Monday, December 31, 2007

Bama Is Back!

2006

Head Coach

Mike Shula

Salary

$1,550,000

Overall Record

6-7

Southeastern Conference Record

2-6

9th SEC

4th SEC West
Date

Opponent

PF PA

Location

9-2-06 Hawaii 25 17 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
9-9-06 Vanderbilt 13 10 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
9-16-06 Louisiana-Monroe 41 7 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
9-23-06 @ Arkansas 23 24 2OT Fayetteville, Arkansas
9-30-06 @ Florida 13 28 Gainesville, Florida
10-7-06 Duke 30 14 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
10-14-06 Mississippi 26 23 OT Tuscaloosa, Alabama
10-21-06 @ Tennessee 13 16 Knoxville, Tennessee
10-28-06 Florida International 38 3 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
11-4-06 Mississippi State 16 24 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
11-11-06 @ Louisiana State 14 28 Baton Rouge, Louisiana
11-18-06 Auburn 15 22 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
12-28-06 Oklahoma State 31 24 Shreveport, Louisiana Independence Bowl

 

2007

Head Coach

Nick Saban

Salary

$4,000,000

Overall Record

7-6

Southeastern Conference Record

4-4

8th SEC

5th SEC West
Date

Opponent

PF PA

Location

9-1-07 Western California 25 17 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
9-8-07 @ Vanderbilt 13 10 Nashville, Tennessee
9-15-07 Arkansas 41 7 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
9-22-07   Georgia 23 24 2OT Tuscaloosa, Alabama
9-29-07   Florida State 13 28 Jacksonville, Florida
10-6-07 Houston 30 14 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
10-13-07 @ Mississippi 26 23 OT Oxford, Mississippi
10-20-07   Tennessee 13 16 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
11-3-07 Louisiana State 38 3 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
11-10-07 @ Mississippi State 16 24 Starkville, Mississippi
11-17-07   Louisiana-Monroe 14 28 Tuscaloosa, Alabama
11-24-07 @ Auburn 15 22 Auburn, Alabama
12-30-07 Colorado 31 24 Shreveport, Louisiana Independence Bowl
Money well spent, Bama.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Hopefully This Is the Beginning of a New Musical Revolution

Last night I went to a lounge on the Lower East Side to check out a bluegrass band called The Lonesome Trio (and another called All Night Cookin'). It was cool to find out that the guitarist was Ed Helms of The Daily Show and The Office. I assume that every out-of-work-because-of-the-writers'-strike actor in the world is in a bluegrass band, so keep up the good not work, writers!

While it was good to take a picture of my friends with Helms (and the bassist, who is not Conan O'Brien),



and then an even better picture taken with me and him,



there was nothing that compared my meeting legendary banjoist and founder of The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, John McEuen:



I'd sell my soul to the mother of Satan to have hair like that at the age of lxi.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Pfft

Vanilla ice cream, eggs, green beans, pork 'n' beans...

And now protein bars.

You know, just in case I want to be the joker at the party, if you know what I mean. I was cropdusting all day today!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Sarah Joyce Bennett, Santa Claus

Thanks to Sarah for the Christmas present!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Матери Луизиана 2

Вчера я объявил работников Нью-Йорка о том, что Тереза Ширли Майос, Славные Матери Луизиана, будет править Америке, и в скором времени!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Матери Луизиана

Я не голосовать, потому что я был коммунистом, но в 2012 году я бы голосовал за Тереза Ширли Майос; она станет правителем Луизиане.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Feliz Navidad

I hope your Christmas dinner was good. I know mine was.

Monday, December 24, 2007

A Texas-shaped Belt Buckle Isn't Good Enough?


Texas.
Someone I know who is underage called me a couple days ago and said, "Hey man. I got a tattoo of the state of Texas." I replied, "I heard you say something, but it sounded a lot like, 'I got a tattoo of my boyfriend's penis on my penis, and I really love sucking balls.'"

This is just one more reason to hate Texas. Texans will tell you, "You know, Texas used to be its own country. Well guess what, fags? So did Louisiana from January 26, 1861 (when it seceded), to February 8, 1861 (when it became one of the first six Confederate states). The same can be said for Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Mississippi, Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Virginia.

And extra special thanks goes to the Texas Longhorns football team for wearing those white pants because I love being able to see all your jock straps.

