Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Greatest NFL Team Logo

I was just thinking about how some NFL team logos make me really mad because of how stupid they are, and, contrarywise, I was thinking about how artistically brilliant some other logos are. Here's what we have in the NFL today:

With the exception of Cincinnati and Cleveland (the two at the top right, ladies), those logos are what you see on the teams' helmets. So let's start eliminating.

The greatest logo in the NFL cannot:
  • have words
  • have football equipment depicted
  • be racist
  • be just a vamped-up, '90's version of a logo you had for decades before
  • have anything to do with the Baltimore Ravens, who used to be the Cleveland Browns. For the Cleveland Browns to have moved to Baltimore is more catastrophic than if the White House were to move to Ottawa.
  • be a picture of a dolphin wearing a helmet, attempting to jump through a flaming hoop, and missing terribly.
Eliminated:

But Adam, the Steelers logo has an entire word in it.

Yes, Virginia. But the cultural significance of the Steelers logo is immense; in fact, it is the U.S. Steel logo with "ers" added to it. The Steelers logo stays...for now.

Here's what we have left:

Well, we have to eliminate plenty more. Ok, let's do this: if your logo in no way indicates what your nickname is, your logo has to be eliminated now.

Eliminated:

And if your logo looks like a comic book character, it's gotta go.

Eliminated:

And if your logo desecrates your state's flag, bye bye.

Eliminated:

Ok, we're left with a magical seven:

Facts: there are no Lions in Detroit, the steel industry in Western Pennsylvania isn't as important as it used to be, looking thrice at an arrowhead with an interlocking K & C bores me to tears, and the addition of powder blue into the Chargers logo in the attempt to make it seem semi-retro is not awesome.

Eliminated:


"The Baltimore Colts" was a perfect name because the Preakness was and is held in Baltimore. Moving to Indianapolis made the "Colts" moniker less appropriate.

Eliminated:


Deep down, I think we knew it would come down to this:

Both logos are unmistakable. Both logos are simple. Both logo sare culturally significant. Both logos look good on the left breast of a polo. Both teams have hot cheerleading squads. Both teams' owners are dicks. These logos are virtually equal in excellence.

But there's one thing we forgot from the beginning: fuck the Cowboys.

The winner, by virtue of not being the logo of the Dallas Cowboys: