Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Almost Botched My Salvation Like a Papa Shango Sneak Attack

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xiii years ago today, I was baptised. I always remember this day because it was on the fourth anniversary of Wrestlemania VIII. I always remember that day because six days later on Saturday Night Live, Kevin Nealon delivered a story on Weekend Update, saying, "Wrestlemania VIII was held in the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis this past Sunday, and experts are still trying to figure out why."

It was a Wednesday night when I was baptised by Eugene Brown at Rocky Branch Assembly of God, located on the outskirts of Farmerville, Louisiana. To give you an idea of how small a town Rocky Branch is, it's located on the outskirts of a town called Farmerville.

It was minutes before the service was to begin, and somebody noted that I hadn't thought to bring a change of clothes. I said, "No problem--I think I'll just do it in my underwear." Horrified by the thought of so much of my surface area in plain sight (and perhaps more horrified that I would have such a stupid idea), panic ensued, and a search party was organized to find me some baptisewear. At the last minute, I was given some clothes much too big for me, and it was my turn.

After Brother Brown asked me the standard questions about my plans to serve Jesus, he asked me if I had any words for the congregation. I said, "The water here is freezing, and I can't think of a better night to get baptised than tonight...the fourth anniversary of Wrestlemania VIII."

Monday, March 23, 2009

How To Tell If You Are an Idiot With Your Bracket Picks

Follow these simple steps:
  1. Fill out a make-believe bracket with the high seed winning each game.
  2. Fill out your own picks in another, non-make-believe bracket. This is the one on which you're betting money.
  3. Watch the games.
  4. Tally the scores of both brackets.
  5. If your real bracket scores lower than your make-believe bracket, you're an idiot.
Ok, now let's see if I'm an idiot.

Make-believe bracket: 36 correct (50 points in the weighted round system).
Non-make-believe bracket: 37 correct (51 points in the weighted round system).

Way to be dumber than me, idiots (except for Bonnie McNemar Budyach, Gustavo "Goose" Douaihi, and Jeremy White, all of whom scored higher than me).

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Midnight Snack

1. Easy Mac.
2. Some extra sharp Cheddar.
3. Some Swiss.
4. 6 jalapeño slices.
5. 1 teaspoon Louisiana hot sauce.
6. 1 teaspoon Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce.
7. A dash of Bac-O's.
8. A dash of Tony Chachere's Original Cajun Seasoning.
9. 1 roll industrial toilet paper for the near-instant diarrhea you'll have.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Lunch Today

One slice of Swiss cheese.
One slice of extra sharp cheddar cheese.
8 drops of Louisiana hot sauce.
14 shakes of Tony Chachere's Original Cajun Seasoning.
4 jalapeño slices.


Monday, March 2, 2009

So I get on the subway this morning, and it's literally duct-taped together. I'm not sure how alarmed I should be--after all, I've always viewed a bad economy as a "Big Bad Wolf": if you build a house out of bricks, you'll be fine in the end. But I'm not sure how a Three Little Pig would do in a house made of duct tape. I guess we'll find out. I smell another crack epidemic. I'm gonna move to 125th Street and set up shop really soon.