Lonesome Shepherd, a Decade Later

x years ago I wrote my first song. It was called "Lonesome Shepherd," which is the kind of title that sucks. The song isn't bad; I still play it now. The only problem is that it sounds a lot like this:

You have new Picture Mail!

What West Monroe Is All About

Congratulations to the producers of Varsity, Inc. for making the acting look bad in a reality show.

Christmas With a Capital C

How Sad Would a Porcelain Wigwam Be?

I had the saddest dream ever last night. Stephen LaVergne had died again, and I was at the funeral. As the pall bearers wheeled out the yellow casket, "Wigwam" by Bob Dylan played on the PA system.

That night, I went to bed, and I had a dream (a dream within a dream). In the dream, Stephen LaVergne had died, and I was at the funeral. As the pall bearers wheeled out the yellow casket, "Porcelain" by Better Than Ezra played on the PA system.

If you don't know "Wigwam," it's that Bob Dylan instrumental at the end of The Royal Tenenbaums. If you don't know "Porcelain," say a prayer of thanks.

Just to be clear about this, Stephen LaVergne died years ago in Michigan.

Would It Still Be Worth That Much?

Better like doo-doo money.

Back when the Saints were 0-4, I made a bet with Sunny Weathers. I bet him that the Saints would have a winning season; Sunny bet that the Saints would have a losing season. If the Saints went .500, it would be a tie bet or something.

The Saints have now won five of their last seven games, and they're 5-6. If the season ended now, I'd owe Sunny a cool $20. My fear is that I'll win the bet and receive a $20 bill in the mail covered in Sunny's seed. I fear it a bunch.

Conversely/Inversely, if the Saints have a losing season, and, therefore, I lose, there is nothing that can come out of my body that will not be touching the $20 bill that I mail Sunny.

Thanksgiving Tip #2

When your food causes the enamel on your teeth to dissolve, it's too spicy. Your digestive system will confirm this soon.

Thanksgiving Tip #1

Invite nothing but chicks over when you are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner. One out of six women absolutely loves doing dishes.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone

The Next Larry Bird; The Ballad of Nick Saban

The next Larry Bird.

On June 4, mcmxci, my 11th birthday, KNOE FM 101.9's Chuck Redden wished me an on-air happy birthday, calling me "The Next Larry Bird." He was right since I'm way better at basketball than Larry Bird ever was.

Redden's website doesn't make it clear where he is now or what exactly he does for a living, but one thing he does is song parodies; in fact his best year was mcmxci, when he covered the Louisiana gubernatorial race between David Duke, Edwin Edwards, and Buddy Roemer.

His latest is this one; it's pretty good.

Is It Day?

Yes, Beast. It is day.

I'm a heavy sleeper. I got in at about 6 this morning and crashed on the couch. The Beast awoke right before 10; it had overslept. It was half-asleep once awake, the Beast. It did not see the sun, and if it did, it did not realize its significance.

"Is it day?" the Beast yelled. "Is it day?" Now it was near my face, though I was unconscious. Its volcanic, Kowalskiesque bellowing did not awake me.

I finally woke up at about 3pm with most of my body weight rested on the "channel up" button on my remote control, so the channels presumably had been changing for almost nine hours.

ULMDKMSDMLAPCFMD?

It snowed a little this morning, and that's not cool. Last year it didn't snow until like, January.

Louisiana-Monroe beat Alabama Saturday, and Gump4Heisman has spoken.

Yogi Berra is very funny, but I believe that Art Donovan is funnier. Agree/Disagree?

Bravo, LSU Fans

I'll Even Videotape It

Criticize me. Hate me. Condemn me to hell. Label my sexuality as "homosexual." I don't care, guys. I don't care what you think. Why? Because tonight, I'll be masturbating constantly, and there will be one image in my head:

Varsity, Inc. Has Been Cancelled

There is no reason to live.

Earlier tonight West Monroe lost a home 2nd round playoff game to the Acadiana Rams, 19-14. The Rams kept the Rebels scoreless in the 2nd half en route to their big win.

West Monroe High School has cancelled the rest of the school year so that the Rebel football team can focus on raising their children; WMHS will be closed for renovations until Monday, August 11, mmviii.

I really thought God wanted us to win.

I Say Put Her Back in the Hole

Has been playing the 'I fell in a well' card for too long.

I was just thinking about Baby Jessica, and I wondered what she's done with her life since she was rescued from that well in Midland. Well, it turns out that all she's done is graduate high school, marry a convicted felon, and work part-time at a day-care. When she turns 25, she'll get a trust fund of over $M.

Congratulations, Midland Fire Department--you wasted two whole days saving her, and she didn't even try to go to college.

If you think I'm mean for this, screw you. This kid falls in a well and wins $M for it, the guy who saves her shoots himself ix years later after years of post-traumatic stress, and all she does is get married and pump out a baby? All she has to do now is make herself a MySpace page, enter her name as "~*I'm a Mommy!*~" and use a picture of the kid as her profile photo, and she will have attained all-time-great status as white trash.

So the next time you see a baby in a well, just let it go, man. It's not worth it.

Why Are All the Gangs White?

O what might have been....

95 76

I'm watching K-Ville for the first time ever right now (I recorded the most recent episode). I can tell you without using hyperbole that not only is this the greatest television program ever conceived, but it is the single greatest thing on earth. God, damn the writers' guild for striking just when this great program was commencing its meteoric ascent to Nielsen Ratings dominance.

(Actually, really, seriously, it's not bad.)

The Hornets are 7-2.

New Orleans 84, New Jersey 82

84 82

I got to check out the Hornets play the Nets in New Jersey last night. It was one of the best NBA games I'd ever seen. The Hornets were down by 11 with less than five minutes left, and then they outscored the Nets 16-3 in the final minutes to win. Chris Paul hit the game-winner with 2.6 ticks left. Here's a photo of the shot. Look at the official to the left of the goal. My head is directly above his.

Aging

I moved from Baton Rouge to New York on July 1, mmvi, and I've aged terribly since then. Just look at the difference:

July 1, mmvi	November 12, mmvii

God Damn the Stars 'n' Stripes Jacket II

Two days ago, I posted a few sections of the United States Flag Code and indicated where country music chigger Lee Greenwood blatantly violates it in his undeniably gay attempt to out-America us all, and guess who happened to do the halftime show at Tiger Stadium last night, six years to the day when he last did it?

Behold! The reason the world hates us!

AKA Tommy "Tiny" Lister

I found out yesterday that I get to go to the Hornets/Nets game at the Meadowlands arena, the place where SummerSlam '89 happened. That's right--Hulk Hogan & Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake vs. "Macho King" Randy Savage & Zeus!

Larry Bird Back

The Get Along Gang. Not Making It Up...As We Go Along. Of equal value, nonetheless.

Five years ago today, Making It Up ended. Anybody remember that one?

Today, I had a dream that I was in the Getalong Gang. My name was Asshole Armadillo. I got along with Rocco Rabbit and Zipper Cat, and occasionally Bingo Beaver (until I made fun of his fear of water), but Dottie Dog and Woolma Lamb really hated me.

Last night I injured my back, but I don't know how. Alls I know is my back really really hurts worse than it's ever hurt before. Somebody gave me some pain pills last night at Tommy Danger, and then all my friends told me to take a cab home and not the subway. I'm a stubborn ass, and I woke up on the subway at 6am with a hurting back. I got home at about 7 and didn't go to work.

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110		109

Spurs at Hornets tonight. First place in the Southwest is at stake, and everybody outside of Texas hates the Spurs. Here's my prediction:

Also five years ago today...

God Damn the Stars 'n' Stripes Jacket

§176. Respect for flag

No disrespect should be shown to the flag of the United States of America; the flag should not be dipped to any person or thing. Regimental colors, State flags, and organization or institutional flags are to be dipped as a mark of honor.

* (a) The flag should never be displayed with the union down, except as a signal of dire distress in instances of extreme danger to life or property.
* (b) The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise.
* (c) The flag should never be carried flat or horizontally, but always aloft and free.

Lee Greenwood, terrorist.

* (d) The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free. Bunting of blue, white, and red, always arranged with the blue above, the white in the middle, and the red below, should be used for covering a speaker's desk, draping the front of the platform, and for decoration in general.
* (e) The flag should never be fastened, displayed, used, or stored in such a manner as to permit it to be easily torn, soiled, or damaged in any way.
* (f) The flag should never be used as a covering for a ceiling.
* (g) The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature.
* (h) The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.
* (i) The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard. Advertising signs should not be fastened to a staff or halyard from which the flag is flown.
* (j) No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. However, a flag patch may be affixed to the uniform of military personnel, firemen, policemen, and members of patriotic organizations. The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing. Therefore, the lapel flag pin being a replica, should be worn on the left lapel near the heart.
* (k) The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.

