Monday, October 12, 2009

How To Make Hate Crime Legislation Work for You

Congress is passing--or has passed, I'm not sure--the Matthew Shepard Act. I know many who oppose this legislation, and for good reasons, but let's make lemonade here. I know a fool-proof way for you to make bullshit hate-crime legislation work in your favor. Just follow these simple steps:
  1. You know that dude that you hate the most? We'll call him Chad. Go find him and pick a fight with him.
  2. Take the fall. Let Chad beat the crap out of you.
  3. During your ass-whoopin', say stuff like "I only want to love you, Chad!" and "I thought our special night together when we had a lot of gay sex meant something, Chad!"
  4. When the ambulance and police show up to make sense of the situation, tell everyone that you're really, really gay and that the only reason Chad beat you up was because of his hatred for gays (chances are that Chad is pretty homophobic anyway as a direct result of the one gay experience he was forced to have so that he would be accepted into Sigma Chi).
  5. Celebrate Chad's 10-year prison sentence by plowing his girlfriend and sister.