xiv

I Bet on the Chorizo. Damn.

2011-07-27T03:44:00.001-04:00

I mean everything I say in this video, and I'm not taking it back. Check that kid's papers.

IMG_2274.MOV Watch on Posterous

Final Standings:

Guido
Frankie Furter
Brett Wurst
Stosh
Cinco, the laziest bastard on the planet who cost me a free beer and needs to go back home and quit taking jobs from hard-working Americans.

Me Ripping Chicago a New One (No Poncho Needed)

2011-07-23T00:37:00.001-04:00

Live from the Wrigley Field left bleachers: Something of Which I'll Always Be Proud

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Adam Wilson Song of the Year no. xxxi

2011-06-04T12:04:00.001-04:00

I recorded this yesterday.

This year is special because you get a vote. Help me pick the Adam Wilson Song of the Year:

"Fare Thee Well, Miss Carousel" - Townes Van Zandt
"I Used To Be a King" - Graham Nash
"You Nearly Did Me In" - Ian Hunter
"So Fine" - Electric Light Orchestra
"Peace Like a River" - Paul Simon

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"Still the Same" - Bob Seger

Ozzie Guillen Got Ejected, and I Didn't Even Notice

2011-04-28T00:49:00.001-04:00

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New York - 3 6 0

Chicago - 1 7 0

_____________

Wilson - 1 0 0

Fries - 0 0 0

fu·til·i·ty: noun \fyü-ˈti-lə-tē\ - A 30-year-old American Helping a 9-year-old French Kid With His Homework

2011-04-14T19:52:00.001-04:00

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Three-Sentence Review of Your Highness

2011-04-10T20:45:00.001-04:00

The fact that James Franco and Natalie Portman said "yes" to this script can mean only that Danny McBride & Co. have some amazing weed. Because I hate reading books and find such an activity to be an offensive waste of time (I love seeing libraries closing), I enjoyed the film more than I enjoyed Jane Eyre. Though I can't for the life of me comprehend how in the name of hell a movie this bad can get financing, I consider its production and release to be undeniable proof that the movie industry is willing to do what it takes to meet my most basic needs. *1/2

Three-Sentence Review of Jane Eyre

2011-04-06T00:40:00.001-04:00

The film began with opening credits, which is a drastic departure from the way Charlotte Brontë began her novel. I struggled to stay awake in the film's molassal middle, which ended when Mr. Rochester uttered the word "taint." There was almost as much underage lesbian sexual tension as there is in an average Rapides Parish Pentecostal church camp. **

Is This Beagle Fat? Be Honest.

2011-03-24T01:19:00.001-04:00

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Why I Never Gamble on March Madness

2011-03-18T18:05:00.001-04:00

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Three-Sentence Review of Rango

2011-03-13T22:58:00.001-04:00

The movie won me over with the Greek chorus' gratuitous use of a sparkly blue near-Strat during the eighth montage. The word "damn" is used so many times that I never again need to see The Secret of N.I.M.H. The film gets ***1/2 because it had more gay innuendo than my WMHS junior year French class.

It's "Adam Is Wearing Women's Deodorant" Season

2011-03-10T18:51:00.001-05:00

Secret. The clicky kind. Used/borrowed. I feel fresher than just-mowed grass.

This is what you get, Mitchùm, for half-assing it for the past six years. I used to be able to skip a day like it says on your label, but now I smell like I've been bathing in fat-guy stink by the time I get to the subway.

Secret should just go ahead and market itself as men's deodorant. It's awesome.

xxxxxiv iii: xiv Things I Like Just as Much at xxx as I Did at xiv

2011-03-10T13:31:00.008-05:00

As you get older, things change, but not everything. The great John Wooden once said, "The true value of a man can be seen not in his ability to adapt, but in his willingness to stay true and consistent to what allows him to live." Coach Wooden died on my 30th birthday, and his words inspired me to see how they apply to my life--to take inventory, so to speak. I've changed a lot over the years, but some things--important things--make me just as happy as they did when I was xiv:

You still can't leave me open.

Queen
Citrus Cooler Gatorade. I can't find this stuff anywhere anymore. It was the fourth flavor of Gatorade, introduced circa mcmlxxxviii, and now the only place I can find it is at the Circle K at State Street and Highland Road in Baton Rouge.
Ren & Stimpy
my ball-handling skills
my hair
clearing a room with a fart, the most undeniable demonstration of pure, indefatigable masculinity
teaching kids dirty jokes that they don't understand yet
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! I can beat Mike in Round 2, by the way.
making up John Wooden quotes for blog posts
when West Monroe beats Ouachita at football
lists
40-minute showers
Pee-wee's Big Adventure
breasts

xxxxxiv ii: Top xiv White Stripes Songs

2011-02-16T02:00:00.002-05:00

The barely-necessary tempo change does the trick for me.

The White Stripes broke up while I was xxx, which is sad since the Stripes are easily one of Jack White's three or four best bands (I'll go out on a limb). Here are their top xiv:

xiv: "Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?"
xiii: "Blue Orchid"
xii: "Seven Nation Army"
xi: "Death Letter"
x: "St. James Infirmary"
ix: "One More Cup of Coffee"
viii: "Apple Blossom"
vii: "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself"
vi: "Little Bird"
v: "Fell in Love With a Girl"
iv: "Little Acorns"
iii: "Offend in Every Way"
ii: "The Big Three Killed My Baby"
i: "Icky Thump"

Can I Convince Him That Ruth Was a Quadroon?

2010-09-12T11:18:00.005-04:00

	Hey GD.
	Hey, Adam. Glad we could get together and watch a sporting event together.
	Definitely. I'm psyched. GEAUX TIGERS!
	Yes sir! GEAUX TIGERS! Hey, Adam, I have a question for you.
	Go ahead, pal. Ask anything.
	You're a smart guy. Best baseball player ever. Dead, retired, or alive. What's your take?
	Babe Ruth.
	Come on. How can he be the best without playing against black players?
	Ok, fine. Hank Aaron.
	His home run total is deceptive. He benefited from a shallow power alley in Milwaukee for 12 years.
	Ok, then. Willie Mays.
	Oh, so now you're just going to go down a list of all the greatest black players just to shut me up?
	Roberto Clemente.
	You're a racist.
	Cecil Fielder.
	Forget it. Go to hell.
	Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Ty Cobb.
	Oooh, nice choice.
	But he never played against black players.
	Yeah, you're right.
	But he did beat a lot of black people up in his lifetime, so one could assume that since he could beat them at fighting, he could beat them at baseball.



