Sunday, September 12, 2010

Can I Convince Him That Ruth Was a Quadroon?

Hey GD.
Hey, Adam. Glad we could get together and watch a sporting event together.
Definitely. I'm psyched. GEAUX TIGERS!

Hey, Adam, I have a question for you.
Go ahead, pal. Ask anything.
You're a smart guy. Best baseball player ever. Dead, retired, or alive. What's your take?
Babe Ruth.
Come on. How can he be the best without playing against black players?
Ok, fine. Hank Aaron.
His home run total is deceptive. He benefited from a shallow power alley in Milwaukee for 12 years.
Ok, then. Willie Mays.
Oh, so now you're just going to go down a list of all the greatest black players just to shut me up?
Roberto Clemente.
You're a racist.
Cecil Fielder.
Forget it. Go to hell.
Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Ty Cobb.
Oooh, nice choice.
But he never played against black players.
Yeah, you're right.
But he did beat a lot of black people up in his lifetime, so one could assume that since he could beat them at fighting, he could beat them at baseball.

Bad things will happen to you one day.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

xxxxxiv i: Top xiv Songs to Which To Listen Right Before Playing in the Big Game So You Can Be Psyched

(I'm turning xxx years old in a few weeks, so I'm commemorating it with xxx top xiv lists. Enjoy/bash.)

xiv: Neil Young & Crazy Horse, "Powderfinger"

A great Neil riff powers this back-against-the-wall song about a xxii year-old who has to defend his family's moonshine business from the feds with a single rifle. This one's good if you have to carry a team by yourself, which reminds me--sorry, Cleveland fans. You deserved better.
xiii: Queen, "The March of the Black Queen"
We're already getting awkward. I won't lie--I'm pretty sure that this song is about Freddie Mercury taking it from behind from a black guy in drag. The lyric:
A little nigger sugar, then a rub-a-dub of baby oil, black on, black on, every fingernail and toe, we've only begun.
should disqualify this song from any sort of honor such as this, but when Freddie sings,
I reign with my left hand
I rule with my right
I'm lord of all darkness
I'm queen of the night
I've got the power
Now do the march of the black queen
that's basically Freddie saying, "Ok, no more taking it from behind from black dudes in drag tonight--I've got a Game 7 to win!"
xii: Jim Johnston, "Graveyard Symphony"
A pat on the back goes to you if you saw this and thought, "Oh, that's the Undertaker's ring entrance music!" Yes, it is. And it gets me psyched.

xi: Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
This song isn't really that bad-ass. It's really just sort of comical (not making fun of Alice Cooper--I'm just saying that this song is a bit of an intentional pastiche of bad-assery.). Having said that, the song is bad-ass enough that the producers of Sidekicks probably didn't put this in the movie because it would make them lose their G-rating.

x: Iggy & the Stooges, "Gimme Danger"
The whole Raw Power album sounds like rape. While that is inherently bad, if the qualities in the instrumentation of "Gimme Danger" could be harnessed in an octagon, I'm pretty sure I could give Dan Severn at least two kinds of cauliflower ear and a bloody anus.

ix: John Lennon, "Instant Karma!"
I first heard this song in a Nike commercial. I was so psyched that I almost bought a pair of Nikes.

viii: Larry Fine, "Pop Goes the Weasel"
Of all the things Curly Howard and I have in common, this is arguably one of my ix or x favorites.

vii: Alan Parsons Project, "Sirius"
And now, the starting lineup for your Eastern Conference Champion Chicago Bulls! At forward, from Clemson, 6'10", Horace Grant. A 6'7" forward from Central Arkansas, Scottie Pippen. The man in the middle, from San Francisco, 7'1", Bill Cartwright. A 6'2" guard from Notre Dame, John Paxson.

From North Carolina, at guard, 6'6", Michael...Jordan!

The head coach is Phil Jackson.

(I always hated the Bulls, but this Parsons introductory classic can make a dead man come.)

vi: The White Stripes, "Icky Thump"
Cock rock. Pure, beautiful cock rock.

v: Metallica, "The Four Horsemen
This song works best when someone from a different religion is your opponent. Your warm-ups or robe should be removed right when Cliff climbs the neck at 3:42.

iv: Thin Lizzy, "Emerald"
A great heavy tune about some Irish war. No matter the game or sport, if you blare this while downing a case of Smithwick's, you shall be the victor.

iii: Ансамбль песни и пляски Российской армии, "Гимн Советского Союза"
Я не знаю, в чем смысл этой песни, и я не обязательно поддерживают своих идей. Но факт остается фактом, что это последняя песня Рокки Бальбоа слышал пол Иван Драго в Rocky IV. Таким образом, можно предположить, что если бы я слушаю эту песню, я буду в состоянии победить гигантских блондин, который были введены с галлонов анаболических стероидов.

ii: DVDA, "Now You're a Man"
I've listened to this song so many times that it isn't funny anymore. It just gets me psyched to become the legend I'm destined to become. Titties.

i: The Golden Band From Tigerland, "Pregame/Touchdown"

Monday, April 5, 2010

Letterman Correctly Predicts NCAA Basketball Title Game Three Years in Advance

A prophecy revealed to me at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

In February mmvii, my friend Jason was visiting New York from Wisconsin, and he got us Letterman tickets. The interns must have found us attractive because they put us in the second row right in front of Dave's desk.

A few minutes before the filming was to take place, Dave greeted the audience and asked if anybody had any questions. My hand shot up....

You sir, in the yellow shirt. What's your name?
Hi, Adam. Where are you from?
I see. Were you affected by the storms?
A bit. I moved here after.
Well, we're all glad you're ok, and I hope you enjoy living life in New York. What's your question, Adam?
Who ya got in the Final Four?
Oooh, Final Four. Ok, this is easy. Let's see...Butler and Duke. That's it. Those two teams, and that's it. Wait, that's not right. Adam, who's your favorite team?
Then that's it. LSU and Duke. That's your Final Four.