The Texas. The.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus

I had a poster of Max Headroom back in the 80's when I lived in Shreveport. If I still had a poster of Max Headroom now, it would be the most ironically cool thing possible, but it would clash with the velvet Elvis. And I think I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because Max Headroom scares me now.


Saturday, December 22, 2007

Good Job, Jack

The days are longer than the nights now. I survived the fall (even though Jillian didn't). This likely will be the coldest of the xxviii winters I've seen.

Since the year is pretty much over, so here's the #1 album of mmvii:

Friday, December 21, 2007

My Evening in Trochaic Tetrameter

I was eating macaroni
With some jalapeño peppers
And some Tiger Sauce and Tony's;
Such a meal was fit for lepers.
Feeling slight digestive troubles,
Starting their safari through me
(Lo, the pains of gastric bubbles
Have a purpose not to coo me!).
It was with a start and hurry
And a mental state distorted
I gave not a cause to worry
That from in me I exported.
At an hour and a minute
I was humbly at the service
At my gut and what was in it
But I wasn't feeling nervous

For it isn't too abnormal
For a problem with digestion
To appear as too informal
To the toilet here in question.
This attack in me was vicious
But my faith in me was strengthened
By beliefs so superstitious
That defense in me is lengthened.
There was never any doubting
Or a death to my believing
That this fell postanal spouting
Caused intestinal rerouting.
I apologize if this is
Such a vision uninviting.
So I wish upon you kisses
With my anal underwriting.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

My Afternoon in Dactylic Tetrameter

I was awake in the afternoon yesterday;
Work was a bore and I wished I was home again,
Playing guitar or just browsing the interney
Chatting with Sarah, or Beast, or Guillaume again.
There is no cause for my mental disharmony,
Nor is there reason for me to live merrily.
Try'ng to win over you folks with my charmony,
Is how I show I'm not dumb temporarily.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

My Morning in Anapestic Tetrameter

Well I woke up this morning at six thirty-five,
And I had me some breakfast--a Pop Tart or two.
I watched VH1 Classic; the Allmans were on,
Playing "Whipping Post" live with a drummer or two.

Right at seven o'clock I hopped into the bath
Where I farted fart bubbles and sang to the air.
I sang "Strange Brew" by Cream as the Dial bathed my scrote;
Then I dried off and fumbled for something to wear.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I Don't Think It Turned Out Too Well

Ten years ago right now Chris Farley was doing a lot of coke with a hooker.




I figured this would be more fun than showing you pictures of Chris Farley's dead body. I think this is a 'possum.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Back Story


Not my back.
My back isn't that hairy, but there's like four distinct hairs that I just know are there. I've been trying for years to reach them and pluck them, and they just keep not getting plucked because I can't quite get to them.

Meanwhile, the radius of the patch of hair on my left shoulder has increased by half an inch over the last year. (I remember watching Wayne's World 2, and when Wayne said, "Lately, I've been getting hair in really weird places," I just assumed he was talking about his balls because I was like 13 at the time, but now I think he was talking about his shoulders.)

I have nightmares now that my head will look like Brian Eno's.


Sunday, December 16, 2007

Don't Touch Anything


Breakfast, brunch, and maybe lunch.
I saw a family of four fat white tourists walking down into the subway. It was a husband (wearing a sweatshirt bearing the logo of his favorite college sports team so as to avoid the inconvenience of millions of New Yorkers approaching him and asking where he was from), wife, and two boys under the age of ten, each wearing an "I♥NY" shirt.

As the foursome walked down the stairs into the station, one of the boys put his hand on the handrail so he didn't slip--some of the steps were icy. The fat guy dad yelled, "Don't touch anything!" He used the same kind of urgency that a veteran astronaut would use when telling a rookie astronaut not to touch the red button--you know, the one that makes bad stuff happen.

I hope that family goes back home to the Midwest soon, and I hope the dad gets hepatitis.

I like Pop Tarts when they have the candy on them.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Underwater Rasslin' Names: America's Fastest-Growing Underwater Sensation


Watch out for the Flying Oararm.
Here's some more:
  • Tito Santuna
  • Tito Clamtana
  • Tito Mantana
  • "Superflyingfish" Jimmy Snuka
  • Shark and Mackerel, the Road Walruses (Sunny did this one and it sucks)
  • Kriller Khan
  • Moby Dick the Bruiser
  • Irwin Gar Schyster

xiv's Easy-Mac Explosion:

Ingredients:
  • Easy-Mac
  • Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning
  • Tiger Sauce
  • 4 jalapeño peppers

Friday, December 14, 2007

In the Same City? I'll Be Danged.

