Friday, February 29, 2008


Semi-Pro is amazing because it follows a formula for 100% movie success:
  • Bad writing
  • Bad acting
  • Bad jokes
  • Tim Meadows
If you can combine those four things, you have made my kind of movie.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Red Stick Ramblers in NoHo

I saw the Red Stick Ramblers last night at Joe's Pub in NoHo. This was my fourth time seeing them (third time in New York), and it was their best show so far. It's nice to see a band and their new material actually be among their best (because nobody wants to see Aerosmith follow "Dream On" with "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing).

Made in the Shade is their best album, if you ask me. "Les Oiseaux Vont Chanter" is instantly one of my top v Rambler faves.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Woe Is Me, I Can See, Hicksville Stole My Damn ID

A legend dies.

So I'm in Hicksville, New York, this morning, waiting at the town's Long Island Railroad station for my friend to come pick me up and take me to where I'm supposedly working today, and while I wait, I stop inside the Kinko's next to the station, find somebody's discarded ExpressPay card and begin making enlarged copies of my legendary driver's licence (pictured left). As I'd finished spening the remaining xxvi¢ on the card, my friend arrived, and we were off. Unfortunately, I left my damn license on the glass of the copy machine. I called the Kinko's, but the dude on the phone said that he couldn't find it.

Now I have to get a New York ID. What a pile of horse crap; cops now will not be able to tell my weight (actually, cops now will not be able to tell what I told the DMV three years ago what my weight was).

And now for some sweet irony from October 16, 2004:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Magic City...of Liars

In the last months, I've met three people from Minot, North Dakota. Each time I've met a Minotian, I've said, "Oh, you're from Minot? I know Dale Brown."

Neither of the three has ever heard of Dale Brown. It is clear to me that these three people are lying about where they're from.

Monday, February 25, 2008

John Green Can't Win Them All


The greatest basketball coach of all time, John Green, could not lead his West Monroe Lady Rebels to victory over the Southwood Cowgirls in the Girls' Top XXVIII in Hammond tonight. Congratulations, nevertheless, on a great season.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Really? We're Doing THIS?

The only place this could be worse is in a courtroom.
I went to see Juno for the second time yesterday with some folks who hadn't seen it. Sure enough, the entire audience enjoyed the movie, and at the end, the audience gave it a standing ovation.


That was only the second time in my life I've seen this. The first time was May 19, 1999, when Capitain Marc and I saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace at Tinseltown in West Monroe on opening night. The nerds applauded at the beginning of the movie.

I guess it's better to applaud at the end of Juno than at the beginning of Episode I, but still, what audience collectively decides to ovate a projection screen?

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Geaux to Hell!

The P.B.S. Pinchback of basketball coaches.
Congratulations to Butch Pierre, interim LSU Men's Basketball coach, for getting home win #1.



Friday, February 22, 2008

Being Out in Yo Cold Gon' Give Me Skrep Froat

Dear Brooklyn,

It snowed like a bastard last night and today. Perhaps you should be introduced to these two items, you lazy-ass borough:

I'm trying to walk, dammit.



Thursday, February 21, 2008

Toenail Crud

(I've always wondered this, but I've never had the courage to ask.)

When I clip my toenails, and I clip the big toenail, there's this big chunk of crud under the inner corner of it, and it smells kinda like cheese. Am I the only one who experiences this?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I've Found a Reason To Keep Livin'

I ate these for all three meals yesterday.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Meet the Spartans

Even the actors were distracted when insertion occurred.
Meet the Spartans is the worst movie of its kind. And its kind it the worst kind, sadly. I'm sad to say that it took me until I was xxvii to get it, but there are no jokes in movies like this--just references to current events and recent movies. I guess we're supposed to be fooled into thinking that these references are jokes because Hollywood has this crazy idea that the following are inherently funny:
  • Kevin Sorbo
  • Anachronistic use of cell phones in ancient times
  • Carmen Electra (but kudos to CE for knowing her place and not trying to do anything intelligent)
  • The cast of The Drew Carey Show
Meet the Spartans actually was an amazing experience, though. There were only four people in the theater: me, my lover, and a young couple down in front. During half the movie, the young couple down in front were deep in the throes of what appeared to be coitus.

I want to see Meet the Spartans again.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Basketball Dave Is a Crappy Journalist

Underground sports news.
When trade rumors involving then-Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal began swirling, I texted my pal Dave. He didn't believe me until it actually went down. When the trade happened, and when O'Neal actually donned a Suns jersey, Dave said, "I gotta hand it to you--you were on the story big time."