	What?
	Bad things will happen to you one day.

xxxxxiv i: Top xiv Songs to Which To Listen Right Before Playing in the Big Game So You Can Be Psyched

2010-05-15T09:23:00.005-04:00

(I'm turning xxx years old in a few weeks, so I'm commemorating it with xxx top xiv lists. Enjoy/bash.)

xiv: Neil Young & Crazy Horse, "Powderfinger"

A great Neil riff powers this back-against-the-wall song about a xxii year-old who has to defend his family's moonshine business from the feds with a single rifle. This one's good if you have to carry a team by yourself, which reminds me--sorry, Cleveland fans. You deserved better.

xiii: Queen, "The March of the Black Queen"

We're already getting awkward. I won't lie--I'm pretty sure that this song is about Freddie Mercury taking it from behind from a black guy in drag. The lyric:
A little nigger sugar, then a rub-a-dub of baby oil, black on, black on, every fingernail and toe, we've only begun.
should disqualify this song from any sort of honor such as this, but when Freddie sings,
I reign with my left hand
I rule with my right
I'm lord of all darkness
I'm queen of the night
I've got the power
Now do the march of the black queen
that's basically Freddie saying, "Ok, no more taking it from behind from black dudes in drag tonight--I've got a Game 7 to win!"

xii: Jim Johnston, "Graveyard Symphony"

A pat on the back goes to you if you saw this and thought, "Oh, that's the Undertaker's ring entrance music!" Yes, it is. And it gets me psyched.

xi: Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

This song isn't really that bad-ass. It's really just sort of comical (not making fun of Alice Cooper--I'm just saying that this song is a bit of an intentional pastiche of bad-assery.). Having said that, the song is bad-ass enough that the producers of Sidekicks probably didn't put this in the movie because it would make them lose their G-rating.

x: Iggy & the Stooges, "Gimme Danger"

The whole Raw Power album sounds like rape. While that is inherently bad, if the qualities in the instrumentation of "Gimme Danger" could be harnessed in an octagon, I'm pretty sure I could give Dan Severn at least two kinds of cauliflower ear and a bloody anus.

ix: John Lennon, "Instant Karma!"

I first heard this song in a Nike commercial. I was so psyched that I almost bought a pair of Nikes.

viii: Larry Fine, "Pop Goes the Weasel"

Of all the things Curly Howard and I have in common, this is arguably one of my ix or x favorites.

vii: Alan Parsons Project, "Sirius"

And now, the starting lineup for your Eastern Conference Champion Chicago Bulls! At forward, from Clemson, 6'10", Horace Grant. A 6'7" forward from Central Arkansas, Scottie Pippen. The man in the middle, from San Francisco, 7'1", Bill Cartwright. A 6'2" guard from Notre Dame, John Paxson.

From North Carolina, at guard, 6'6", Michael...Jordan!

The head coach is Phil Jackson.

(I always hated the Bulls, but this Parsons introductory classic can make a dead man come.)

vi: The White Stripes, "Icky Thump"

Cock rock. Pure, beautiful cock rock.

v: Metallica, "The Four Horsemen

This song works best when someone from a different religion is your opponent. Your warm-ups or robe should be removed right when Cliff climbs the neck at 3:42.

iv: Thin Lizzy, "Emerald"

A great heavy tune about some Irish war. No matter the game or sport, if you blare this while downing a case of Smithwick's, you shall be the victor.

iii: Ансамбль песни и пляски Российской армии, "Гимн Советского Союза"

Я не знаю, в чем смысл этой песни, и я не обязательно поддерживают своих идей. Но факт остается фактом, что это последняя песня Рокки Бальбоа слышал пол Иван Драго в Rocky IV. Таким образом, можно предположить, что если бы я слушаю эту песню, я буду в состоянии победить гигантских блондин, который были введены с галлонов анаболических стероидов.

ii: DVDA, "Now You're a Man"

I've listened to this song so many times that it isn't funny anymore. It just gets me psyched to become the legend I'm destined to become. Titties.

i: The Golden Band From Tigerland, "Pregame/Touchdown"

Letterman Correctly Predicts NCAA Basketball Title Game Three Years in Advance

2010-04-05T14:22:00.006-04:00

A prophecy revealed to me at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

In February mmvii, my friend Jason was visiting New York from Wisconsin, and he got us Letterman tickets. The interns must have found us attractive because they put us in the second row right in front of Dave's desk.

A few minutes before the filming was to take place, Dave greeted the audience and asked if anybody had any questions. My hand shot up....

	You sir, in the yellow shirt. What's your name?
	Adam.
	Hi, Adam. Where are you from?
	Louisiana.
	I see. Were you affected by the storms?
	A bit. I moved here after.
	Well, we're all glad you're ok, and I hope you enjoy living life in New York. What's your question, Adam?
	Who ya got in the Final Four?
	Oooh, Final Four. Ok, this is easy. Let's see...Butler and Duke. That's it. Those two teams, and that's it. Wait, that's not right. Adam, who's your favorite team?
	LSU.
	Then that's it. LSU and Duke. That's your Final Four.

How To Make Hate Crime Legislation Work for You

2009-10-12T12:53:00.003-04:00

Congress is passing--or has passed, I'm not sure--the Matthew Shepard Act. I know many who oppose this legislation, and for good reasons, but let's make lemonade here. I know a fool-proof way for you to make bullshit hate-crime legislation work in your favor. Just follow these simple steps:

You know that dude that you hate the most? We'll call him Chad. Go find him and pick a fight with him.
Take the fall. Let Chad beat the crap out of you.
During your ass-whoopin', say stuff like "I only want to love you, Chad!" and "I thought our special night together when we had a lot of gay sex meant something, Chad!"
When the ambulance and police show up to make sense of the situation, tell everyone that you're really, really gay and that the only reason Chad beat you up was because of his hatred for gays (chances are that Chad is pretty homophobic anyway as a direct result of the one gay experience he was forced to have so that he would be accepted into Sigma Chi).
Celebrate Chad's 10-year prison sentence by plowing his girlfriend and sister.

A Zinger at the Expense of Yellowhammers Everywhere

2009-08-01T09:48:00.004-04:00

	Hey Adam. Good to see you again.
	Good to see you too, Kimmy. I'm glad we came to this LSU alumni function. What a great way for us to keep in touch away from home in the big city.
	I agree with you, Adam. What a brilliant thing for you to have said just now.
	So who's your friend here?

