Thursday, October 11, 2007

Knick Moore Roasting on an Open Fire

The most pretentious non-Jim Morrison photo ever taken
The new tighty whiteys fit like a pair of Brett Favre's Wranglers. I have to take a shower because I smell like dead butt, but I don't want to take my Fruit of the Looms (or is it Fruits of the Loom?) off.

Hey, tonight is the roast for Knick Moore, who's getting married to a hot piece of tail named Carole (I love that she has an "e" at the end of her name, for rock snob reasons). I'm not going to be at the roast because I live over 1,300 miles away, but here's a couple of things I might say if I were there:
  • Knick works at a zoo. Hey Knick, ever think of anything about animals that's not funny and not put it into your act?
  • Look who's here. An angry white guy with a shaved head. He's been a fixture on the Baton Rouge comedy scene since 2004. Always a funny t-shirt on this guy. Loves to drink Jägermeister. Yells a lot and has anger management issues. Of course we all know his name--Dana Gould.
  • So Knick and Carole are getting married. That means that right now you're what we call engaged. I used to be engaged once. I was engaged to a bitch, I tell you. This bitch would never shut up, she wasn't funny, she was annoying, and the sex was terrible, and now she's married to a guy who I've been told has a really small penis. I'm really glad that Jeremy White and I broke up.
  • That reminds me--Carole, how can you have sex with Knick? His penis is smaller than Edie's, and your vagina is bigger than Michael Honoré's dickhole.
  • Ambera Dodson, it's because of you I pray to God every night. I pray, "God, please let me be Ambera Dodson's jock strap."
  • I hear that Heath Tullier is creating a portrait of Carole for the wedding album. This is really good news for everyone who has wondered what Carole would look like as a character in Halo 3.
  • Look, I'd stay here all night, but I gotta go ask Seth whose jokes we stole so I know who to not book for an opening set at Mr. Gatti's Sunday night after the Saints game.

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