Thursday, January 31, 2008

Top xiv Songs for January mmviii

i"Icky Thump"The White Stripes
ii"Silver Lining"Rilo Kiley
iii"Helplessly Hoping"
Crosby, Stills, & Nash
iv"You Don't Have To Cry"
Crosby, Stills, & Nash
v
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
The Beatles
vi
"Here Without You"
The Byrds
vii
"Voodoo Chile"
The Jimi Hendrix Experience
viii
"Don't Think Twice, It's All Right"
Bob Dylan
ix
"Rattle My Cage"
Red Stick Ramblers
x
"Valse de Balfa"
Red Stick Ramblers
xi
"Close Call"
Rilo Kiley
xii
"Time Is on My Side"
The Rolling Stones
xiii
"Don't Let Me Down"
The Beatles
xiv
"Sunshine of Your Love"
Cream

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

But as Soon as They Turn 16....

I went to Hell's Kitchen last night and I ran into my old algebra teacher at West Monroe, the Latin teacher, two other teachers, and liv WMHS students. They were, of course, awestruck. We talked about a lot of things...school, college, the future, and how much they all really loved Varsity, Inc.

No long story here, I just want to say for the record that I did not hit on any of the chicks.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

H-O-R-S-

Sometimes in my dreams, I'm playing HORSE with Pistol Pete.

Monday, January 28, 2008

TootNanny

In the past month or so, a few people have been asking, What does "TootNanny" (my nickname given to me when I was a baby) mean? While I'm not sure exactly what it means, I have some theories:
  • I have heard that it is a slang term for "vagina" that originated in jazz clubs in the 1920's. If you've never heard this, it's probably because you're white and you never hang around black people because you're scared that your racist dad will find out and take away your car.
  • I have received unconfirmed reports that sometime in the 20th century in Bastrop, Louisiana (xxvi miles from West Monroe, my home town), there was a rib joint called "Tootnanny's BBQ."
Other TootNannys:
  • "Tootnanny and Willie" a short story by obscure writer Chyenne. The character Tootnanny is described in this exerpt:
    "He was the color of a baby

    Lashauna S.
    grand piano but skinny like a clarinet, and was the blackest man I had ever seen."
  • A 1960's surf band called the Rumblers, whose music charted only in France, released a single in August 1963 called "It's a Gaz" with b-side "Tootnanny." Link (on lit
    cette page en français.) The song is regularly used as background music on the Dr. Demento radio show.
  • Lashauna S. (pictured right) has a cousin named Tootnanny.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

But I'm One, and I Sometimes Cry

I'm going to see The Cure at Radio City Music Hall in June. This is because I think The Cure is the greatest band of all time.

When I say, "I'm going to see The Cure at Radio City Music Hall in June. This is because I think The Cure is the greatest band of all time," I mean, "I'm going to see The Cure at Radio City Music Hall in June. This is because I think The Cure is the 457th greatest band of all time."

457 is pretty good. There are a lot of bands.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Subtitles En Espanol

My time tested theory that a rock 'n' roll video with subtitles en espanol makes the video twice as bad ass is proven.

Exhibit A: "Icky Thump" by The White Stripes

Friday, January 25, 2008

Kennedy, Daisy Fuentes, Jodi Sweetin, Jessica Rabbit, and Eve Plumb Have Company



Congratulations to Ellen Page, who has now joined the short list of celebrities with whom I am madly in love.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Totally Serial

I hope nobody saw me today as I walked by 421 Broome St. Usually killers return to the scene of the crime.

(Of course, the scene of the crime in this instance would be the internet, which is where the damning took place.)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I Killed Him


Autopsy photo
Some folks found Heath Ledger dead at 421 Broome Street in SoHo today at 3:30pm. Some of my friends are blaming me, and the not the sleeping pills found beside him, for mentioning him in a blog entry two days ago.

Let's just see if this works....

Blacks. Jews. Hillary. Carlos Mencia. Frat Boys.

Don't worry. If it works, I'll just erase this blog entry and bring most of them back.

Monday, January 21, 2008

If Only Capulets and Montagues Had Dialogue Like This


This movie is so good that I might start pimping my daughter when she's only xii.
I saw Juno yesterday. It's the first time I've ever watched anything involving kids having sex that hasn't made me feel really uncomfortable. Seriously. It's my thing. That 70's Show, Romeo and Juliet, and even the story of the birth of Jesus, when Mary got it on with God, make me cringe. I just don't like it when kids bone. Is that so wrong?