	This is Paul. He's my new boyfriend. He's from Alabama. Got any dating tips? (chuckle)
	Pretend you're his sister. It spices things up in the bedroom when there's a Gump involved.
	Very funny, Adam, but Paul didn't go to Bama. He went to Auburn.
	Auburn, huh? Then you'd better pretend you're his brother.

Thanks, Bloomberg. The Island Is Sinking

2009-07-21T16:33:00.007-04:00

People come to New York literally to watch a McDonald's exist.

Whenever a city/area shuts down streets permanently in order to make itself more "pedestrian," I'm almost always in favor because I'm not morbidly obese and irrationally averse to walking 300 extra yards to Tiger Stadium. Having more pedestrian-friendly places creates an inevitable increase in inadvertent/advertent excercise, overall better health for all of us, and, most importantly, a generally better quality of life for me.

Not so with Times Square.

I already don't like Times Square because not only is that where you find the fattest asses in New York (including an inordinate amount of them from Tennessee for some reason) looking up and saying stuff like "Oh my gawd, that is greaaaaaaat! They got a Hard Rawk Caffay here, too, Skyler!" (Now I'm not talking about "freshman fifteen" fat--those chicks are hot--I'm talking about "can't fit into the Sephia anymore" fat.) And now, they've shut down the stretch of Broadway from 48th to 40th, painted the street green for some reason, and plopped a slew of lawn chairs from Walgreens for some other equally inexplicably stupid reason. The results couldn't be more disgusting.

Imagine Burning Man, except instead of scrawny hippie dudes gangbanging ugly chicks by campfire, it's a bunch of fat people squirting suntan lotion on themselves and watching Fox News on a 2000" JumboTron while a convicted felon of indeterminate ethnic origin is forced to use two easels to draw their caricatures for $40. Ironically, by taking the automobile traffic out of Times Square, and replacing the cars with people the size of cars, there is less pedestrian space available.

In Honor of My Still Being on My Floyd Fix, Here Are My Current Top xiv Pink Floyd Songs

2009-07-20T03:21:00.006-04:00

Close-up of me ca. mmviii

"Dogs"
"Astronomy Domine"
"The Narrow Way"
"Time"
"Wish You Were Here"
"Learning To Fly"
"Free Four"
"Poles Apart"
"Childhood's End"
"Jugband Blues"
"In the Flesh?"
"Fearless"
"See Emily Play"
"Breathe"

Can I Sleep in Your Bed?

2009-07-05T17:55:00.005-04:00

I had a dream last night that I turned on the tv and saw a guy who looked just like me, had even more muscles than I have, had more hair than I have, and was a successful and respected tv actor who had just signed a multi-million dollar contract with a network contained in the dream's universe. It turned out that the guy was my identical twin, from whom I had been separated at birth because my parents couldn't afford to raise two kids.



Me	The guy in my nightmare

The Song of the Year

2009-07-01T03:49:00.004-04:00

Of all the photos of me at the age of xxix, this is the first one that does not contain full frontal nudity.

I've done a lot of thinking. The soundtrack of my life should be compiled so that when I die, it can be played at my funeral. If I am to die of natural causes, the compilation can be played on shuffle; if I die an untimely death, it must be played straight through in a dark room with xiv candles burning. Also, I must be worshiped in a way that will anger God (I will convince God to forgive you all--don't worry).

To compile my life's soundtrack, I'm simply coming up with a "song of the year" for each year I have lived. In a hypothetical Adamian calendar beginning June 4, my birthday, and ending the following June 3, there are now xxix songs.

Now, the "song of the year" doesn't necessarily mean my favorite song from a given year. It simply is the song that defined my year the most at the time; some of the songs of the year are songs that I now hate (read below and guess which ones).

Let's go through the years leading up to this one, and then I'll present to you this year's nominees (please keep in mind that it wasn't until 1992 that my taste in music became worth a damn):

Adamian year	Song	Artist
1980-1981	"Amazing Grace"*	John Newton
1981-1982	"You Are My Sunshine"*	Jimmie Davis
1982-1983	"Total Eclipse of the Heart"	Bonnie Tyler
1983-1984	"Eat It"	"Weird Al" Yankovic
1984-1985	"We're Not Gonna Take It"	Twisted Sister
1985-1986	"Amarillo by Morning"	George Strait
1986-1987	"My Toot Toot"	Rockin' Sidney
1987-1988	"You Give Love a Bad Name"	Bon Jovi
1988-1989	"Take Me Home, Country Roads"	John Denver
1989-1990	"18 & Life"	Skid Row
1990-1991	"Blaze of Glory"	Jon Bon Jovi
1991-1992	"Bohemian Rhapsody"	Queen
1992-1993	"Brighton Rock"	Queen
1993-1994	"Time Is on My Side"	The Rolling Stones
1994-1995	"Sway"	The Rolling Stones
1995-1996	"Here Comes the Sun"	The Beatles
1996-1997	"Don't Stop Me Now"	Queen
1997-1998	"Love, Reign O'er Me"	The Who
1998-1999	"Down by the Seaside"	Led Zeppelin
1999-2000	"Powderfinger"	Neil Young
2000-2001	"Ambulance Blues"	Neil Young
2001-2002	"Rocks Off"	The Rolling Stones
2002-2003	"Offend in Every Way"	The White Stripes
2003-2004	"Mean Old Line"	Jimbo Mathus
2004-2005	"Expecting To Fly"	Buffalo Springfield
2005-2006	"Desolation Row"	Bob Dylan
2006-2007	"All or Nothing"	Small Faces
2007-2008	"Icky Thump"	The White Stripes

Yes, it's been a great life, and nowhere near as great a soundtrack. So far, disc one sucks, and disc two rules. If I live long enough for a box set, I'm sure things will improve unless I go on a 12-year Barbara Mandrell kick.

So...it's mmix now, and it is time to determine the Song of the Year for the Adamian Year 2008-2009. Here are the nominees:


"Hello Hooray" by Alice Cooper	"Butcher" by Leonard Cohen	"Let Me Roll It" by Paul McCartney & Wings	"Consoler of the Lonely" by The Raconteurs	"Salute Your Solution" by The Raconteurs

And the winner is...

"Let Me Roll It" by Paul McCartney & Wings!

