Friday, August 31, 2007

The Hurt I Suffered nor All the Pain I Rise Above


Can you imagine this naked? Can you imagine living a life where you can't not imagine this naked?
I was on the subway, and an old fat lady looking not unlike Pee Wee's Big Adventure's Large Marge with a cane and lots of perfume sat next to me, and she began reading her mail. I'm a nosy bastard, so I read it, too. The first letter that she began to read
Dear Josie,

Thank you for the photos, and especially for the nudes. Who wouldn't want to see a beautiful woman naked?
I threw up a little in my mouth, and in fact, there is still a piece of the semi-vomit stuck to my uvula, and it reminds me of how truly weak we are.

There's a lyric in "Idiot Wind" by Bob Dylan that goes:
You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor all the pain I rise above
And I'll never know the same about you, your holiness, or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry

If ever I were to say those words to another person, the "hurt I suffered" would include this very experience on the subway. It may be the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

My adidas

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Mike VI or Ditka?

Mike VI


Regular Ditka
LSU won. I'm nearly completing move number xl tomorrow.

I sent a bunch of friends a text message asking, "Who would win in a cage match: MIke VI...or Ditka?" I got about 15 replies, 10 of which were "Regular Ditka or mini Ditka?"

Hammer added, "Ditka via carotid bite."

Sex in a Can said, "Ditka would eat Mike VI and crap out Mike VII!"

Bubba Deigo quipped, "Stalemate. And hey, if you're getting the ULM/Tulsa game on ESPN2, the black announcer sounds just like Tim Meadows."

Stallion's was the best, however: "Mike VI. Home field advantage. It's a cage match."

Stallion wins. Geaux Tigers.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

David Duke Had To Spoil the Fun


Hates blacks, ruins blogs, hates blacks
I blogged my encounter with a Times Square prostitute in the form of one of those stupid dialogue blog entries that I've been doing, and I thought it would be funny if I fabricated David Duke calling me on my phone and having a conversation with me about how much we hate black people. I figured, hey, what a funny joke, but reading it made me cringe. So I deleted it for fear of appearing truly racist (soon I will be a Harlemite). Sure, I could have edited it, but you can't be too careful with those people.

When I think about Duke on this the 2nd anniversary of every Hurricane Katrina hurricane party, I can say with 100% certainty that David Duke, if he were Governor, would have assured that all those people who failed to evacuate before the hurricane would have been successfully evacuated long before Katrina showed up on the radar.

I never offer political commentary, so I won't bring about the idea that David Duke would have been a better Governor than Kathleen Blanco. It's just not my style.

Monday, August 27, 2007

The True Tragedy of Comedy (a dialogue)

Hey Adam.
Hey Beast.
Great show last night. You're really on top of your game.
Gee, thanks.
Why so glum?
It's weird about standup. If I feel good, and then I have a good show, I feel awful afterward.
Weird.
And if I feel bad, and then I have a good show, I feel really good during the show, but I feel even worse afterward.
Gee whiz. You're so dark and mysterious, Adam Wilson.
But get this--if I feel good, and I have a really crappy show, somehow I feel better afterwards.
Hmm. Interesting.
And if I feel bad, and I have a really bad show, somehow I feel euphoric when it's all over.
Do you know how to use Excel?
Yeah. Why?
Because I'm going to need you to make a spreadsheet of everything you just said because I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Cardboard Crippler


Projected to be mmvii's most popular Halloween costume.
I was on the subway yesterday, and next to me was a guy who had a life-size cardboard cut-out of Chris Benoit. I sent a mass text message to almost everybody I knew:
"There's a guy on the subway with a life size cut out of chris benoit . If i see a couple of bibles i'm jumping off the train"

I got a lot of responses, and they collectively made me laugh:

"Yeah, right."

Angry Rain, Houston, Texas

"That's really weird"

Mole Shrine, Shreveport, Louisiana

"He was a great dad. Hey, I'm going to be in town next weekend."

