My Favorite Bathroom Grafitti Ever

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"Adam Got Hisself a College DEE-ploma"

I often wonder what my life would be like had I been raised to say words like "his'n" and "your'n." It likely would result in a language barrier between me and anyone not from the Deep South, which means it is unlikely that I would graduate from high school, much less college (the only man who ever spoke like this who earned a degree was Bum Phillips).

To my credit, I was raised with words like "hisself" and "theirself" in my vocabulary (not to mention the most offensive racial epithets), yet somehow I scored higher in English than did the average Ivy League graduate.

All in all, though, I'd rather say words like "his'n" and "your'n" than words like "non-dairy creamer" and "magna cum laude."
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Separated From Irony by the Bering Strait

I'm on the N train, and I see an old Chinese lady wearing a Washington Redskins cap.
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Words (Between the Lines of Age)

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Bruce Willis, she desperately wants to make love to you.

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Sean Connery, she desperately wants to make love to you in an attempt to overcome her father issues.

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Jeff van Gundy, don't expect ever to get laid again.
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