Cinco de Mayo Dinner

2009-05-07T14:06:00.002-04:00

I'd Hit It

2009-04-07T20:19:00.000-04:00

Paul McCartney & Friends: Change Begins Within (a Benefit Concert for the David Lynch Foundation)

2009-04-06T12:16:00.007-04:00

My pal Stephen visited New York from Austin this weekend, and we wanted to do three things:

See the Cubs and Yankees break in the new Yankee Stadium.
See the Raptors play the Knicks at Madison Square Garden.
See the David Lynch Foundation benefit concert at Radio City Music Hall, featuring Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Donovan, Sheryl Crow, Eddie Vedder, Moby, Ben Harper, Paul Horn, Jim James, Bettye LaVette, and Angelo Badalementi.

Who'd'a thunk that #2 would be the one we wouldn't get to see?

Here's the play-by-play review of what is arguably one of the four or five best shows I've seen this April*:

Angelo Badalementi - "Falling (Twin Peaks Theme)" Badalementi plays the music in most of Lynch's films, so it was nice to see him open with this piece.
Moby with Bettye LaVette and The T.M. Choir - "Natural Blues" I'm not sure how exactly Moby got a record deal. His live performance leaves quite a bit to be desired. LaVette's vocals on this song were good.
Moby with The T.M. Choir - "Stars" An unnecessary performance of an unnecessary song written by an unnessary musician. yawn.
Bettye LaVette with Moby - "Close as I'll Get to Heaven" Great performance by LaVette, and good job by Moby not getting in the way too much.
Sheryl Crow - "Riverwide" Haven't heard this song in about ten years when I bought The Globe Sessions, and I forgot how much I liked it. Crow's voice live is strikingly good.
Sheryl Crow with Ben Harper - "My Sweet Lord" Great selection. Crow introduced the song with the first of what would become many comments that George "may not be here with us physically, but he's here in spirit." Great work on the lapsteel by Harper.
Jerry Seinfeld. A surprise guest! Did a solid eight minutes. Mostly new stuff, filled in by the bit about a cab driver having the chemical symbol for boron in his last name (I hate that joke--the chemical symbol for boron is B, not Ø!).
Eddie Vedder - "Far Behind" Poignant song with Vedder alone on an acoustic. Vedder's set absolutely blew me away. I had no idea he was this good musically.
Eddie Vedder - "Rise" Vedder on a mandolin. Beautiful song.
Eddie Vedder - "Arc" Vedder loops his own vocals in this a capella piece not unlike Freddie Mercury in the middle of "The Prophet's Song." I had no idea Vedder could perform such dextrous vocal acrobatics.
Ben Harper & Relentless7 with Eddie Vedder - "Indifference" Harper is as good as advertised. That is to say that he delivers great performances of music that I don't like.
Ben Harper & Relentless7 - "Fly One Time" See above.
Ben Harper & Relentless7 with Eddie Vedder - "Under Pressure" This one got a very wealthy crowd on its feet. I seriously hope this one's included on the DVD. It was amazing. Harper took Mercury's part, and Vedder, Bowie's.
intermission
Mike Love is reduced to tears in his own speech about the possibility of transcendental meditation leading to world peace. I was distracted by the fact that this sonofabitch will wear--with a designer tuxedo--a baseball cap that says "The Beach Boys" on it as if we don't know he's bald.
Donovan with Jim James - "Hurdy Gurdy Man" Great to see Donovan! Love this song!
Donovan with Jim James - "Wear Your Love Like Heaven" Another piece of healthy ear candy from Donovan, and I still have it in my head.
Donovan with Sheryl Crow and Moby - "Season of the Witch" An average-at-best song made awful by Donovan's attempt at dancing with Sheryl Crow.
Donovan with Paul Horn - "Isle of Islay" Great duet with jazz flautist Horn.
Paul Horn - "Meditation" Beautiful flute piece that mixes both eastern music with the blue notes of American jazz.
Howard Stern. Another surprise guest! Stern delivered a jab or two at himself before saying "Mike Love greeted me backstage by saying, 'Howard, you are living proof that you don't have to be a pussy to be into transcendental meditation.'" He followed with a sincere anecdote about how meeting Maharishi Mahesh Yogi saved his mother's life. It will go down as one of the great discomforts of my life: to see Howard Stern not be a dick.
Ringo Starr with Ben Harper & Relentless7 and Eddie Vedder - "It Don't Come Easy" At 9:52 Eastern Daylight Time in New York, I first laid eyes on a Beatle, the first Beatle ever born. And he was out of tune and nervous, as usual. A real treat.
Ringo Starr with Ben Harper & Relentless7 and Eddie Vedder - "Boys" Not sure why he felt the need to play the worst and gayest of all Beatle covers.
Ringo Starr with Ben Harper & Relentless7, Sheryl Crow, and Eddie Vedder - "Yellow Submarine" Would have preferred "Octopus' Garden," but this'll do. Gear!

Paul McCartney I had no idea how truly good this guy is live, and at the age of lxvi.
"Drive My Car" My favorite of Paul's Beatle tunes.
"Jet" Great song played live.
"Got To Get You Into My Life" My least favorite Beatle plays my least favorite Beatles song. Damn you, James Paul McCartney.
"Let It Be" Decent.
"Lady Madonna" M'eh.
"Blackbird" Paul plays this one alone on an acoustic. It was nice.
"Here Today" This is a song Paul wrote to John shortly after John's death. Not many dry eyes in the house.
"Band on the Run" My favorite Paul solo song.
"Can't Buy Me Love" Overrated. I hate this song.
Paul McCartney with Ringo Starr - "With a Little Help From My Friends" How many times have more than one Beatle played together onstage since the rooftop? Wow!
encore
Paul McCartney with Ringo Starr and all performers - "Cosmically Conscious" A song that Paul wrote in 1968 in Hrishikesh, the most enlightening and spiritual time for the Beatles, yet you'd be surprised at how shitty and typical of Paul it is.
David Lynch with Donovan and Ringo Starr - "A Poem of Unknown Origin" Ok.
Paul McCartney with Ringo Starr and all performers - "I Saw Her Standing There" There are two people who have ever lived who can harmonize this song correctly. One is John Lennon; the other is me.

Oh, and here's the Knicks/Raptors box score in case you need that.

* This is a joke. It's the best show I've ever seen.

I Almost Botched My Salvation Like a Papa Shango Sneak Attack

2009-03-24T17:02:00.005-04:00

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xiii years ago today, I was baptised. I always remember this day because it was on the fourth anniversary of Wrestlemania VIII. I always remember that day because six days later on Saturday Night Live, Kevin Nealon delivered a story on Weekend Update, saying, "Wrestlemania VIII was held in the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis this past Sunday, and experts are still trying to figure out why."

