Saturday, June 30, 2007

A's/Yanks, Rasslin' Underwater Names

Assaulted the Yankees for seven innings Saturday.
A year ago right now I was raising hell on my last night as a resident of Louisiana. Today a friend called me at about 7:30am (about three hours after I'd gone to bed) and asked if I wanted to go see to a baseball game today. I went. The teams competing were the Athletic Club of Oakland and the New York Yankees.

Metairie native Chad Gaudin took the mound and went Chris Benoit on the Yankees, only allowing one hit. I hate it when the Yankees lose because Yankees fans are old and bitchy.

Really, the game was kind of boring because no Yankees did well, and because it's baseball, which isn't a fun sport by any sane, rational stretch of the sane, rational imagination. So I began thinking of more underwater rassler names and texting Mike:
  1. Chris Benwater
  2. Chris "Sea of" Jericho
  3. Triple H2O
  4. Brutus the Barbary Coast Beefcake
  5. Gorgeous Fjord
  6. Ken Clamrock
  7. Hillbilly Swim
  8. John Seana
  9. Gorilla Monsoon

I'm at yankee stadium

This is my view.

Friday, June 29, 2007

I Remember Every Little Thing As If It Happened Only Yesterday

What was the most intimate moment in your life? Being nursed by your mother? The handshake you got from your father the first time you were seriously injured at a sporting event? The first time you made love? Or was it the time you sang "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" at karaoke with a girl you just met?

Cara Chute and me, June 28, 2007, at an unknown Upper East Side bar.
First off, "Paradise" (transcribed "Paradise by the Dashboard Light: I Parasise; II Let Me Sleep on It; III Praying for the End of Time" in the original liner notes of Bat out of Hell) is the hottest duet of all time. That's right, even hotter than "Under Pressure." To be so bold as to select that song at a karaoke event with a person whom you have just met is to say that life is short, and the stakes are high. It's the kind of thing that makes karaoke mean something.

The girl and I entered the stage, and she, like me, was off-book (I even nailed the baseball play-by-play). We sang it so well you'd'a thought I was obese and she was actually horny.

The Beast texted me this morning: "I seriously had to change undergarments after your performance." I'll assume she's talking about "Paradise" and not the sex.

It was long ago, and it was far away, and it was so much better than it is today....

Big Baby a Celtic

The greatest Celtics player of all time.

I can't help but start to think that maybe I'll never play in the NBA. My freshman year in college, I went to all the LSU games, and there was a fat 11-year old kid who hung out with the Temple family, and that kid just got drafted by Seattle and traded to Boston. Congratulations to Glen Davis for making me ashamed of having ever been born. Dick.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Come to the show tonight, Dange-keteers! Check out for info! My make up looks GREAT!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Hot Rod

Mic Michaeli, John Levén, Joey Tempest, John Norum and Ian Haugland. Gods.

I got to see an advance screening of Hot Rod with the Beast yesterday. The movie was pretty funny, but the Twix I snuck into the place was even better. I hate Andy Samberg, but when put in front of a soundtrack by Europe, anything is possible. Props to Bill Hader for almost pulling off the impossible: speaking with a flawless Southern accent without actually being from the South.

She was a secret celebrity crush of mine. A little moreso than Florence Henderson.
Holy crap I'm watching The Late Show right now and Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann are on the show tonight. They have to follow Claire Daines for some diarrheal reason, but it'll be worth the wait.

I hate that Chris Benoit died because because of that I found out that "Sensational Sherri" Martel died. She was from New Orleans.

I can't wait to not get an iPhone this weekend.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

There's Battlescars on All My Guitars III

славной вдохновителями музыку ozma
Ozma wrote on my MySpace wall Sunday to inform me that they had a show Monday at the Knitting Factory. So I went to the show. (I happened to stand right next to a guy who was at the first Ozma show to which I went--in Houston in 2000. If I were a stupid chick, and therefore stupid, I would say, "Oh my god this is so random!" but I didn't. Instead, I said, "Where are you from?....Lufkin? I fished there.")

I made an ass out of myself, but it was unfair how this happened. Check this out:

One of the opening acts, The Eastern Conference Champions (great name!) from Philadelphia, was playing a pretty good set, and then they did the "introduce the members of the band and ask for more audio in the monitors" part of the show:
ECC Bassist Vern ZCan we get a little more juice on the monitors, Gene? Thank you. New York City! I'd like to introduce the band right now if you don't mind. On drums, we got Greg Lyons (applause, a few Geldoffesque woo!s)! On guitar and vocals, my good friend John Ostrander (larger applause, more woo!s)! And behind this amazing handlebar moustache (points to self) Derek Smalls on bass!
(complete silence)
(ennui, awkwardness)
I don't know which is worse:
  1. Not getting a Spinal Tap joke, or
  2. Getting a Spinal Tap joke that good and not laughing at it.
Either way, I was and am not pleased. I bought the ECC EP after the show simply because of the sense of humor of their bassist. You'll never see John Paul Jones, John Entwistle, John Deacon, or John McVie tell jokes that funny.