But hey, Juno is my favorite-written movie in a long time. I've always told my big shot friends in the biz that great writing can overcome crappy acting or crappy directing, but neither great acting nor great directing can overcome crappy writing.

See the movie, get the soundtrack, and do it now. And when your 16-year old gets knocked up, keep it all in perspective: while it sucks that she isn't as cool as Juno, at least she isn't Jamie Lynn.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Jack, I Swear...zzzzzzz

I know it's a bit late for my Brokeback Mountain review, but...

I don't understand all the controversy. I've known all my life that cowboys are about the gayest things on earth.

BFD.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Current Bawcomite Record Is Still 0


But not as gay as 311.
I think a world record was set last night: most people from West Monroe who aren't related or on a lame choir field trip hanging out in New York.

iv.

I was proudly the one of the four who wasn't at the Rascal Flatts concert at Madison Square Garden. In a related story, I like chicks.

And Tarv delivered a motivational speech that would have made Dale Brown sound like Eeyore.

Friday, January 18, 2008

XXIX Days, No CT2


You have no idea who this is.
LSU basketball is having a rough year. This sucks for two reasons:
  1. LSU basketball is having a rough year, and that makes me sad.
  2. LSU basketball will get virtually no national exposure this year, preventing the world from hearing for the 10,000th time that Collis Temple, Jr., was the first black player in the history of LSU basketball.
It's a damn shame.

Black History Month will suck because of this.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Parental Supremacy


xl years too soon.
I was walking around Park Slope recently, and I saw a lot of babies. It then dawned on me: I don't hate children. In fact, none of us truly hates children. Not a single one of us.

We hate their parents, and with good cause.

It is perfectly natural for a parent to see his or her child and think that he or she has the best child in the world. What happens next is that the parent, unfortunately, puts ii and ii together and thinks to him- or herself, "If I have the best child in the world, and I made that child, then I must be the best person in the world."

The Ku Klux Klan, people involved with Shreveport's Evangel Christian Academy, and the average parent. There's nothing in this world worse than people who think they're better than everyone else.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Holy Crap. Chocolate Skittles.


They're Skittles, and they're chocolate. Except the Vanilla ones. Those aren't chocolate at all. They're vanilla.
The Skittles people just threw something at us that we didn't even know we wanted.

I tried 'em tonight, and man o man are these babies good. Chocolate Skittles are the best obviously temporary promotion since caramel M&M's (I'm not an atheist, but if I were, it would be because caramel M&M's were discontinued).

Chocolate Skittles come in five flavors, all of which are unique and completely delicious!

Flavor
Tastes like
S'moresTootsie Roll
VanillaTootsie Roll
Chocolate Caramel
Tootsie Roll
Chocolate Pudding
Tootsie Roll
Brownie Batter
Tootsie Roll

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Stockton and Malone Came in at a Close Second

I recently saw, for the first time, the state quarter of Utah:



Ok. Pretty cool. I think we can agree that the Utahn bigshots made a good choice with Promontory Point and the famous rail spike. I dig it. Notice that they made no attempt at controversy with something like a picture of Joseph Smith with "This Is the Place" captioned below.

...or did they?

Let's take a look at the quarter upside-down:




Ok. That looks like a freaky weird Mormon temple. And look at the words on the quarter and read them upside down.
ɯnun snqıɹnld ǝ
L00Z
ʇsǝʍ ǝɥʇ ɟo spɐoɹssoɹɔ
6981
ɥɐʇn
All this is Mormon for:
"And all this have they done that they might pervert the right ways of the Lord, that they might blind the eyes and harden the hearts of the children of men."
- 1 Nephi 13:27
Stop trying to brainwash us, Utah quarter.

Monday, January 14, 2008

I'll Probably Even Skip My Own To Save a Buck


Old folks who don't know what that gesture means.
I picked the wrong time to live. This is the bad thing about living far from home. See, in the next ten years, we're all going to have to go to a lot of funerals (Baby Boomers can't live forever). Then there are weddings, and since I come from a religious background, most of the marriages close to me will end in divorce because religious people tend to have a naive, perverted view of marriage. So not only will I have to go to all my friends' weddings, I'll have to go to their 2nd weddings ten years later. These plane trips ain't free, gang. Slow down.

If you're my friend, and you're getting married soon, that girl you're marrying is a bitch, or that dude you're marrying is cheating on you with that girl who's prettier than you. And I killed your dog. And before I killed your dog, I raped it. Anything to save myself a couple hundred bucks.

