Friday, December 12, 2008

My Favorite Bathroom Grafitti Ever

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Thursday, December 4, 2008

"Adam Got Hisself a College DEE-ploma"

I often wonder what my life would be like had I been raised to say words like "his'n" and "your'n." It likely would result in a language barrier between me and anyone not from the Deep South, which means it is unlikely that I would graduate from high school, much less college (the only man who ever spoke like this who earned a degree was Bum Phillips).

To my credit, I was raised with words like "hisself" and "theirself" in my vocabulary (not to mention the most offensive racial epithets), yet somehow I scored higher in English than did the average Ivy League graduate.

All in all, though, I'd rather say words like "his'n" and "your'n" than words like "non-dairy creamer" and "magna cum laude."
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Monday, December 1, 2008

Separated From Irony by the Bering Strait

I'm on the N train, and I see an old Chinese lady wearing a Washington Redskins cap.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Words (Between the Lines of Age)

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Bruce Willis, she desperately wants to make love to you.

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Sean Connery, she desperately wants to make love to you in an attempt to overcome her father issues.

When you're losing your hair, and a woman compares your baldness to that of Jeff van Gundy, don't expect ever to get laid again.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

American Cuisine

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sign # MMMDCXXIV That I Am a Disgusting Twentysomething Bachelor

I just blew my nose on a dirty pair of underwear, and I'm not 100% certain that they're mine.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

We Are Doomed

The LSU/Alabama game is underway. Nothing could possibly go wrong for the Crimson Tide. Not even God could make them lose.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Breakfast

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Make Sure and Take Small Bites

Try not to choke on your food at Sunset Park Diner & Donuts; we won't know how to help you.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Thursday, October 30, 2008

My Hornets Gear, mmviii-mmix Season

  1. The Shirt
  2. The Hat
  3. The Sunday/Day Game Hat
  4. The Warm Weather Headband (to be worn when the weather is warm enough that I neednt fear catching pneumonia due to a cold, uncovered, bald head)
.

I Just Went #2...

...and didn't need toilet paper! It happened in this toilet (photo taken after successful flush).

God bless the Chinamen for their efficient cuisine!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

That Buzzing Sound You Hear Is One of Excellence and Unstoppability

cviiiciii
The Hornets are 1-0 after last night's win in Oakland. This 1-0 start is tied for the best start in NBA history.

Tonight's game in Phoenix is on TNT.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

MCCCXXXI

I'm at my class reunion (West Monroe 1998) , and I just won the award for travelling the furthest distance to get here.

The guy who came in second lives in Rayville.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

A Stop to the Rumours

I did not have sex with my cousin last night. I promise.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Monday, October 13, 2008

All Class, All the Way

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Mexicans in a Box

This is an inside joke. Tell me if you're one of the few who get it.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Actual Item at the NBA Store in New York

They're actually selling well, too.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I Hope He's Not Saving It for Marriage

Apparently our Savior has a girlfriend and had to let us know by vandalizing a seat on the D train. Shame on you, Mr. of Nazareth.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Emmett (or Snowden) Is Confused in His (or His) Grave

I just installed my new doorbell. It plays Dixie.

These Clouds Look Cool

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

xxxiv days

I just noticed I've been sick for xxxiv straight days. Oh well; at least I'll look thin for my class reunion.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

SEC 2008 Football Predictions

Southeastern Conference
2008 Football Standings
East West

WL

W L
Florida8
0
Auburn6
2
Georgia 7
1
Louisiana State
5
3
South Carolina
4 4
Alabama 4
4
Tennessee4
4
Mississippi State
4
4
Kentucky26Mississippi3
5
Vanderbilt08 Arkansas17

Champion: Florida

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It Was X Years Ago Today

I started college at LSU x years ago today.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Ok nevermind. No more fish. It's tearing me up really bad.

Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm eating seafood again.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

George Carlin

I can't tell you how proud I am that I have not published a massive douche tribute to George Carlin in the form of a blog post.

Enjoy Steely Dan!


Thursday, June 12, 2008

'Vignette' is a word that I hate. No idea why.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

...two for the show...

Thanks to adidas for making actual blue suede shoes.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

'Agriculture'

I wonder if these people at the Atlantic Mall Old Navy realize that I'm walking around so much because I'm cropdusting?

Monday, June 9, 2008

Chero-tan MMVIII

96f in Bryant Park, and the shirt is OFF, ladies!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Just saw the Squirrel Nut Zippers in Chelsea. Great show of course. And Katharine remembered me even though I'm dead!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

There's a homeless guy masturbating on the corner of w 14 st at 8 av, and none of us seem to be able to look away.

The Greatest Birthday Present Ever

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Adam Wilson here, blogging from the other side. I died last night at age xxvii. Record sales will soar.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Whoever is near, come to the kabin. 92 2 av.