Ozma was really good. They played just about all my favorites, and the new stuff was just as good. When I saw them in 2000, I was 20, and I was one of the oldest people in the audience. Now I'm 27. I made sure to shave before the show and wear a hat.

Юрий Гагарин славный космонавт
Top xiv Ozma songs in my iTunes:
  1. "Landing of Yuri Gagarin"
  2. "Rocks"
  3. "Domino Effect"
  4. "You Know the Story"
  5. "Battlescars"
  6. "If I Only Had a Heart"
  7. "Apple Trees"
  8. "Continental Drift"
  9. "Immigration Song"
  10. "The Ups and Downs"
  11. "Natalie Portman"
  12. "No One Needs To Know"
  13. "Lorraine"
  14. "Flight of Yuri Gagarin"

Monday, June 25, 2007

xvii Years Ago Today, Rasslin'

xvii years ago today my dad took me to the Charleston (West Virginia) Civic Center to see a taping of Wrestling Challenge. There was a loaded card that night:

  • "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase d. Rugged Ronnie Garvin.
  • The Legion of Doom made its WWF debut in a jobber match.

  • (KISS) - (really shitty music) = (Demolition, the coolest tag team ever)
    Demolition turned heel.
  • Jake "the Snake" Roberts d. Bad News Brown. This means I got to see the DDT--the greatest rasslin' move ever--in person. And I got to see Jake the Snake put a snake on an unconscious black guy.
  • The Big Boss Man d. Ted DiBiase
  • I met Tugboat.
  • The Bushwackers defeated a team of jobbers. I got to rub Bushwacker Luke's head. My hands smell like Cane's sauce to this day.
  • Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire (with Miss Elizabeth in their corner) d. "Macho King" Randy Savage and Sensational Sherri (with Brother Love in their corner).
  • WWF Champion Ultimate Warrior d. Ravishing Rick Rude.
Conspicuously absent were The Rockers, about whom I recently discovered something amusing.

Here's their action figure set:

The situation is already pretty queer since Marty and Shawn look kind of like two of my mom's sisters who are some of the most successful bar flies in the history of Caldwell Parish. But check out the bottom right corner, where it indicates Shawn Michaels' finishing move:

The Rocker Shocker? Dude. And look even more closely--you can't see what the left hand of the rendered Michaels is doing. Looks like it's "two in the wetty, one in the Jannetty" or "two in the Marty, one in the farty."

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Homosexuality, Pride, and Parades about Pride in One's Homosexuality

If you're gay, proud of being gay, and really into parades, then New York is the place for you, and today is your day. It's really great to be around thousands of men and women who look exactly like this:

About as happy as a cat in a toilet.

Happy 11th birthday to Erica Lynn Holley, my first cousin once removed (our common progenitors were Joe William Wilson and Dorothy Mae Smith, my grandparents and her great-grandparents). If she's half as happy as she looks in this picture, then call 911 because she's probably eating an entire can of frosting and drinking a case of Zima while watching a Blues Brothers marathon on TBS, contemplating taking a swim in the Mississippi while using two cinderblocks as floaties.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Clock Stopped with Two Ticks Left

I've put in so much overtime at work this week that people on the street are mistaking me for Game 5 of the 1976 NBA Finals. Seriously, I'm so tired I can't even crap. And when Adam Wilson can't crap, Adam Wilson has nary a reason to live. And when Adam Wilson has nary a reason to live, he starts to refer to himself in the third person, which is as repulsive a habit as air drums (note: the only "air" instruments ever to be played are guitar, keytar, and Jew's harp).

The Squirrel Nut Zippers are finally playing New York on August 24. Who's in?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Pistol Pete Would Have Turned 60

Jesus. The Beatles. Pete Maravich.

Those are the only three that matter. If I walk a piece of earth that was ever touched by either of these three, it really means something. I could be excavating Noah's Ark, and in it could be Elvis Presley's diary and Johnny Unitas's Super Bowl socks, and I wouldn't even open my eyes wide.

Jesus is the object of my religion and faith. The Beatles, though they did not create my favorite music, possess and project an iconic quality that is unrivaled by any other musical being. Pete Maravich is a superhero. The stories about him--like the one where he spun a basketball on his finger for an hour just to win a bet involving Dr. Pepper--aren't exaggerated. He was like a comic book character, and basketball was his power.