Since I'm considerate of my fellow man, I'm never getting married, and I'm never going to die. And I hate you all, so if I do get married or die, now you won't come to the wedding or funeral because I hated you during my last days.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Headlines

I keep up with the news back home, and most of it shames me and the rest of the world. Here are some headlines from today's issue of Monroe, Louisiana's, News-Star:
  1. "Man Reportedly Selling Cocaine at His Girlfriend's" - This sounds like an advertisement.
  2. "Miss Louisiana Offers Sneak Peak at Trunk Show"
  3. "Monroe Firefighter Accused of Forcing Wife To Eat Feces"
Thanks, Monroe. And remember, Mardi Graw is just around the corner!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Kicks, Punts


Jan Stenerud, inventor of kicking.
If you snap the ball from the 20 (30 yards from the goal post), and kick a field goal, they call it a 37-yard field goal attempt. That is, if the field goal is good, the kicker is given credit for the 7-yards the ball is snapped.

If you snap the ball from the 50, and your punter punts it to the 10, it's a 40-yard punt. It's not a 64-yard punt (accounting for the 14 yards the ball is snapped).

This double standard drives me insane.

Friday, January 11, 2008

So Effective I Could Skip My 20's

I've been a Mitchum Man since 1999. Every time I've put on deodorant, save that three-month period in 2006 when I inexplicably fell in love with women's deodorant, it's been Mitchum for this guy.

What sold me initially was the slogan: "So Effective You Could Skip A Day." I figured, I'm a busy man, and I don't have time to worry about deodorant every day. The problem was that, while Mitchum actually is effective enough to prevent body odor for two days of a sedentary lifestyle, it is not effective enough to do it for say, xv days. I know this all too well.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

And Stop Looking So Greasy


You no my friend.
Hey foreign people. Welcome to America. Some people don't like you, but I welcome you here. I have a tip for you. Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:
  1. I kill you!
  2. You very sneaky man.
If you stop saying those things, people will respect you more. They make you sound like an idiot.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Every Choice I Make Is Designed for People To Know I'm a Winner

I walked around the City today wearing my purple LSU cap. I got a few high-fives, pats on the back, and even a few smiles from the ladies. It was as if I was this guy:


Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I Love You.

My prediction was 37-20, and the Tigers won 38-24. LSU won the national championship in football last night.

GEAUX!

Monday, January 7, 2008

It's Game Day.

It's game day. LSU and Ohio State at the SuperDome. My prediction:

LSU 37
OSU 20

And my choice of attire will be, of course, the Arnsparger:

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Neaux Meauxre Mr. Nice Guy

Painting my face like this for the BCS National Championship Game: yea or nay?

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Don't Go Mistakin' Paradise for the Home Across the Road

If you're feeling down, and you have a ukulele, and you like Dylan, then get the ukulele and play "The Ballad of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest." It's only three chords, and the verses are spoken more than they are sung.

The song is about a guy who gives in to temptation and then dies of syphilis after spending over two weeks in a whorehouse, but it really sounds like a happy song when you think about it.

Maybe when Steve dies, I'll play that song at his funeral and hope that his family assumes that I wrote the song about Steve and that the Frankie Lee character, who dies in the whorehouse, is Steve. "Steve really loved whores," I'd say to his mom.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Greetings, Adam Jr. I've Been Expecting You.

I'm politically apathetic (read: passionately Socialist), so I don't really care who is inaugurated as President (read: Czar) in mmix. I'm also fully aware that virtually every person in the world today has seen the video below. It's just that perhaps one day I will have children, and I want them to see the world in which I lived.

When my kid asks why the following video is funny, and assuming he's too stupid to Google "Facts about Chuck Norris," I'll be able to tell him stories about how Chuck Norris facts got us through the Great Depression of the 2010's (it's coming--trust me).


Thursday, January 3, 2008

Bone-zhur, Black-Eyed Peas

Thanks to Capitain Marc for making all those black-eyed peas. They're all I've eaten this year.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Adam David Wilson, mcmlxxx - mmviii

I'm xxvii. If I am to die at xxvii, I will die this year. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Baby

There was a baby in the apartment today. I've never had a baby in any of my apartments before. As soon as I saw her, I instantly was paranoid that I had buckets of weed and poison and posters of naked women everywhere. But I don't really have any of those things. I guess it was good to know that I have good instincts when it comes to children. Well, not really good, but good enough to try to appear good.

Aquarius cooked brunch. Capitain Marc cooked dinner. I did nothing.

Hacky New Year.