It was a Wednesday night when I was baptised by Eugene Brown at Rocky Branch Assembly of God, located on the outskirts of Farmerville, Louisiana. To give you an idea of how small a town Rocky Branch is, it's located on the outskirts of a town called Farmerville.

It was minutes before the service was to begin, and somebody noted that I hadn't thought to bring a change of clothes. I said, "No problem--I think I'll just do it in my underwear." Horrified by the thought of so much of my surface area in plain sight (and perhaps more horrified that I would have such a stupid idea), panic ensued, and a search party was organized to find me some baptisewear. At the last minute, I was given some clothes much too big for me, and it was my turn.

After Brother Brown asked me the standard questions about my plans to serve Jesus, he asked me if I had any words for the congregation. I said, "The water here is freezing, and I can't think of a better night to get baptised than tonight...the fourth anniversary of Wrestlemania VIII."

How To Tell If You Are an Idiot With Your Bracket Picks

2009-03-23T15:40:00.003-04:00

Follow these simple steps:

Fill out a make-believe bracket with the high seed winning each game.
Fill out your own picks in another, non-make-believe bracket. This is the one on which you're betting money.
Watch the games.
Tally the scores of both brackets.
If your real bracket scores lower than your make-believe bracket, you're an idiot.

Ok, now let's see if I'm an idiot.

Make-believe bracket: 36 correct (50 points in the weighted round system).
Non-make-believe bracket: 37 correct (51 points in the weighted round system).

Way to be dumber than me, idiots (except for Bonnie McNemar Budyach, Gustavo "Goose" Douaihi, and Jeremy White, all of whom scored higher than me).

Midnight Snack

2009-03-19T02:36:00.000-04:00

1. Easy Mac.
2. Some extra sharp Cheddar.
3. Some Swiss.
4. 6 jalapeño slices.
5. 1 teaspoon Louisiana hot sauce.
6. 1 teaspoon Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce.
7. A dash of Bac-O's.
8. A dash of Tony Chachere's Original Cajun Seasoning.
9. 1 roll industrial toilet paper for the near-instant diarrhea you'll have.
___
xiv

Lunch Today

2009-03-11T12:48:00.000-04:00

Easy-Mac.
One slice of Swiss cheese.
One slice of extra sharp cheddar cheese.
8 drops of Louisiana hot sauce.
14 shakes of Tony Chachere's Original Cajun Seasoning.
4 jalapeño slices.

___
xiv

2009-03-02T20:24:00.001-05:00

So I get on the subway this morning, and it's literally duct-taped together. I'm not sure how alarmed I should be--after all, I've always viewed a bad economy as a "Big Bad Wolf": if you build a house out of bricks, you'll be fine in the end. But I'm not sure how a Three Little Pig would do in a house made of duct tape. I guess we'll find out. I smell another crack epidemic. I'm gonna move to 125th Street and set up shop really soon.
___
xiv

Quick Note to Sean Penn

2009-02-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

Obama opposes gay marriage.
___
xiv

I Am the Worst Neighbor Who Ever Lived.

2009-02-15T16:47:00.007-05:00

(If you are a woman who would even remotely consider sleeping with me ever, do not read the following. It is disgusting, and it would reduce the chances of me ever scoring with you. I mean it. Do not read the following.)

Yesterday, I had a bowel movement. It was enormous--possibly the biggest in my life. I flushed not once, not twice, but thrice during it, and I had to flush two times after I was done just to make sure it was gone.

This morning as I left my house to go to the store for sunflower seeds (I'm addicted like you wouldn't believe), I saw my downstairs neighbor and landlady sweeping out of her home what appeared to be human waste. I don't know how I could tell that it was mine, but I just knew, kind of like how a penguin can remember which is his mate after months of absence even when penguins are virtually identical.

"What do you eat?" asked my landlady. I didn't answer her question directly, but I apologized and told her that I found this ironic since I practice vegetarianism--imagine if I were a carnivore!

The official story is that I shat an anvil that was so big that it burst the pipes downstairs. I haven't felt this proud since I beat Tyson in two rounds.

L Racisto o L Homosexualo?

2009-02-12T17:52:00.000-05:00

I'm standing over a twentysomething black guy on the L in Brooklyn, and I want to indicate to him that his fly is unzipped, but I'm seriously afraid that this has become, unbeknownst to me and other colorlesses, a new urban fad and that my indication of such trousal openness will be viewed as archaic and racist. So now I have to stare at every black male crotch I see. You know, for research.
___
xiv

Oh, and Regarding the Hair

2009-02-11T12:29:00.000-05:00

If someone could find me a nice white woman to cut my hair for once, that would be great. The reason is that men, regardless of race, smell bad when they cut hair. As for women of color...I'm no racist (stop laughing); to put it bluntly, y'all cut y'all hair good, but that's all. I'll let a daughter bring one home, no problem, but my hair is where I draw the line.
___
xiv

Mighty Indeed

2009-02-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

I took my first long walk of mmix last night. Props to God for getting around to making it warm enough for me to go outside for more than half a second without feeling suicidal.
___
xiv

No.

2009-02-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

___
xiv

Scrabble

2009-02-02T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm playing online Scrabble on my day off, and I'm immature, so I'm amused right now.
___
xiv

Your Awesome...Face

2009-01-25T01:24:00.000-05:00

I just brought an entire party to its collective knees by saying to a woman, "I'm pointing this beer bottle at your awesome, cumless face."
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

No. Stop. I Hate This. A Lot.

2009-01-25T00:33:00.000-05:00

I'm at a party right now and I just had an awful conversation with this dude. Here's how it went down:

Me: Hi. I'm Adam.
Him: Hi. I love Dream Theater. They're the greatest band ever. Dream Theater is to metal what Bach and Mozart were to classical music. That's because they reinvented their genre.

Say your last goodbyes to me soon because I am going to murder this dude and see that his ashes are spread over the grave of Bob Denver, which is an offense punishable by death.
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...as a Three-Dollar Bill

2009-01-19T01:03:00.000-05:00

I was told last night that I am gay because my favorite movie of all time is Gone With the Wind.

To the man who dubbed me so, I asked what his favorite movie of all time is.