Monday, June 2, 2008

America Used To Run on Jazz

I live in Harlem. There is an old jazz club at W. 145th Street at St. Nicholas Avenue that closed down not too long ago. Last week, it re-opened as a Dunkin' Donuts. I'm calling my landlord to ask for my deposit back, but I doubt I'll get it because he's a fat guy.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

xxvii Is Almost Over

My twenty-eighth year is vii days away from being over. I'm at an office at MLB.com, my new employer, right now. I grade umpires on pitch calls. This is, by definition, the best kind of joe job there is. I can go out and do gigs and then put in iii or iv hours of half-ass work and call it a day. I get to dress like garbage and rock via iPod throughout the gig (tonight's selection is Buffalo Springfield's box set--a collection of mature jangle-pop, simply put).

As my twenty-eighth year--the year when I'm xxvii, not xxviii (people always get this wrong. When you're zero, it's your first year. When you're one, it's your second year. When you're 50, it's your 51st, and not your 50th, year)--draws to a close, I am reminded that this means that I have only one week to live since I'm a rockstar, and rockstars die at xxvii.

What will I be doing for my final week? Simple: scare up all the tail I can find, and reconcile with Christ.

We'll have the e-funeral soon, and you'll have your opportunity to pay your last respects.

Sweet Baby Ray's!

I finally found some in New York!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hamilton Grange Moving

Ellipsis

I've been sitting in front of my computer for over a month now, and I can't think of anything to write.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I'll Give You a Hint--Not Me

In 2006, I moved to New York, expecting to stay for five years. Yesterday, a friend of mine from Louisiana--a female--came to New York expecting to stay for four days. Guess which one of us brought more shit?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I Ended Up Not Masturbating to It

Last night I was watching SportsCenter in my living room, and I was about to head to bed. But before I left, I set my tv recorder to record two softcore porns. You know, so I could masturbate to them. I had the next two days off, and I wanted to use them wisely.

Well, in the middle of the day today, I was still in the bed, playing my ukulele in my underwear, and I ended up having plans for the evening. I showered, ate, and left, and I just got back home.

I'm in my room right now, writing this very blog entry. The Beast is asleep in its room, and the Bulldog is watching an episode of one of its favorite recorded tv series right now.

I suspect that the Bulldog has seen that there are two adult films in the DVR cue, and I also suspect that it expects that I have masturbated on the couch.

Well, Bulldog, I am not embarrassed, and no, I did not masturbate on your couch.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Mondegreen

I was listening to "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, and I took particular note of the mondegreen in the second verse:
Cleaned a lot of plates in memphis,
Pumped a lot of pain down in new orleans,
But I never saw the good side of the city,
til I hitched a ride on a river boat queen.
Some think that "pain" is actually "'pane," as in "propane." John Fogerty himself has never told us whether it's "pain" or "'pane."

Anywho, I looked up "mondegreen" on Wikipedia, and I read:
The word "mondegreen" is itself a mondegreen.
I instantly started laughing out loud, and the laughter elevated and then diverted into intense crying because I found it incredibly sad and depressing that I would laugh so much at such a simple self-referential statement.

I've done it. I've gone insane.

(And now Tommy's "Underture" is playing. This won't help.)

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Monday, March 17, 2008

Come On--Washington State in the East?

The mmviii NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Tournament is set to begin this week, and here's the bracket:

Midwest

Detroit Final Four,
San Antonio
CharlotteEast
Omaha 1 Kansas








1 North Carolina Raleigh
16 Portland State
16 Mount Saint Mary's
Dayton
17 Coppin State
8 Nevada-Las Vegas

8 Indiana
9 Kent State 9 Arkansas
Tampa 5 Clemson



5 Notre Dame Denver
12 Villanova 12 George Mason
4 Vanderbilt

4 Washington State
13 Siena 13 Winthrop
Omaha 6 Southern California





6 Oklahoma Birmingham
11 Kansas State 11 Saint Joseph's
3 Wisconsin

3 Louisville
14 California State-Fullerton National Champion 14 Boise State
Raleigh 7 Gonzaga



7 Butler Birmingham
10 Davidson 10 South Alabama
2 Georgetown

2 Tennessee
15 Maryland-Baltimore County 15 American
Anaheim 1 UCLA







1 Memphis Little Rock
16 Mississippi Valley State 16 Texas-Arlington
8 Brigham Young

8 Mississippi State
9 Texas A&M 9 Oregon
Tampa 5 Drake



5 Michigan State Denver
12 Western Kentucky 12 Temple
4 Connecticut


4 Pittsburgh
13 San Diego 13 Oral Roberts
Washington6 Purdue





6 Marquette Anaheim
11 Baylor 11 Kentucky
3 Xavier

3 Stanford
14 Georgia 14 Cornell
Washington 7 West Virginia



7 Miami Little Rock
10 Arizona 10 Saint Mary's
2 Duke

2 Texas
15 Belmont 15 Austin Peay

West

Phoenix Final FourHouston South

Notice that xxxii of the lxv teams are italicized. This is because they each are placed in a region that makes no nominal sense (Duke in the West?). I don't see much, if any, advantage in arbitrarily sending East coast teams West, and vice versa.

So, I've rearranged the bracket. Each team keeps its given seed number and its same placement in its respective bracket; I geographically rearranged the teams, seed by seed, to make the regionals more regional:

Midwest

Detroit Final Four,
San Antonio
CharlotteEast
Omaha 1 Kansas 1 North Carolina Raleigh
16 Texas-Arlington 16 Mount Saint Mary's
Dayton
17 Coppin State
8 Brigham Young 8 Indiana
9 Arkansas 9 Kent State
Omaha 5 Michigan State 5 Notre Dame Washington
12 Villanova 12 Temple
4 Pittsburgh 4 Connecticut
13 Oral Roberts 13 Siena
Little Rock 6 Marquette 6 Purdue Raleigh
11 Kansas State 11 Saint Joseph's
3 Wisconsin 3 Xavier
14 Boise State National Champion 14 Cornell
Little Rock 7 Butler 7 West Virginia Washington
10 Arizona 10 Davidson
2 Tennessee 2 Georgetown
15 Belmont 15 Maryland-Baltimore County
Anaheim 1 UCLA 1 Memphis Birmingham
16 Portland State 16 Mississippi Valley State
8 Nevada-Las Vegas 8 Mississippi State
9 Oregon 9 Texas A&M
Denver 5 Drake 5 Clemson Tampa
12 Western Kentucky 12 George Mason
4 Washington State 4 Vanderbilt
13 San Diego 13 Winthrop
Anaheim6 Southern California 6 Oklahoma Birmingham
11 Baylor 11 Kentucky
3 Stanford 3 Louisville
14 California State-Fullerton 14 Georgia
Denver 7 Gonzaga 7 Miami Tampa
10 Saint Mary's 10 South Alabama
2 Texas 2 Duke
15 Austin Peay 15 American

West

Phoenix Final FourHouston South

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I just fixed my uke!

Friday, March 7, 2008

And I Would Be Remiss If I Didn't Mention Phil Rizzuto Since He Died Recently


...and now you don't.
One of the great things about New York is its many unique neighborhoods and communities. I hope one day to know the entire (safe part of the) City like the back of my hand.

Today business took me to Ridgewood, a historically German community in Queens, a neighborhood that borders Maspeth, Middle Village, Glendale, and Bushwick in Brooklyn.

Hardly any of the buildings are more than three stories high, and there are single-family row houses everywhere with much charm.

My favorite piece of trivia is that famed magician Harry Houdini lived in Ridgewood, and he is buried in nearby Machpelah Cemetery....

...or is he?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

There Is a House, How Sweet the Sound


The Animals, gospel sensations.
If you want to touch the outer aura of soul-sucking depression in a way to balance your emotions because you've been too hopped-up on energy drinks and you don't want to crash too hard, turn the lights out, get out your guitar, drink a glass of warm milk (or if you're lactose-intolerant, another energy drink), and play "House of the Rising Sun," but sing the lyrics to "Amazing Grace."

It is both uplifting and devastating, and rumor has it that it really freaks Jesus out. In a good way, though.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Dialogue That Has Happened One Million Times

Great seats, Adam. Good job getting tickets for the Hornets/Knicks game.
No problem, GD. Geaux Hornets!
And now, please welcome, the Knick City Dancers!
More like Thick City Dancers.
Very funny! Bravo!
No need to worry about Isiah Thomas sexually harassing their fat asses!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Consecutive Odd Numbers!!!


I'm the this guy of math.
The velvet
I had a dream about math, and I discovered a math thing.
If
  • a is an integer
  • a + 1 = b
Then
  • b² - a² = a + b
Integer 0 12 34 56 78 910
Square 0 14 916 2536 4964 81100
Difference
13 57 911 1315 1719

I'm sure that I'm not the first person to think of this, but I'm proud of having dreamed it up, and I put it on the same level as Duane Allman's dreaming that Jimi Hendrix played "Little Martha" for him.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Things I've Still Never Seen


Could probably skateboard for five seconds without flaw.
  • A skateboarder go v seconds without screwing up.
  • A cat that doesn't come across as an asshole.
  • Two foxes at the same time.
  • A woodchuck with a fox.
  • A dead fox.
  • A baby fox.
  • A portrayal of a police lineup in the first xxx minutes of an episode of Law & Order that results in a positive identification of a suspect.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Crickets

I think the days of political figures' appearances on Saturday Night Live that are at all funny are over.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Rock 'n' Roll Thrived Until Humans Invaded Its Natural Habitat


More alive than Rock 'n' Roll
The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame inducts five artists per year. This year's inductees are:
  • The Dave Clark Five
  • Leonard Cohen
  • Madonna
  • John Mellencamp
  • The Ventures
Madonna and Mellencamp open the door for some really bad inductees. I'm starting to think that Bon Jovi and Britney have a shot.