Peter Press Maravich was born 60 years ago today in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania.

Happy Birthday, Pistol.

TCTB on the Solstice

Today was the longest day of the year. It was so long that I converted to three religions and it rained twice. I got three mosquito bites. Mosquito bites--only in New York!

Owes me about $20 and his Elvis shirt
Tommy Danger was a lot of fun tonight; most everybody brought it. The ratio of dong caves to creameries was only 3:1 this week, but it'll have to do.

Sean Patton is a slime. He made me buy him beer all night because he was broke, and then at the end of the night he whips out a Hustler Club's visit worth of 1's and plays Big Buck Hunter Pro for about an hour.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

TCTB Still on My Mind

Today I had two 16 oz. Rockstar drinks in the span of about four hours. My urine was so yellow that it took John McCain as a prisoner.
The usual color of my tee tee.
The color of my tee tee after two Rockstars.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


"I'm just sayin' that's a huge salt-shaker, that's all."
My buddy Beau and I love Tiny Elvis, and our favorite line in the sketch didn't even occur in the sketch: "TCTB--Takin' care o' tiny business!" If you see me walkin' down the street laughing to myself, rest assured I've just said "TCTB" aloud, but quiet enough so that nobody but me could hear. In fact, this blog entry is being written literally minutes after I laughed myself into hysterics over it. Shame on Rob Schneider for not writing that line into that otherwise legendary sketch.

That's all for now; I'm going to bed early. For those of you who know who Little Elvis is, I'm about to TCLB.

And I have a show Thursday. I hope I can FTSU.

I'm Rich

I just found this dollar on the ground. Homeless people can't keep up with ANYTHING.

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Chero-tan Cometh


Une Expérience Spéciale

I saw Knocked Up for the second time yesterday (I didn't particularly want to see it again; it's just that everybody else wanted to see it, and I decided not to be an ass). There's the part where the Asian gynecologist says,

It can't be wrong to pray that this man gets a fatal blood clot.

"If you want a special experience, go to a fucking Jimmy Buffet concert." The first time I saw Knocked Up, the audience laughed hysterically at that line, as well they should have, but yesterday, I was the only one who laughed at it, and it was a rather high-pitched laugh that only annoyed everybody. It seemed, also, as if some people around me were offended by my laughing at the line. So I guess that the lesson to be learned is that if you knock Jimmy Buffet at the movies, you have a 50% chance of being hated.

Speaking of which, if you're at a table having pizza with people between the ages of 18 and 30, don't knock Mr. Show, because you will have a 100% chance of being hated. Apparently it is inherently wrong to not catch wood at this show.

If he weren't dead, Sir James Paul McCartney would have turned 65 today. I'm going to Strawberry Fields to hippie it up with Stephanie. Gimme a call if you're coming.

To honor the late Sir Paul, here are my top xiv most played Paul songs in my iTunes:

  1. Best Album: Run Devil Run

    "With a Little Help From My Friends"
  2. "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"
  3. "Getting Better"
  4. "Fixing a Hole"
  5. "All My Loving"
  6. "Eleanor Rigby"
  7. "You Never Give Me Your Money"
  8. "Fool on the Hill"
  9. "Carry That Weight"
  10. "I've Just Seen a Face"
  11. "For No One"
  12. "I'm Looking Through You"
  13. "I Want To Hold Your Hand"
  14. "We Can Work It Out"
Well done, Sir Paul. But screw you for coming back to life and being on Al and Tipper's side in those censorship hearings in the '80's. You're a dick.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Я - Зарегистрированный Коммунист

Politics (or rather, hearing anyone other than me talk about anything political ever ["freedom of speech" doesn't mean "freedom to have me listen to you"]) bore(s) me, so when I registered to vote in 1999, I registered as a Communist

Мой любимый Коммунист.

, the complete opposite of the average West Monroe voter. I figured it would be funny. What disappoints me is that no one hears this and finds it the least bit humorous; everyone is, to some degree, offended (for the record, I've never been a fan of Сою́з Сове́тских Социалисти́ческих Респу́блик). Arthur Miller is writing an intentionally shitty play in his grave right now.

I just realized that I always have socks on. No matter what I do, if I'm not submerged in water, I have socks on. That's right--think of everything humans do. Think of anything humans do, like, with other humans. When I do those things, I'm wearing socks. Every time.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

You Look Like Rain

Some people here pronounce it "Jankees."

It's about to rain bastards here in Hell's Kitchen, and it's all sunshine in Highbridge (Mets @ Yankees on TV). My first thought, when I observed that, was "Wow, what a big city this is," but then I realized that there have been many times when it would be raining really hard somewhere in Baton Rouge and really sunny not too far away. I remember one time there was a flash flood on Carlotta Street, and on the very same day Governor Foster declared a state of emergency drought on Ivanhoe.