He replied, "Notting Hill."
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Z

2009-01-08T19:57:00.002-05:00

My roommate Dosia is on the phone right now with Delta confirming her plane ticket to Budapest next month, and she had to read her confirmation number to the representative over the phone, and it went a little something like this:

"A...seven...four...Z...oh, Z as in xylophone."

She had the nerve to make me feel like a dick for laughing out loud. Not fair.

My Favorite Bathroom Grafitti Ever

2008-12-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

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"Adam Got Hisself a College DEE-ploma"

2008-12-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

I often wonder what my life would be like had I been raised to say words like "his'n" and "your'n." It likely would result in a language barrier between me and anyone not from the Deep South, which means it is unlikely that I would graduate from high school, much less college (the only man who ever spoke like this who earned a degree was Bum Phillips).

To my credit, I was raised with words like "hisself" and "theirself" in my vocabulary (not to mention the most offensive racial epithets), yet somehow I scored higher in English than did the average Ivy League graduate.

All in all, though, I'd rather say words like "his'n" and "your'n" than words like "non-dairy creamer" and "magna cum laude."
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Separated From Irony by the Bering Strait

2008-12-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

I'm on the N train, and I see an old Chinese lady wearing a Washington Redskins cap.
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Words (Between the Lines of Age)

2008-12-01T09:39:00.000-05:00

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Bruce Willis, she desperately wants to make love to you.

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Sean Connery, she desperately wants to make love to you in an attempt to overcome her father issues.

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Jeff van Gundy, don't expect ever to get laid again.
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American Cuisine

2008-11-26T02:38:00.000-05:00

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Sign # MMMDCXXIV That I Am a Disgusting Twentysomething Bachelor

2008-11-20T15:15:00.001-05:00

I just blew my nose on a dirty pair of underwear, and I'm not 100% certain that they're mine.

We Are Doomed

2008-11-08T15:23:00.001-05:00

The LSU/Alabama game is underway. Nothing could possibly go wrong for the Crimson Tide. Not even God could make them lose.

I'm Sorry, America

2008-11-07T18:47:00.000-05:00

Breakfast

2008-11-04T07:17:00.001-05:00

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Make Sure and Take Small Bites

2008-11-01T18:31:00.000-04:00

Try not to choke on your food at Sunset Park Diner & Donuts; we won't know how to help you.
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My Hornets Gear, mmviii-mmix Season

2008-10-30T21:14:00.003-04:00

The Shirt
The Hat
The Sunday/Day Game Hat
The Warm Weather Headband (to be worn when the weather is warm enough that I neednt fear catching pneumonia due to a cold, uncovered, bald head)

I Just Went #2...

2008-10-30T17:52:00.000-04:00

...and didn't need toilet paper! It happened in this toilet (photo taken after successful flush).

God bless the Chinamen for their efficient cuisine!
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That Buzzing Sound You Hear Is One of Excellence and Unstoppability

2008-10-30T12:41:00.003-04:00


cviii	ciii

The Hornets are 1-0 after last night's win in Oakland. This 1-0 start is tied for the best start in NBA history.

Tonight's game in Phoenix is on TNT.

MCCCXXXI

2008-10-18T22:34:00.000-04:00

I'm at my class reunion (West Monroe 1998) , and I just won the award for travelling the furthest distance to get here.

The guy who came in second lives in Rayville.
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A Stop to the Rumours

2008-10-18T01:03:00.000-04:00

I did not have sex with my cousin last night. I promise.
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All Class, All the Way

2008-10-13T20:05:00.000-04:00

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Mexicans in a Box

2008-10-13T10:38:00.000-04:00

This is an inside joke. Tell me if you're one of the few who get it.
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Actual Item at the NBA Store in New York

2008-10-09T13:04:00.000-04:00

They're actually selling well, too.
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I Hope He's Not Saving It for Marriage

2008-10-09T10:51:00.000-04:00

Apparently our Savior has a girlfriend and had to let us know by vandalizing a seat on the D train. Shame on you, Mr. of Nazareth.
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Emmett (or Snowden) Is Confused in His (or His) Grave

2008-10-08T19:10:00.002-04:00

I just installed my new doorbell. It plays Dixie.

These Clouds Look Cool

2008-10-08T10:32:00.000-04:00

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xxxiv days

2008-10-08T10:03:00.001-04:00

I just noticed I've been sick for xxxiv straight days. Oh well; at least I'll look thin for my class reunion.

SEC 2008 Football Predictions

2008-08-28T08:41:00.003-04:00

Southeastern Conference 2008 Football Standings
East			West
	W	L		W	L
Florida	8	0	Auburn	6	2
Georgia	7	1	Louisiana State	5	3
South Carolina	4	4	Alabama	4	4
Tennessee	4	4	Mississippi State	4	4
Kentucky	2	6	Mississippi	3	5
Vanderbilt	0	8	Arkansas	1	7
Champion: Florida

It Was X Years Ago Today

2008-08-20T01:12:00.001-04:00

I started college at LSU x years ago today.

2008-07-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

Ok nevermind. No more fish. It's tearing me up really bad.

2008-06-30T18:39:00.001-04:00

I'm eating seafood again.

George Carlin

2008-06-26T03:11:00.001-04:00

I can't tell you how proud I am that I have not published a massive douche tribute to George Carlin in the form of a blog post.

Enjoy Steely Dan!

2008-06-12T21:54:00.001-04:00

'Vignette' is a word that I hate. No idea why.

...two for the show...

2008-06-11T15:50:00.001-04:00

Thanks to adidas for making actual blue suede shoes.

'Agriculture'

2008-06-10T14:22:00.001-04:00

I wonder if these people at the Atlantic Mall Old Navy realize that I'm walking around so much because I'm cropdusting?

Chero-tan MMVIII

2008-06-09T17:36:00.001-04:00

96f in Bryant Park, and the shirt is OFF, ladies!

2008-06-07T03:53:00.001-04:00

Just saw the Squirrel Nut Zippers in Chelsea. Great show of course. And Katharine remembered me even though I'm dead!

2008-06-05T23:34:00.000-04:00

There's a homeless guy masturbating on the corner of w 14 st at 8 av, and none of us seem to be able to look away.

The Greatest Birthday Present Ever

2008-06-05T00:15:00.001-04:00

2008-06-04T11:57:00.001-04:00

Adam Wilson here, blogging from the other side. I died last night at age xxvii. Record sales will soar.

2008-06-03T23:38:00.002-04:00

Whoever is near, come to the kabin. 92 2 av.

