Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Trinkentrinkin'

It's Halloween. Here's my Halloween costume history:
YearLocationCostumeNotes
1980West Monroe, LouisianaNoneI was only 0 at the time. Too young to Trick or Treat.
1981Monroe, LouisianaNoneToo young, said the parents.
1982Farmerville, LouisianaSatanIn only a year, I went from being too young to even Trick or Treat at all to being the one true Prince of Darkness.
1983Monroe, LouisianaClownWorse than Satan.
1984Monroe, LouisianaInspector GadgetMy only trick-or-treating that transpired entirely in a trailer park.
1985Amarillo, TexasSpider-ManHad to wear a coat over my costume because it was cold.
1986Amarillo, TexasOptimus PrimeCoat again. Lame.
1987Shreveport, LouisianaAmerican Fighting ManBasically I wore a camouflage shirt and painted my face green. It was kind of a n*****-rigged G.I. Joe.
1988Shreveport, LouisianaSpace AlienTrash bag, glitter, and last year's leftover green face paint.
1989Scott Depot, West VirginiaFrankensteinInspired by Kevin McHale
1990West Monroe, LouisianaDraculaI wanted to wear a cape but I thought that Superman was too gay. Shows what I know.
1991West Monroe, LouisianaFrankensteinInspired by Bram Stoker
1992West Monroe, LouisianaHulk Hogan9" pythons.
1993West Monroe, LouisianaLarry BirdPut on a jersey, grab candy. Deal.
1994West Monroe, LouisianaCrazy Big-Eyed Man, Crazy Pickle Moustache, Crazy Backwards Man, About-to-Sneeze Guy, Crazy One-Armed Man, Crazy Alarm-Clock FaceInspired by Adam Sandler
1995West Monroe, LouisianaDan MajerleThis was the Dan Majerle from D
1996Rocky Branch, LouisianaThe kind of Christian who is convinced that any acknowledgement of Halloween is inherently evil and should be avoided at all costs.Oh, the Assemblies of God. I gotta hand it to you--you taught me how to rock.
1997West Monroe, LouisianaProstituteI shaved my legs and wore fish nets.
1998Baton Rouge, LouisianaMexicanI found out who Ron Jeremy was this night--Ben Guidry dressed as him.
1999Baton Rouge, LouisianaPayne StewartThis was like three days after Payne Stewart died in a plane crash. I think this wins the award for most tasteless costume in my life.
2000Baton Rouge, LouisianaAlice CooperI'm glad I took that stage make-up class; I nailed the face-paint job on this one.
2001Baton Rouge, LouisianaA guy wearing nothing but briefsShrinkage.
2002Baton Rouge, LouisianaA drunker, fatter version of my normal self.Miserable. Just miserable.
2003Baton Rouge, LouisianaStrawberry ShortcakeI hosted a comedy show that night in costume. "Surprisingly easy to masturbate to."--Sunny Weathers
2004Baton Rouge, LouisianaHe-ManPrince Adam. Get it?
2005Baton Rouge, LouisianaGuy who worked at Kinko's$
2006New York, New YorkOut-of-townerBut hey, I met Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley in the Village.
2007New York, New YorkBloggerPretty much the same costume as 2001.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Confidence

I'll never forget the first time I heard the word confidence. It was July 8, 1991, in the Pete Maravich Assembly Center. It was "Lecture Hour" at the Dale Brown Basketball Camp. Coach Brown told us, "Confidence is everything. You can't do a damn thing with yourself if you're not confident. Look at this basketball in my hand. See that basket over there?" There was a basketball goal about 30 feet from him, and the hydraulic lift had not been applied, so the rim was about three feet from the ground. Coach Brown lackadaisically threw the ball in the air, and sure enough, the ball hit nothing but net.

It was a defining moment in my life, and though I've not played a minute of organized basketball for over ten years, it's stuck with me to this day.


Monday, October 29, 2007

Breakfast of Adam

Insomnia

On a bad day, i might need a rock star drink to get me through. On a really bad day, two. Today i'm going for three.

Divine Interventions


It's only a matter of time before Hasbro and Mattel release their cheap knock-offs.
Let's play The Pyramid:
  • God's Immaculate Rod
  • Master and Slave
  • Diving Nun
  • Virgin Mary
  • Baby Jesus Buttplug
  • Jackhammer Jesus
  • Moses
  • The Devil
  • Buddha's Delight
  • Grim Reaper
  • Judas
If you said, "Reasons we as a country are headed straight to hell," you are correct.

We would have also accepted Superhits: the Best of Judas Priest.

Click here for more info. I'd slap a proverbial "Mature audiences only" label on this request, but no mature person would ever look at this.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

A Pretty Good "I Was There" Story


The former site of some really nasty, adulterous, turn-of-the century sex. Back when you'd put on a Joplin 78 and get it on for a minute and a half
So at about 7pm last night I went to Mercury Bar in Kips Bay to talk smack with my Kentucky friend whom I hadn't seen since he left for Lexington to see UK beat LSU. Then I left right before 8 and walked over to the Flatiron district, where I was in Drunken Focus Group, a show produced by my pal Charlie in a pub called Limericks.

But as I neared Madison Square, I saw more fire trucks than I'd ever seen. A building on W 24th that actually touches Limericks (W 23rd) collapsed.

It smelled really bad outside at the time, so we were all (there were other people outside, by the way, because it's New York), thinking that maybe somebody set off a doo doo bomb. "Eyewitnesses" were telling news reporters that they saw the "explosion" and that people were running out of the building. Those "eyewitnesses" then tried to sell me a $10 pair of authentic Jordans.

And this, my friends, is--you guessed it--another photo of the exact same building.

But it turns out that it was just a building that collapsed on its own. Thankfully, the building was vacant. And it turns out that the building has a bit of history.

The building was built in 1901, and like five years later, this guy (the guy who designed the arch in Washington Square) was killed in this kinky love triangle sex murder that ended up inspiring that 1981 movie Ragtime.

GD was at the show. Afterwards, we met some tail that claimed to be 18. The older, and therefore, creepier, I get, the more of a smile that kind of thing puts on my face. But GD and I had business to which to attend, like not going to jail and being forced to have amazing sex with each other.

We ended up trotting over to Black Bear to see Belle and to see some of the costumes. The winners: the guy and the girl who dressed up as Double Dare contestants, complete with goggles, knee pads on the elbows, and bicycle helmets for the physical challenge.

Friday, October 26, 2007

You Used To Have To Pay for This


Cheap labe for free!
To the right is a picture of the bathroom building at Bryant Park, on the south side of W 42nd St, between 5th and 6th Avenues in Manhattan.

I am fairly certain that a man is in charge of this bathroom's management, because you can see women peeing through the elliptical window.

And to think, you used to have to pay a quarter to see that kind of thing in this city.

Click the picture if you're lonely and want to see a bigger version of it. You can almost imagine that it's totally hot.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Governors of Louisiana

Statehood, 1812-1861



Confederacy, 1861-1865



Military Governers During the American Civil War




Reconstruction, 1865-1877



Statehood, 1877-Present