Sunday, February 15, 2009

I Am the Worst Neighbor Who Ever Lived.

(If you are a woman who would even remotely consider sleeping with me ever, do not read the following. It is disgusting, and it would reduce the chances of me ever scoring with you. I mean it. Do not read the following.)

Yesterday, I had a bowel movement. It was enormous--possibly the biggest in my life. I flushed not once, not twice, but thrice during it, and I had to flush two times after I was done just to make sure it was gone.

This morning as I left my house to go to the store for sunflower seeds (I'm addicted like you wouldn't believe), I saw my downstairs neighbor and landlady sweeping out of her home what appeared to be human waste. I don't know how I could tell that it was mine, but I just knew, kind of like how a penguin can remember which is his mate after months of absence even when penguins are virtually identical.

"What do you eat?" asked my landlady. I didn't answer her question directly, but I apologized and told her that I found this ironic since I practice vegetarianism--imagine if I were a carnivore!

The official story is that I shat an anvil that was so big that it burst the pipes downstairs. I haven't felt this proud since I beat Tyson in two rounds.

1 comment:

BellaFitz said...

NOTE TO SELF: Sunflower seeds, once shat = sewer trouble.

NOTE TO ADAM: Not a chance in hell.