I got the story from ESPN, Dave. You're an idiot.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


My February 9, 2008, blog entry should have been entitled, "It Was XLIV Years Ago Today." I apologize for the confusion, and I thank no one for pointing out my mistake.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

540° > Birthday Cake

Tonight's NBA Slam Dunk Contest was the best dunk contest I've seen since Carlos Funchess' legendary 540° dunk at Ewing Coliseum in mcmxli.

Friday, February 15, 2008

$400,000 Pumped Into the New Orleans Economy

NBA All-Star Weekend begins tonight in New Orleans. Congratulations to Harrah's.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

LSU Owns Florida

85-73. Happy Valentine's Day. And I predicted the win!

LSU has won four of six over the Gaytors.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Top xiv Dylan Songs

i"Don't Think Twice, It's All Right"
ii"Spanish Harlem Incident"
iii"Like a Rolling Stone"
iv"All Along the Watchtower"
"Desolation Row"
"Idiot Wind"
"Day of the Locusts"
"It's All Over Now, Baby Blue"
"Tell Me That It Isn't True"
"Love Minus Zero/No Limit"
"The Man in Me"
"My Back Pages"
"A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"
"Mr. Tambourine Man"

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Top xiv Rolling Stones Songs

i"Time Is on My Side"
ii"No Expectations"
iv"Lady Jane"
"If You Need Me"
"Mixed Emotions"
"Let It Bleed"
"Gimme Shelter"
"Sister Morphine"
"Brown Sugar"
"Tumbling Dice"
"Shine a Light"
"Sweet Virginia"

Monday, February 11, 2008

Top xiv Beatles Songs

i"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
ii"Don't Let Me Down"
iii"Strawberry Fields Forever"
iv"Here Comes the Sun"
"I've Just Seen a Face"
"I'm Only Sleeping"
"Ticket To Ride"
"Eleanor Rigby"
"If I Fell" (I hate this song; I don't know how it has so many plays)
"I Am the Walrus"
"I Want To Hold Your Hand"
"Devil in Her Heart"
"We Can Work It Out"

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Ok, Fine. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts.


Unless it's the only thing left in your pantry, in which case:

'fraid so.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

It Was LXIV Years Ago Today

I can't believe it's been so long since the world witnessed this:

Friday, February 8, 2008

I Might As Well Kill Myself; I'm Already Dead

I was supposed to be commemorating the 50th anniversary of John Lennon's meeting George Harrison, but the worst thing in my life happened today. I will answer no questions as to what that is, and I will open up the floor to speculation and drama.

It's just not fair, and I might not make it through the night.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

The Same Seat!

I saw The Late Show yesterday in person, and amazingly, I sat in the exact same seat as I did last February when I went with the Bohner. Second row, right in front of Dave's desk. Here's a couple of clips:

Letterman with Eli Manning:

The worst Dave bit I've ever seen:

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I Predict Vince Will Be Really Coked Up

The Ed.
My search for medicine for the Beast (it has AIDS) led me to 54th and Broadway, where I walked by the Ed and, on a whim, filled out a quick application for tickets to The Late Show tonight. The guests are Eli Manning, Vince Vaughn, and a lame band featuring a chick who probably is the next Regina Spektor or something.

And I won tickets, so I get to see the show tonight--my third time. I'm taking GD for his thirtysomethingth birthday.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Mardi Gras

The coolest day of the year is the day that comes xlvii days before the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

Eat a pancake.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Super Bowl XLII Epilogue

I was right. The Giants scored xvii, as I predicted. The Patriots, however, scored xxxi fewer than I expected.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Super Bowl XLII

Time for my prediction for tonight's game.



Saturday, February 2, 2008

Pulp Fiction

I finally saw Pulp Fiction last night. I'm glad I waited until mmxiii to see it, because if I'd seen it in mcmxliv, I probably wouldn't have understood any of it except the part where they talk about le Big Mac.
This is also only the 2nd Quentin Tarantino flick I've seen; I saw Reservoir Dogs a few years ago. So I guess I'm doing the right thing by watching them in order, or something?
I hated Reservoir Dogs, and I won't explain why. I just thought it was a stupid movie, and I think Tim Roth is a huge fag. Huge. But Pulp Fiction is a good one.
Ok, I'm tired of talking about Tarantino flicks. They're nowhere near as good as Gilliam/Jones flicks.

Friday, February 1, 2008


I'd never had falafel before, and I didn't know what it was.

I had falafel last night, and I still don't know what it is. And I don't even know if I like it.