Proletarian Melodies, Algiers, Louisiana

"Ahahaha"

Hemlock 'n' Client, New York, New York

"weird. dont make eye contact. roid rage"

Major Slash Haul, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

"Canadian crippler"

Brim Nests, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

"ha ha thats awesome"

The Au-fait Key, Boston, Massachusetts

"Hahaha"

Slinky as Tarzan, Brooklyn, New York

"Oh man..just kill the guy. He prob wants to reunite with benoit anyway and, you'll be doing him a favor, and therefore your good deed for the day."

Clunks So Rapidly, New York

"Id contact an mta official. Be a good citizen."

Saintly Nest, Brooklyn, New York

"Whose that"

Drat Cravenly Mill, New York, New York

"Dnt blame u!"

Rat Race Groins, Fox Chapel, Pennsylvania

"Why bibles"

Jeer Nimbly Ant, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

"Yeah"

Scantier Ran, Brooklyn

"Who is this idont have a name 4 this num?"

Few Harsh Fans, Baton Rouge

"Mark? For gods sakes be careful"

Kind Cork Dot, Baton Rouge

And my favorite one of them all...

"Get him in the crippler crossface. For God's sake it's your only chance."

Snack the Pleb, Austin, Texas

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Squirrel Nut Zippers with Firecracker Jazz Band

I finally got to see SNZ--thanks to the Beast for going with me. I'll review the show tomorrow or something; I'm really sleepy and wo' out. Here's some pics from the show.

Click here for the gallery with full-size images and humorous captions.

Friday, August 24, 2007

They're Back in x^2

I just got back from Times Square, and the whores are back. I can't believe how many whores were there. Whores the size of your fist. At least three of them propositioned me. Welcome back, Times Square.

A full transcript of a conversation I had with a whore is to come soon.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Ron Mexico


I'm not new to the bandwagon. I always thought Ron Mexico was a pussy.
I just heard today that Michael Vick's dogs likely will be euthanized. The report was issued by the Virginia State Department of Irony.

But seriously, isn't this the dogs' fault? Somebody ought to tell these dogs to make love, not war.



Ok, bad idea.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Please Don't Spoil My Day. I'm Miles Away. And After All...


Most gays wish they were Donna.
A doctor told me once that when you don't get much sleep for a week, it doesn't help for you to "catch up" by sleeping for about 16 hours. That doctor was an idiot. I just slept for 16 hours, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I've been to Tiger Stadium.

These two things I know are true:
  1. When a woman speaks of your hair loss, tells you that it isn't a bad thing, and uses the words "Bruce" and "Willis" in the observation, she wishes to make love to you.
  2. When a man tells you that you look like Topher Grace, he wishes to make love to you.
I'm off to Long Island City to do a little standup show followed by a karaoke night, all in the same place. It's about time somebody figured this out.

Velvet Colonel Adam Wilson


Still in the wrapper, Baton Rouge, 6/2/06
The velvet Elvis has now entered Brooklyn for the first time. I can't tell you how nervous I get taking that damn thing on the subway. It's like, it's one thing to have my body groped on the subway, but it is absolute torture for my Elvis to be groped. See, I take care of my Elvis the right way; it hasn't appeared in one crappy movie, and I'll allow it to go to England.

Outlandos d'Amour

The greatest reunion tour of 2007 comes to New York this Friday, and I get to see it with my own eyes. I can just imagine them opening with "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic," then leading into "Wrapped Around Your Finger" and "Roxanne." I'm sure they'll bring us all to tears with a long-overdue performance of "Every Breath You Take." That's right--Friday, I'll be seeing the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

I'm taking advantage of my short time as a Brooklynite. For example, tomorrow I will walk a mile and a half west to 316 Chauncey Street, a residence portrayed here:



I'm stoked. I bet that house looks like a dump.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Et Tu, HBK? (a dialogue)

The dialogue below assumes that the reader has seen the following video.



Hey, Hammer. Guess what?
What?
Marty Jannetty, formerly of the Rockers, MySpaced me today!
Haha, you should play him some sweet chin music
Dude. Low blow.
What? Too soon? It was December 2, 1991. Let it go, Wilson.
I'm just saying that Marty probably gets bad flashbacks when he goes to get a haircut.
Sum'bitch can't even read Julius Caesar without peeing hisself.