Monday, February 23, 2009

Quick Note to Sean Penn

Obama opposes gay marriage.
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Sunday, February 15, 2009

I Am the Worst Neighbor Who Ever Lived.

(If you are a woman who would even remotely consider sleeping with me ever, do not read the following. It is disgusting, and it would reduce the chances of me ever scoring with you. I mean it. Do not read the following.)

Yesterday, I had a bowel movement. It was enormous--possibly the biggest in my life. I flushed not once, not twice, but thrice during it, and I had to flush two times after I was done just to make sure it was gone.




This morning as I left my house to go to the store for sunflower seeds (I'm addicted like you wouldn't believe), I saw my downstairs neighbor and landlady sweeping out of her home what appeared to be human waste. I don't know how I could tell that it was mine, but I just knew, kind of like how a penguin can remember which is his mate after months of absence even when penguins are virtually identical.

"What do you eat?" asked my landlady. I didn't answer her question directly, but I apologized and told her that I found this ironic since I practice vegetarianism--imagine if I were a carnivore!

The official story is that I shat an anvil that was so big that it burst the pipes downstairs. I haven't felt this proud since I beat Tyson in two rounds.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

L Racisto o L Homosexualo?

I'm standing over a twentysomething black guy on the L in Brooklyn, and I want to indicate to him that his fly is unzipped, but I'm seriously afraid that this has become, unbeknownst to me and other colorlesses, a new urban fad and that my indication of such trousal openness will be viewed as archaic and racist. So now I have to stare at every black male crotch I see. You know, for research.
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Oh, and Regarding the Hair

If someone could find me a nice white woman to cut my hair for once, that would be great. The reason is that men, regardless of race, smell bad when they cut hair. As for women of color...I'm no racist (stop laughing); to put it bluntly, y'all cut y'all hair good, but that's all. I'll let a daughter bring one home, no problem, but my hair is where I draw the line.
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Mighty Indeed

I took my first long walk of mmix last night. Props to God for getting around to making it warm enough for me to go outside for more than half a second without feeling suicidal.
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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

No.

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Monday, February 2, 2009

Scrabble

I'm playing online Scrabble on my day off, and I'm immature, so I'm amused right now.
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