Adam Wilson's Louisiana Cuisine II

Add bread.

Being a twentysomething in New York means you can eat creative things for dinner, like my signature Grey Poupon Sandwich.

Today I had a bad hair day. I know, I know--every day is a bad hair day for me. But damn, it was really really bad today. It looked really stringy and nasty. I looked really bad today. And my face looked bad today too. I think that's probably worse than a bad hair day--a hat can be a quick fix for that.

@

But a bad face day? I don't wear make-up, so the only thing I can do to fix a bad face day is grow a beard, and that takes longer than a day to grow.

K-Ville is playing at Portland tonight. I love this team!

Adam Wilson's Louisiana Cuisine

Keeps me virile.

Being a twentysomething dumb ass in New York is great. You get to ask your roommates things like:

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118		104

What do you think I should eat for supper tonight: peanut butter 'n' jelly, popcorn, or Easy Mac?

I eat only the best food there is. And I think I might have worms.

I'm watching Hornets and Lakers right now; these boys look good!

Because They Literally Can't Fit in Between Us (a dialogue)

	Hey, Chesslee.
	Hey, Adam. Thanks for hitting the town with me tonight. Man, I can't wait to get my hands on some labe!
	Definitely. The only thing I like doing more than scaring up some tail is scaring up said tail with a great friend like you.
	I agree, completely. Man, we're pals!
	Friends 'til the end!
	Through thick and thin!
	Not a thing could come between us. Not even a woman. Impossible!
	Impossible? I don't know, some of these women in the City are pretty good-lookin'.
	Yeah, but think about it. We're like the Odd Couple. The kind of girl who'd fall for you would never fall for a guy like me, and the kind of girl who'd fall for me would never fall for a guy like you.
	Well, not that it matters anyway.
	What do you mean?
	You're into fat chicks.
	Faggot.

My Voice Is Gone

I usually watch Saints games with these guys

Just when I thought I'd grown up and matured a little, I have now gone completely hoarse from watching football (and basketball) on tv. Thanks to the Hornets, Tigers, and Saints for making this one unforgettable (and unspeakable) weekend.

And hey, folks--grab the Hornets widget before they move to Las Vegas or Seattle! Hurry, dammit!

Nevermind--take your time. There's no way America's team leaves New Orleans. Ever.

There Really Is a God

Anchors a-weigh! Navy beats Notre Dame for the first time since the Beatles first came to America.

I lived to see Halley's Comet, and I was slightly impressed. I lived to see the Red Sox win the World Series; I didn't really care. I lived to see the White Sox win the World Series; I cared a little less. I lived to see the Saints win a playoff game, and then another; even with the Saints' history of futility, it seemed inevitable. I lived to see LSU win a football national title; I was there, and it was pretty great.

But I never thought I'd see Navy beat Notre Dame. Way to go, Middies!

The beauty of it all is, I got it on tape. I'll be damned if Navy is gonna beat Notre Dame and I'm not getting it on tape.

In other news, Alabama might as well be picking cotton in Baton Rouge because LSU owns them. Seven out of the last eight, Gump faggots. Adam Bruce Hose, go chomp on a weiner.

Did you watch the game? It was cool to see the CBS crew show those whores wearing those houndstooth fedoras. Good old-fashioned, dried-out, scabbed-up, Grade-A Alabama whores.

I got this one on tape, too. I set my DV-R to tape the scheduled broadcast plus an hour afterwards, and it still wasn't enough. Extra special thanks to the Beast, who improvised by recording "CSI" (ie, the final five minutes of the game).

(There have been 28 games between LSU and Alabama since I've been born. The home team is 7-20-1 in those games.)

That's it, folks. I'm off to bed. Of course, I'll be listening to Country Memories by Jim Hawthorne. Take it away, Jim!

On the Rocks

You learn something every day. For example, today, my 10,013th day on earth, I learned that when you order a drink "on the rocks," you're ordering a drink with ice. I never knew what "on the rocks" meant, nor did I ever ask anyone what it meant.

This Should Be Rearry Fun

Only in New York.

I met a Chinese guy yesterday, and we talked for a while. When I had to go, he gave me his card and offered me a free ride on his rickshaw. "I'm a ricensed rickshaw driver," he said. I didn't know you had to have a license to pull one of those.

Dude! Free rickshaw ride!