It was the dangedest thing yesterday.

HarlemGreenwich Village


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

No Sweet Baby Ray's Tonight

I was going to the kitchen to get a couple of slices of white bread so I could dip them into barbecue sauce, but it turns out that a mouse ate some of the bread, so I don't want it anymore.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Maybe It's Because I'm Lactose Intolerant

I had a milkshake from Junior's today, and it gave me the worst tummy-ache I've ever had. It still hurts; I have to lie down in the fetal posish constantly.

A friend of mine told me today that I should start moisturizing my face skin so I can age more gracefully. My response: why moisturize when you can look like this:


Monday, December 10, 2007

I Came Upon a Child of God

I'm watching Woodstock right now on VH1 Classic, my favorite non-sports-related cable channel.

Woodstock was a great festival because 300,000 people got together and listened to really crappy music (Only Crosby, Stills & Nash, The Band, and Jimi Hendrix avoided sucking) for three whole days without rioting.

You know that improvised Richie Havens jam where he just sings "Freedom" over and over again? Try listening to that twice in a row and not killing yourself. It's humanly impossible.


Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Urnge Bowl


That guy blinked.
I'm watching the 1983 Orange Bowl while NyQuil kills me for the night. The 1982 season ruled because West Monroe's Jerry Stovall was national Coach of the Year in college football.

The great thing about the 1983 Orange Bowl was that it took place on the very day my sister was conceived.

I really hope the Tigers pull this one out.

Something tells me, however, that they won't.

Happy Birthday, Beast.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Finally! Across the Universe, the Review

So I've seen Across the Universe twice't, each time with a mega-hot babe, and here's my long-awaited review with help from my friend Beau. Neither one of us found the actual plot of the story particularly interesting (nor were we actually planning on paying attention to it), so we are reviewing nothing but the music. Enjoy!


Song Adam Beau
1."Girl" Pretty good.Pretty good.
2."Helter Skelter" Shit. Pure shit.Shit. Pure shit.
3. "Hold Me Tight"Better than the Beatles' version, actually. I liked this one and the way it was presented. Not so much, no.
4. "All My Loving"Not very enjoyable.A fucking travesty. I hated that. They took my favorite early Beatles song and fucked it.
5."I Want To Hold Your Hand"A good idea gone wrong with arbitrary, gratuitous lesbianism.Clever at first but then turned into vomit-inducing shit.
6."With a Little Help From My Friends"Dumb. Gay. Absolutely the gayest thing I've ever seen. Gayer than two dudes sucking off two other duces while secretly getting pounded in the ass.
7. "It Won't Be Long" Best song in the movie. Evan Wood really captured something special here.Yeah, I don't really have a bunch of huge gripes against this one.
8. "I've Just Seen a Face" Probably the 2nd best song in the movie. Probably the 2nd best song in the movie.
9."Let It Be" Worst PSA for Detroit I've ever seen. "Go yo' ass to Church's!" (Inside joke)
10."Come Together" Congratulations to Joe Cocker, who has now sung every song on Abbey Road.If I wanted to see Joel (sic) Cocker do anything, it would be die.
11."Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"Horrible song, horrible character, horrible impression of Janis Joplin. Horrible. If I wanted to see Janis Joplin sing this one...You know what? Just write "crap."
12. "If I Fell"I wish someone had harmonized with Evan on this one. Underwhelming. Didn't think I could hate it more than when the Beatles did it, but then I was proven wrong. Thanks, movie.
13."I Want You (She's So Heavy)"Liked the Uncle Sam imagery, and I thought the US Army carrying the Statue of Liberty across a jungle was a good choice.Pretty gay. Not as gay as "With a Little Help From my Friends," but still gay. I would say as gay as a dude taking a cumshot.
14."Dear Prudence" There's such a thing as taking a song too literally. And there's such a thing as sucking really bad. Across the Universe's presentation of this song does both. While watching this scene, I envisioned myself as Prudence. Toward the end of the song, I would burst from the closet and jump out of the nearest window to my death, doing the world a favor.
15. "Flying"Forgettable. Really? They played that one?
16."Blue Jay Way" Lame.Lame.
17."I Am the Walrus" Lame.Bono sucks. And yeah. Just Bono sucks.
18. "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!" Well done, Eddie Izzard. Excellent. A+ to Eddie Izzard.
19. "Because"Zzz Utterly forgettable.
20."Something" ZzzThis movie sucked so much that they somehow made a woman's left breast uninteresting.
21."Oh! Darling" I hate her voice. Ugh! If I wanted to watch a movie about a band breaking up, I'd watch The Doors.
22. "Strawberry Fields Forever" Ok.Somewhere around that part of the movie, I just gave up trying to like it. This was that point.
23. "Revolution"Gay.I wish I had pictures of Chairman Mao just so some asshole could tear them down.
24. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"Dumb. At this point, I was just hoping the movie would end.
25. "Across the Universe"Ehh. Ehh.
26. "Happiness Is a Warm Gun" Five Salma Hayeks: Excellent choice. Could have used more Salma Hayek.
27."A Day in the Life" Liked that it was instrumental. And I liked when the newspaper exploded.Fuck that. I'm fuming with anger over that.
28. "Blackbird"So much sucking = audience fatigue.Lame song to begin with.
29."Hey Jude"I've always hated this song. That song is so played out that I can't think of a cogent way to insult it. It insults all six of my senses, the sixth being an innate ability to tell when oranges have gone bad.
30."Don't Let Me Down" Someone please kill Dana Fuchs. Sorry. You did. Please try again.
31."All You Need Is Love" I hate love because of this damn song.
I wish those cops would have just cracked those bitches in the face.
32."She Loves You" Huh?
They're counting that as an extra song? It's just part of "All You Need Is Love." Clearly they wanted to have 33 songs for some Jesus-based agenda.
33."Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" How in the hell can you be from Ireland and be so repulsive? I know--be Bono.
I fucking hate that song. To me, that doesn't even count as a Beatles song. It just counts as a Black Crowes Song.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Cuisine and Health Tips