America Used To Run on Jazz

2008-06-02T16:28:00.003-04:00

I live in Harlem. There is an old jazz club at W. 145th Street at St. Nicholas Avenue that closed down not too long ago. Last week, it re-opened as a Dunkin' Donuts. I'm calling my landlord to ask for my deposit back, but I doubt I'll get it because he's a fat guy.

xxvii Is Almost Over

2008-05-28T00:46:00.003-04:00

My twenty-eighth year is vii days away from being over. I'm at an office at MLB.com, my new employer, right now. I grade umpires on pitch calls. This is, by definition, the best kind of joe job there is. I can go out and do gigs and then put in iii or iv hours of half-ass work and call it a day. I get to dress like garbage and rock via iPod throughout the gig (tonight's selection is Buffalo Springfield's box set--a collection of mature jangle-pop, simply put).

As my twenty-eighth year--the year when I'm xxvii, not xxviii (people always get this wrong. When you're zero, it's your first year. When you're one, it's your second year. When you're 50, it's your 51st, and not your 50th, year)--draws to a close, I am reminded that this means that I have only one week to live since I'm a rockstar, and rockstars die at xxvii.

What will I be doing for my final week? Simple: scare up all the tail I can find, and reconcile with Christ.

We'll have the e-funeral soon, and you'll have your opportunity to pay your last respects.

Sweet Baby Ray's!

2008-05-28T00:21:00.001-04:00

I finally found some in New York!

Hamilton Grange Moving

2008-05-27T17:55:00.001-04:00

Ellipsis

2008-05-27T16:38:00.001-04:00

I've been sitting in front of my computer for over a month now, and I can't think of anything to write.

I'll Give You a Hint--Not Me

2008-04-24T10:02:00.002-04:00

In 2006, I moved to New York, expecting to stay for five years. Yesterday, a friend of mine from Louisiana--a female--came to New York expecting to stay for four days. Guess which one of us brought more shit?

I Ended Up Not Masturbating to It

2008-04-15T23:39:00.003-04:00

Last night I was watching SportsCenter in my living room, and I was about to head to bed. But before I left, I set my tv recorder to record two softcore porns. You know, so I could masturbate to them. I had the next two days off, and I wanted to use them wisely.

Well, in the middle of the day today, I was still in the bed, playing my ukulele in my underwear, and I ended up having plans for the evening. I showered, ate, and left, and I just got back home.

I'm in my room right now, writing this very blog entry. The Beast is asleep in its room, and the Bulldog is watching an episode of one of its favorite recorded tv series right now.

I suspect that the Bulldog has seen that there are two adult films in the DVR cue, and I also suspect that it expects that I have masturbated on the couch.

Well, Bulldog, I am not embarrassed, and no, I did not masturbate on your couch.

Mondegreen

2008-04-06T02:51:00.004-04:00

I was listening to "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, and I took particular note of the mondegreen in the second verse:

Cleaned a lot of plates in memphis,
Pumped a lot of pain down in new orleans,
But I never saw the good side of the city,
til I hitched a ride on a river boat queen.

Some think that "pain" is actually "'pane," as in "propane." John Fogerty himself has never told us whether it's "pain" or "'pane."

Anywho, I looked up "mondegreen" on Wikipedia, and I read:

The word "mondegreen" is itself a mondegreen.

I instantly started laughing out loud, and the laughter elevated and then diverted into intense crying because I found it incredibly sad and depressing that I would laugh so much at such a simple self-referential statement.

I've done it. I've gone insane.

(And now Tommy's "Underture" is playing. This won't help.)

Rutlemania!

2008-03-29T19:28:00.001-04:00

Come On--Washington State in the East?

2008-03-17T01:37:00.004-04:00

The mmviii NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Tournament is set to begin this week, and here's the bracket:

Midwest

Detroit

Final Four,
San Antonio

Charlotte

East

Omaha

1 Kansas

1 North Carolina

Raleigh

16 Portland State

16 Mount Saint Mary's

Dayton

17 Coppin State

8 Nevada-Las Vegas

8 Indiana

9 Kent State

9 Arkansas

Tampa

5 Clemson

5 Notre Dame

Denver

12 Villanova

12 George Mason

4 Vanderbilt

4 Washington State

13 Siena

13 Winthrop

Omaha

6 Southern California

6 Oklahoma

Birmingham

11 Kansas State

11 Saint Joseph's

3 Wisconsin

3 Louisville

14 California State-Fullerton

National Champion

14 Boise State

Raleigh

7 Gonzaga

7 Butler

Birmingham

10 Davidson

10 South Alabama

2 Georgetown

2 Tennessee

15 Maryland-Baltimore County

15 American

Anaheim

1 UCLA

1 Memphis

Little Rock

16 Mississippi Valley State

16 Texas-Arlington

8 Brigham Young

8 Mississippi State

9 Texas A&M

9 Oregon

Tampa

5 Drake

5 Michigan State

Denver

12 Western Kentucky

12 Temple

4 Connecticut

4 Pittsburgh

13 San Diego

13 Oral Roberts

Washington

6 Purdue

6 Marquette

Anaheim

11 Baylor

11 Kentucky

3 Xavier

3 Stanford

14 Georgia

14 Cornell

Washington

7 West Virginia

7 Miami

Little Rock

10 Arizona

10 Saint Mary's

2 Duke

2 Texas

15 Belmont

15 Austin Peay

West

Phoenix

Final Four

Houston

South

Notice that xxxii of the lxv teams are italicized. This is because they each are placed in a region that makes no nominal sense (Duke in the West?). I don't see much, if any, advantage in arbitrarily sending East coast teams West, and vice versa.

So, I've rearranged the bracket. Each team keeps its given seed number and its same placement in its respective bracket; I geographically rearranged the teams, seed by seed, to make the regionals more regional:

Midwest

Detroit

Final Four,
San Antonio

Charlotte

East

Omaha

1 Kansas

1 North Carolina

Raleigh

16 Texas-Arlington

16 Mount Saint Mary's

Dayton

17 Coppin State

8 Brigham Young

8 Indiana

9 Arkansas

9 Kent State

Omaha

5 Michigan State

5 Notre Dame

Washington

12 Villanova

12 Temple

4 Pittsburgh

4 Connecticut

13 Oral Roberts

13 Siena

Little Rock

6 Marquette

6 Purdue

Raleigh

11 Kansas State

11 Saint Joseph's

3 Wisconsin

3 Xavier

14 Boise State

National Champion

14 Cornell

Little Rock

7 Butler

7 West Virginia

Washington

10 Arizona

10 Davidson

2 Tennessee

2 Georgetown

15 Belmont

15 Maryland-Baltimore County

Anaheim

1 UCLA

1 Memphis

Birmingham

16 Portland State

16 Mississippi Valley State

8 Nevada-Las Vegas

8 Mississippi State

9 Oregon

9 Texas A&M

Denver

5 Drake

5 Clemson

Tampa

12 Western Kentucky

12 George Mason

4 Washington State

4 Vanderbilt

13 San Diego

13 Winthrop

Anaheim

6 Southern California

6 Oklahoma

Birmingham

11 Baylor

11 Kentucky

3 Stanford

3 Louisville

14 California State-Fullerton

14 Georgia

Denver

7 Gonzaga

7 Miami

Tampa

10 Saint Mary's

10 South Alabama

2 Texas

2 Duke

15 Austin Peay

15 American

West

Phoenix

Final Four

Houston

South

2008-03-16T02:36:00.001-04:00

I just fixed my uke!

And I Would Be Remiss If I Didn't Mention Phil Rizzuto Since He Died Recently

2008-03-07T23:46:00.000-05:00

...and now you don't.

One of the great things about New York is its many unique neighborhoods and communities. I hope one day to know the entire (safe part of the) City like the back of my hand.

Today business took me to Ridgewood, a historically German community in Queens, a neighborhood that borders Maspeth, Middle Village, Glendale, and Bushwick in Brooklyn.

Hardly any of the buildings are more than three stories high, and there are single-family row houses everywhere with much charm.

My favorite piece of trivia is that famed magician Harry Houdini lived in Ridgewood, and he is buried in nearby Machpelah Cemetery....

...or is he?

There Is a House, How Sweet the Sound

2008-03-06T23:24:00.000-05:00

The Animals, gospel sensations.

If you want to touch the outer aura of soul-sucking depression in a way to balance your emotions because you've been too hopped-up on energy drinks and you don't want to crash too hard, turn the lights out, get out your guitar, drink a glass of warm milk (or if you're lactose-intolerant, another energy drink), and play "House of the Rising Sun," but sing the lyrics to "Amazing Grace."

It is both uplifting and devastating, and rumor has it that it really freaks Jesus out. In a good way, though.

A Dialogue That Has Happened One Million Times

2008-03-05T22:13:00.001-05:00

	Great seats, Adam. Good job getting tickets for the Hornets/Knicks game.
	No problem, GD. Geaux Hornets!
	And now, please welcome, the Knick City Dancers!
	More like Thick City Dancers.
	Very funny! Bravo!
	No need to worry about Isiah Thomas sexually harassing their fat asses!

Consecutive Odd Numbers!!!

2008-03-04T21:30:00.001-05:00

I'm the this guy of math.

The velvet

I had a dream about math, and I discovered a math thing.

If
a is an integer
a + 1 = b
Then
b² - a² = a + b

Integer

Square

100

Difference

I'm sure that I'm not the first person to think of this, but I'm proud of having dreamed it up, and I put it on the same level as Duane Allman's dreaming that Jimi Hendrix played "Little Martha" for him.

Things I've Still Never Seen

2008-03-03T20:30:00.000-05:00

Could probably skateboard for five seconds without flaw.

A skateboarder go v seconds without screwing up.
A cat that doesn't come across as an asshole.
Two foxes at the same time.
A woodchuck with a fox.
A dead fox.
A baby fox.
A portrayal of a police lineup in the first xxx minutes of an episode of Law & Order that results in a positive identification of a suspect.

Crickets

2008-03-02T22:45:00.001-05:00

I think the days of political figures' appearances on Saturday Night Live that are at all funny are over.

Rock 'n' Roll Thrived Until Humans Invaded Its Natural Habitat

2008-03-01T23:11:00.000-05:00

More alive than Rock 'n' Roll

The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame inducts five artists per year. This year's inductees are:

The Dave Clark Five
Leonard Cohen
Madonna
John Mellencamp
The Ventures

Madonna and Mellencamp open the door for some really bad inductees. I'm starting to think that Bon Jovi and Britney have a shot.

It's deader than the dodo.

Semi-Pro

2008-02-29T23:36:00.002-05:00

Semi-Pro is amazing because it follows a formula for 100% movie success:

Bad writing
Bad acting
Bad jokes
Tim Meadows

If you can combine those four things, you have made my kind of movie.

Red Stick Ramblers in NoHo

2008-02-28T20:15:00.000-05:00

I saw the Red Stick Ramblers last night at Joe's Pub in NoHo. This was my fourth time seeing them (third time in New York), and it was their best show so far. It's nice to see a band and their new material actually be among their best (because nobody wants to see Aerosmith follow "Dream On" with "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing).

Made in the Shade is their best album, if you ask me. "Les Oiseaux Vont Chanter" is instantly one of my top v Rambler faves.

Woe Is Me, I Can See, Hicksville Stole My Damn ID

2008-02-27T15:07:00.006-05:00

A legend dies.

So I'm in Hicksville, New York, this morning, waiting at the town's Long Island Railroad station for my friend to come pick me up and take me to where I'm supposedly working today, and while I wait, I stop inside the Kinko's next to the station, find somebody's discarded ExpressPay card and begin making enlarged copies of my legendary driver's licence (pictured left). As I'd finished spening the remaining xxvi¢ on the card, my friend arrived, and we were off. Unfortunately, I left my damn license on the glass of the copy machine. I called the Kinko's, but the dude on the phone said that he couldn't find it.

Now I have to get a New York ID. What a pile of horse crap; cops now will not be able to tell my weight (actually, cops now will not be able to tell what I told the DMV three years ago what my weight was).

And now for some sweet irony from October 16, 2004:

The Magic City...of Liars

2008-02-26T23:11:00.000-05:00

In the last months, I've met three people from Minot, North Dakota. Each time I've met a Minotian, I've said, "Oh, you're from Minot? I know Dale Brown."

Neither of the three has ever heard of Dale Brown. It is clear to me that these three people are lying about where they're from.

John Green Can't Win Them All

2008-02-25T21:30:00.005-05:00

i	ii	iii	iv	Final
ix	x	iii	vii	xxix
vii	xii	xix	xi	xlix

The greatest basketball coach of all time, John Green, could not lead his West Monroe Lady Rebels to victory over the Southwood Cowgirls in the Girls' Top XXVIII in Hammond tonight. Congratulations, nevertheless, on a great season.