Saturday, December 8, 2007

Finally! Across the Universe, the Review

So I've seen Across the Universe twice't, each time with a mega-hot babe, and here's my long-awaited review with help from my friend Beau. Neither one of us found the actual plot of the story particularly interesting (nor were we actually planning on paying attention to it), so we are reviewing nothing but the music. Enjoy!

Song Adam Beau
1."Girl" Pretty good.Pretty good.
2."Helter Skelter" Shit. Pure shit.Shit. Pure shit.
3. "Hold Me Tight"Better than the Beatles' version, actually. I liked this one and the way it was presented. Not so much, no.
4. "All My Loving"Not very enjoyable.A fucking travesty. I hated that. They took my favorite early Beatles song and fucked it.
5."I Want To Hold Your Hand"A good idea gone wrong with arbitrary, gratuitous lesbianism.Clever at first but then turned into vomit-inducing shit.
6."With a Little Help From My Friends"Dumb. Gay. Absolutely the gayest thing I've ever seen. Gayer than two dudes sucking off two other duces while secretly getting pounded in the ass.
7. "It Won't Be Long" Best song in the movie. Evan Wood really captured something special here.Yeah, I don't really have a bunch of huge gripes against this one.
8. "I've Just Seen a Face" Probably the 2nd best song in the movie. Probably the 2nd best song in the movie.
9."Let It Be" Worst PSA for Detroit I've ever seen. "Go yo' ass to Church's!" (Inside joke)
10."Come Together" Congratulations to Joe Cocker, who has now sung every song on Abbey Road.If I wanted to see Joel (sic) Cocker do anything, it would be die.
11."Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"Horrible song, horrible character, horrible impression of Janis Joplin. Horrible. If I wanted to see Janis Joplin sing this one...You know what? Just write "crap."
12. "If I Fell"I wish someone had harmonized with Evan on this one. Underwhelming. Didn't think I could hate it more than when the Beatles did it, but then I was proven wrong. Thanks, movie.
13."I Want You (She's So Heavy)"Liked the Uncle Sam imagery, and I thought the US Army carrying the Statue of Liberty across a jungle was a good choice.Pretty gay. Not as gay as "With a Little Help From my Friends," but still gay. I would say as gay as a dude taking a cumshot.
14."Dear Prudence" There's such a thing as taking a song too literally. And there's such a thing as sucking really bad. Across the Universe's presentation of this song does both. While watching this scene, I envisioned myself as Prudence. Toward the end of the song, I would burst from the closet and jump out of the nearest window to my death, doing the world a favor.
15. "Flying"Forgettable. Really? They played that one?
16."Blue Jay Way" Lame.Lame.
17."I Am the Walrus" Lame.Bono sucks. And yeah. Just Bono sucks.
18. "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!" Well done, Eddie Izzard. Excellent. A+ to Eddie Izzard.
19. "Because"Zzz Utterly forgettable.
20."Something" ZzzThis movie sucked so much that they somehow made a woman's left breast uninteresting.
21."Oh! Darling" I hate her voice. Ugh! If I wanted to watch a movie about a band breaking up, I'd watch The Doors.
22. "Strawberry Fields Forever" Ok.Somewhere around that part of the movie, I just gave up trying to like it. This was that point.
23. "Revolution"Gay.I wish I had pictures of Chairman Mao just so some asshole could tear them down.
24. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"Dumb. At this point, I was just hoping the movie would end.
25. "Across the Universe"Ehh. Ehh.
26. "Happiness Is a Warm Gun" Five Salma Hayeks: Excellent choice. Could have used more Salma Hayek.
27."A Day in the Life" Liked that it was instrumental. And I liked when the newspaper exploded.Fuck that. I'm fuming with anger over that.
28. "Blackbird"So much sucking = audience fatigue.Lame song to begin with.
29."Hey Jude"I've always hated this song. That song is so played out that I can't think of a cogent way to insult it. It insults all six of my senses, the sixth being an innate ability to tell when oranges have gone bad.
30."Don't Let Me Down" Someone please kill Dana Fuchs. Sorry. You did. Please try again.
31."All You Need Is Love" I hate love because of this damn song.
I wish those cops would have just cracked those bitches in the face.
32."She Loves You" Huh?
They're counting that as an extra song? It's just part of "All You Need Is Love." Clearly they wanted to have 33 songs for some Jesus-based agenda.
33."Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" How in the hell can you be from Ireland and be so repulsive? I know--be Bono.
I fucking hate that song. To me, that doesn't even count as a Beatles song. It just counts as a Black Crowes Song.

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