Still the best.
For a tasty snack, squirt some Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce onto a small plate, and dip slices of white bread into it. Mmm.

For explosive diarrhea, squirt some Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce onto a small plate, and dip slices of white breat into it. Mmm.

Congratulations to Rob and Beven Ray, who have conceived thier first child. The fetus is roughly the size of a quarter, and its penis is the size of a beach ball.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Jillian: mmv-mmvii

Jillian, my ukule, broke. The bridge popped off. I hope to go Lazarus on it--er, her with some wood glue later tonight. But to see a musical instrument break is traumatic. I'm not Pete Townshend; I can't break them intentionally to impress little fags. I'm not Eric Clapton; I don't have thousands of guitars to auction off. I'm not Henry VIII; I haven't had sex with so many musical instruments that I can cut their heads off when they don't bear babies with penes.

Pretend that you really really love turtles, and then look at the picture below. Then, you may sympathize with me.


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Real Cardiac

I'm watching Queen on Fire: Live at the Bowl with a couple of babes. Here's my top xiv Queen tunes right now.

iCrazy Little Thing Called Love
iiUnder Pressure
iiiSweet Lady
ivThe Fairy Feller's Master-Stroke
v
Play the Game
viBohemian Rhapsody
viiWhite Queen (As It Began)
viiiNevermore
ixLet Me Entertain You
x
Life Is Real (Song for Lennon)
xi'39
xiiDreamer's Ball
xiiiGreat King Rat
xivThe March of the Black Queen

Monday, December 3, 2007

Across the Universe

I saw Across the Universe last night for the second time (with a chick who wouldn't shut up--at all). I have an amazing review of it, but I don't have that much time right now, so here are my top xiv Beatle tunes right now:

iWhile My Guitar Gently Weeps
iiDon't Let Me Down
iiiHere Comes the Sun
ivStrawberry Fields Forever
v
Ticket To Ride
viRevolution 1
viiIf I Fell
viiiAll My Loving
ixI've Just Seen a Face
x
Something
xiTell Me What You See
xiiI Want To Hold Your Hand
xiiiYou Won't See Me
xivEleanor Rigby

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Saturday, December 1, 2007

SEC Championship Game Day

Today is the SEC Championship Game. LSU plays Tennessee. If LSU wins, it will be the first time I will have been sober when LSU wins the title game. I'm really excited.

Don't worry, my male friends. If and when LSU wins, I'll still tell each and every one of you that I love you.

Now get psyched.