Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Thanks, Bloomberg. The Island Is Sinking

People come to New York literally to watch a McDonald's exist.

Whenever a city/area shuts down streets permanently in order to make itself more "pedestrian," I'm almost always in favor because I'm not morbidly obese and irrationally averse to walking 300 extra yards to Tiger Stadium. Having more pedestrian-friendly places creates an inevitable increase in inadvertent/advertent excercise, overall better health for all of us, and, most importantly, a generally better quality of life for me.

Not so with Times Square.

I already don't like Times Square because not only is that where you find the fattest asses in New York (including an inordinate amount of them from Tennessee for some reason) looking up and saying stuff like "Oh my gawd, that is greaaaaaaat! They got a Hard Rawk Caffay here, too, Skyler!" (Now I'm not talking about "freshman fifteen" fat--those chicks are hot--I'm talking about "can't fit into the Sephia anymore" fat.) And now, they've shut down the stretch of Broadway from 48th to 40th, painted the street green for some reason, and plopped a slew of lawn chairs from Walgreens for some other equally inexplicably stupid reason. The results couldn't be more disgusting.

Imagine Burning Man, except instead of scrawny hippie dudes gangbanging ugly chicks by campfire, it's a bunch of fat people squirting suntan lotion on themselves and watching Fox News on a 2000" JumboTron while a convicted felon of indeterminate ethnic origin is forced to use two easels to draw their caricatures for $40. Ironically, by taking the automobile traffic out of Times Square, and replacing the cars with people the size of cars, there is less pedestrian space available.

Monday, July 20, 2009

In Honor of My Still Being on My Floyd Fix, Here Are My Current Top xiv Pink Floyd Songs

Close-up of me ca. mmviii
  1. "Dogs"
  2. "Astronomy Domine"
  3. "The Narrow Way"
  4. "Time"
  5. "Wish You Were Here"
  6. "Learning To Fly"
  7. "Free Four"
  8. "Poles Apart"
  9. "Childhood's End"
  10. "Jugband Blues"
  11. "In the Flesh?"
  12. "Fearless"
  13. "See Emily Play"
  14. "Breathe"

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Can I Sleep in Your Bed?

I had a dream last night that I turned on the tv and saw a guy who looked just like me, had even more muscles than I have, had more hair than I have, and was a successful and respected tv actor who had just signed a multi-million dollar contract with a network contained in the dream's universe. It turned out that the guy was my identical twin, from whom I had been separated at birth because my parents couldn't afford to raise two kids.


The guy in my nightmare

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Song of the Year

Of all the photos of me at the age of xxix, this is the first one that does not contain full frontal nudity.
I've done a lot of thinking. The soundtrack of my life should be compiled so that when I die, it can be played at my funeral. If I am to die of natural causes, the compilation can be played on shuffle; if I die an untimely death, it must be played straight through in a dark room with xiv candles burning. Also, I must be worshiped in a way that will anger God (I will convince God to forgive you all--don't worry).

To compile my life's soundtrack, I'm simply coming up with a "song of the year" for each year I have lived. In a hypothetical Adamian calendar beginning June 4, my birthday, and ending the following June 3, there are now xxix songs.

Now, the "song of the year" doesn't necessarily mean my favorite song from a given year. It simply is the song that defined my year the most at the time; some of the songs of the year are songs that I now hate (read below and guess which ones).

Let's go through the years leading up to this one, and then I'll present to you this year's nominees (please keep in mind that it wasn't until 1992 that my taste in music became worth a damn):

Adamian yearSongArtist
1980-1981"Amazing Grace"*John Newton
1981-1982"You Are My Sunshine"*Jimmie Davis
1982-1983"Total Eclipse of the Heart"Bonnie Tyler
1983-1984"Eat It""Weird Al" Yankovic
1984-1985"We're Not Gonna Take It"Twisted Sister
1985-1986"Amarillo by Morning"George Strait
1986-1987"My Toot Toot"Rockin' Sidney
1987-1988"You Give Love a Bad Name"Bon Jovi
1988-1989"Take Me Home, Country Roads"John Denver
1989-1990"18 & Life"Skid Row
1990-1991"Blaze of Glory"Jon Bon Jovi
1991-1992"Bohemian Rhapsody"Queen
1992-1993"Brighton Rock"Queen
1993-1994"Time Is on My Side"The Rolling Stones
1994-1995"Sway"The Rolling Stones
1995-1996"Here Comes the Sun"The Beatles
1996-1997"Don't Stop Me Now"Queen
1997-1998"Love, Reign O'er Me"The Who
1998-1999"Down by the Seaside"Led Zeppelin
1999-2000"Powderfinger"Neil Young
2000-2001"Ambulance Blues"Neil Young
2001-2002"Rocks Off"The Rolling Stones
2002-2003"Offend in Every Way"The White Stripes
2003-2004"Mean Old Line"Jimbo Mathus
2004-2005"Expecting To Fly"Buffalo Springfield
2005-2006"Desolation Row"Bob Dylan
2006-2007"All or Nothing"Small Faces
2007-2008"Icky Thump"The White Stripes

Yes, it's been a great life, and nowhere near as great a soundtrack. So far, disc one sucks, and disc two rules. If I live long enough for a box set, I'm sure things will improve unless I go on a 12-year Barbara Mandrell kick.

So...it's mmix now, and it is time to determine the Song of the Year for the Adamian Year 2008-2009. Here are the nominees:

"Hello Hooray" by Alice Cooper"Butcher" by Leonard Cohen"Let Me Roll It" by Paul McCartney & Wings"Consoler of the Lonely" by The Raconteurs"Salute Your Solution" by The Raconteurs

And the winner is...

"Let Me Roll It" by Paul McCartney & Wings!