It's deader than the dodo.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Semi-Pro

Semi-Pro is amazing because it follows a formula for 100% movie success:
  • Bad writing
  • Bad acting
  • Bad jokes
  • Tim Meadows
If you can combine those four things, you have made my kind of movie.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Red Stick Ramblers in NoHo

I saw the Red Stick Ramblers last night at Joe's Pub in NoHo. This was my fourth time seeing them (third time in New York), and it was their best show so far. It's nice to see a band and their new material actually be among their best (because nobody wants to see Aerosmith follow "Dream On" with "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing).

Made in the Shade is their best album, if you ask me. "Les Oiseaux Vont Chanter" is instantly one of my top v Rambler faves.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Woe Is Me, I Can See, Hicksville Stole My Damn ID


A legend dies.

So I'm in Hicksville, New York, this morning, waiting at the town's Long Island Railroad station for my friend to come pick me up and take me to where I'm supposedly working today, and while I wait, I stop inside the Kinko's next to the station, find somebody's discarded ExpressPay card and begin making enlarged copies of my legendary driver's licence (pictured left). As I'd finished spening the remaining xxvi¢ on the card, my friend arrived, and we were off. Unfortunately, I left my damn license on the glass of the copy machine. I called the Kinko's, but the dude on the phone said that he couldn't find it.

Now I have to get a New York ID. What a pile of horse crap; cops now will not be able to tell my weight (actually, cops now will not be able to tell what I told the DMV three years ago what my weight was).

And now for some sweet irony from October 16, 2004:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Magic City...of Liars

In the last months, I've met three people from Minot, North Dakota. Each time I've met a Minotian, I've said, "Oh, you're from Minot? I know Dale Brown."

Neither of the three has ever heard of Dale Brown. It is clear to me that these three people are lying about where they're from.

Monday, February 25, 2008

John Green Can't Win Them All


iiiiiiivFinal
ixxiiiviixxix
vii
xii
xix
xi
xlix

The greatest basketball coach of all time, John Green, could not lead his West Monroe Lady Rebels to victory over the Southwood Cowgirls in the Girls' Top XXVIII in Hammond tonight. Congratulations, nevertheless, on a great season.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Really? We're Doing THIS?


The only place this could be worse is in a courtroom.
I went to see Juno for the second time yesterday with some folks who hadn't seen it. Sure enough, the entire audience enjoyed the movie, and at the end, the audience gave it a standing ovation.

Gay.

That was only the second time in my life I've seen this. The first time was May 19, 1999, when Capitain Marc and I saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace at Tinseltown in West Monroe on opening night. The nerds applauded at the beginning of the movie.

I guess it's better to applaud at the end of Juno than at the beginning of Episode I, but still, what audience collectively decides to ovate a projection screen?

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Geaux to Hell!


The P.B.S. Pinchback of basketball coaches.
Congratulations to Butch Pierre, interim LSU Men's Basketball coach, for getting home win #1.

LXIX
XLIX


GTH!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Being Out in Yo Cold Gon' Give Me Skrep Froat

Dear Brooklyn,

It snowed like a bastard last night and today. Perhaps you should be introduced to these two items, you lazy-ass borough:



I'm trying to walk, dammit.

Sincerely,



xiv

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Toenail Crud

(I've always wondered this, but I've never had the courage to ask.)

When I clip my toenails, and I clip the big toenail, there's this big chunk of crud under the inner corner of it, and it smells kinda like cheese. Am I the only one who experiences this?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I've Found a Reason To Keep Livin'



I ate these for all three meals yesterday.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Meet the Spartans


Even the actors were distracted when insertion occurred.
Meet the Spartans is the worst movie of its kind. And its kind it the worst kind, sadly. I'm sad to say that it took me until I was xxvii to get it, but there are no jokes in movies like this--just references to current events and recent movies. I guess we're supposed to be fooled into thinking that these references are jokes because Hollywood has this crazy idea that the following are inherently funny:
  • Kevin Sorbo
  • Anachronistic use of cell phones in ancient times
  • Carmen Electra (but kudos to CE for knowing her place and not trying to do anything intelligent)
  • The cast of The Drew Carey Show
Meet the Spartans actually was an amazing experience, though. There were only four people in the theater: me, my lover, and a young couple down in front. During half the movie, the young couple down in front were deep in the throes of what appeared to be coitus.

I want to see Meet the Spartans again.