Durp! Now it's sunny in Hell's Kitchen but really cloudy at the Stadium. Am I right, ladies?

Marcy Jarreau has replaced Amber Nelson as the funniest woman alive.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Holy cow I just met a girl named BETH who isn't fat!

Am I Right, Ladies?

I just remembered that I told an old girlfriend once, "Well, I've always been a chubby chaser." What a horrible thing to say! That's dumber than saying "Wow, I should be paying you for this!" during sex.

I feel a sense of obligation that has me almost calling her to apologize. That is, if she's still alive, because I wouldn't be surprised if she slit her own throat after I said that to her. I mean, what's worse than being called fat by your dreamy boyfriend? Am I right, ladies? Hey ladies--therapy! Periods! Men are stupid! Am I right, ladies?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour II

As tonight's The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour--by the way, Tommy Danger himself was a no-show, which was not pleasing to us--was about to start, I was bombarded by text messages, all from guys, with lame excuses as to why they weren't at the show. Birthdays, family emergencies, and dinners that wouldn't end...but I didn't mind because the ratio of girls to guys in tonight's audience was undefined. I saw Rachel Dratch walk by the Kabin. She stopped, considered, and decided not to come to the show.

At the end of the show, I played "Sorority Girl" solo. This was the first time the hit song was played without a female vocalist, and it turned out better in my opinion because the song, when sung by a male, is sung from the point of view from an even more unreliable narrator.

I scoped out the chicks and picked out the one that I was gonna work on, and after talking to her for a few minutes, we discovered that we're 3rd cousins.

Yeah, I know. Hot.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Cars in Hell's Kitchen

My friend Kevin

Excuse me, sir. Is it legal for me to park my car here?


Actually, you should probably take your car elsewhere. I suggest you find a parking lot and pay money to park there. Bringing your car to Hell's Kitchen is not appreciated.

Me, Adam

Then why does Hell's Kitchen have streets?

Reunited with my baby blanket

Best blanket ever. This is a great moment in my life. Thanks, Jeremy Jones, for returning it to me.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

2007 NBA Finals Game 3: San Antonio at Cleveland

Seriously, I can't continue watching the Finals year after year without Bob Costas.

This is a picture of the man who used to run the booth:

This is a picture of the man who, though responsible for color commentary and not play-by-play, has, more or less, replaced that beautiful man pictured above:

The NBA should just fold. It has absolutely no sex appeal.

Lunch Today

I had pizza.

Lunch Today?

What should I have for lunch today--pizza or nanners?

Production Error in "Bohemian Rhapsody"

I found something wrong with "Bohemian Rhapsody." Roy Thomas Baker and Queen messed it up. In the second verse, as Freddie sings "Good-bye, ev'rybody," there's static in the left speaker.
The song is ruined.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

2007 NBA Finals Game 2: Cavaliers @ Spurs

The game hasn't even started, and I can already tell you a few things wrong:

  1. The absolute cutest.
    The Finals are carried by ABC, and Bob Costas works at NBC.
  2. The visiting team (Cleveland) is being introduced with the Undertaker's theme in the background. I guess the message meant to be sent is, "Man, we're gonna totally kill the Cavs, and then we're going to bury them in a collective grave, after which we'll hire an undertaker to make sure they don't escape and play more basketball games!" What these ad-wizards don't know is that the Undertaker theme is bad ass and gets basketball players psyched in a way not unlike the way "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath would.
  3. The home team (San Antonio) is being introduced with "Are You Ready for This?" in the background. That song gets grown men psyched about the same way that "It's Raining Men" does.
  4. The Celtics should have gotten Tim Duncan.
  5. The Spurs' public address announcer is doing a dead-on impression of Ben Stein (observation courtesy of John Arthur Bui Taylor).
Ok, the game's starting, and I have to go. Huong is lying on her side on the couch watching the game. Do all Asians watch TV sideways?

Sunday, June 3, 2007


Tomorrow I turn xxvii. I'll be that old for about a year. A lot of really cool people died when they were that old--Rupert Brooke, Robert Johnson, Pigpen from the Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones, Dave Alexander from the Stooges, and Kurt Cobain. So basically, I need to stay away from the following for a year in order to not die:
  • Heroin
  • Shotguns
  • Touring
  • World Wars
  • Courtney Love
  • Pneumonia following inflammation of the pancreas
  • Swimming pools
  • Masturbating in a bathtub in Paris
  • Vomit
Can I do it? Only time will tell, my friends.