Thursday, March 24, 2011

Friday, March 18, 2011

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Three-Sentence Review of Rango

The movie won me over with the Greek chorus' gratuitous use of a sparkly blue near-Strat during the eighth montage. The word "damn" is used so many times that I never again need to see The Secret of N.I.M.H. The film gets ***1/2 because it had more gay innuendo than my WMHS junior year French class.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

It's "Adam Is Wearing Women's Deodorant" Season

Secret. The clicky kind. Used/borrowed. I feel fresher than just-mowed grass.

This is what you get, Mitchùm, for half-assing it for the past six years. I used to be able to skip a day like it says on your label, but now I smell like I've been bathing in fat-guy stink by the time I get to the subway.

Secret should just go ahead and market itself as men's deodorant. It's awesome.

xxxxxiv iii: xiv Things I Like Just as Much at xxx as I Did at xiv

As you get older, things change, but not everything. The great John Wooden once said, "The true value of a man can be seen not in his ability to adapt, but in his willingness to stay true and consistent to what allows him to live." Coach Wooden died on my 30th birthday, and his words inspired me to see how they apply to my life--to take inventory, so to speak. I've changed a lot over the years, but some things--important things--make me just as happy as they did when I was xiv:
You still can't leave me open.

  • Queen
  • Citrus Cooler Gatorade. I can't find this stuff anywhere anymore. It was the fourth flavor of Gatorade, introduced circa mcmlxxxviii, and now the only place I can find it is at the Circle K at State Street and Highland Road in Baton Rouge.
  • Ren & Stimpy
  • my ball-handling skills
  • my hair
  • clearing a room with a fart, the most undeniable demonstration of pure, indefatigable masculinity
  • teaching kids dirty jokes that they don't understand yet
  • Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! I can beat Mike in Round 2, by the way.
  • making up John Wooden quotes for blog posts
  • when West Monroe beats Ouachita at football
  • lists
  • 40-minute showers
  • Pee-wee's Big Adventure
  • breasts