How To Make Hate Crime Legislation Work for You

Congress is passing--or has passed, I'm not sure--the Matthew Shepard Act. I know many who oppose this legislation, and for good reasons, but let's make lemonade here. I know a fool-proof way for you to make bullshit hate-crime legislation work in your favor. Just follow these simple steps:

1. You know that dude that you hate the most? We'll call him Chad. Go find him and pick a fight with him.
2. Take the fall. Let Chad beat the crap out of you.
3. During your ass-whoopin', say stuff like "I only want to love you, Chad!" and "I thought our special night together when we had a lot of gay sex meant something, Chad!"
4. When the ambulance and police show up to make sense of the situation, tell everyone that you're really, really gay and that the only reason Chad beat you up was because of his hatred for gays (chances are that Chad is pretty homophobic anyway as a direct result of the one gay experience he was forced to have so that he would be accepted into Sigma Chi).
   
5. Celebrate Chad's 10-year prison sentence by plowing his girlfriend and sister.
   

A Zinger at the Expense of Yellowhammers Everywhere

	Hey Adam. Good to see you again.
	Good to see you too, Kimmy. I'm glad we came to this LSU alumni function. What a great way for us to keep in touch away from home in the big city.
	I agree with you, Adam. What a brilliant thing for you to have said just now.
	So who's your friend here?
	This is Paul. He's my new boyfriend. He's from Alabama. Got any dating tips? (chuckle)
	Pretend you're his sister. It spices things up in the bedroom when there's a Gump involved.
	Very funny, Adam, but Paul didn't go to Bama. He went to Auburn.
	Auburn, huh? Then you'd better pretend you're his brother.

Thanks, Bloomberg. The Island Is Sinking

People come to New York literally to watch a McDonald's exist.

Whenever a city/area shuts down streets permanently in order to make itself more "pedestrian," I'm almost always in favor because I'm not morbidly obese and irrationally averse to walking 300 extra yards to Tiger Stadium. Having more pedestrian-friendly places creates an inevitable increase in inadvertent/advertent excercise, overall better health for all of us, and, most importantly, a generally better quality of life for me.

Not so with Times Square.

I already don't like Times Square because not only is that where you find the fattest asses in New York (including an inordinate amount of them from Tennessee for some reason) looking up and saying stuff like "Oh my gawd, that is greaaaaaaat! They got a Hard Rawk Caffay here, too, Skyler!" (Now I'm not talking about "freshman fifteen" fat--those chicks are hot--I'm talking about "can't fit into the Sephia anymore" fat.) And now, they've shut down the stretch of Broadway from 48th to 40th, painted the street green for some reason, and plopped a slew of lawn chairs from Walgreens for some other equally inexplicably stupid reason. The results couldn't be more disgusting.

Imagine Burning Man, except instead of scrawny hippie dudes gangbanging ugly chicks by campfire, it's a bunch of fat people squirting suntan lotion on themselves and watching Fox News on a 2000" JumboTron while a convicted felon of indeterminate ethnic origin is forced to use two easels to draw their caricatures for $40. Ironically, by taking the automobile traffic out of Times Square, and replacing the cars with people the size of cars, there is less pedestrian space available.

In Honor of My Still Being on My Floyd Fix, Here Are My Current Top xiv Pink Floyd Songs

Close-up of me ca. mmviii

1. "Dogs"
2. "Astronomy Domine"
3. "The Narrow Way"
4. "Time"
5. "Wish You Were Here"
6. "Learning To Fly"
7. "Free Four"
8. "Poles Apart"
9. "Childhood's End"
10. "Jugband Blues"
    
11. "In the Flesh?"
    
12. "Fearless"
13. "See Emily Play"
    
14. "Breathe"

Can I Sleep in Your Bed?

I had a dream last night that I turned on the tv and saw a guy who looked just like me, had even more muscles than I have, had more hair than I have, and was a successful and respected tv actor who had just signed a multi-million dollar contract with a network contained in the dream's universe. It turned out that the guy was my identical twin, from whom I had been separated at birth because my parents couldn't afford to raise two kids.

Me	The guy in my nightmare

The Song of the Year

Of all the photos of me at the age of xxix, this is the first one that does not contain full frontal nudity.

I've done a lot of thinking. The soundtrack of my life should be compiled so that when I die, it can be played at my funeral. If I am to die of natural causes, the compilation can be played on shuffle; if I die an untimely death, it must be played straight through in a dark room with xiv candles burning. Also, I must be worshiped in a way that will anger God (I will convince God to forgive you all--don't worry).

To compile my life's soundtrack, I'm simply coming up with a "song of the year" for each year I have lived. In a hypothetical Adamian calendar beginning June 4, my birthday, and ending the following June 3, there are now xxix songs.

Now, the "song of the year" doesn't necessarily mean my favorite song from a given year. It simply is the song that defined my year the most at the time; some of the songs of the year are songs that I now hate (read below and guess which ones).

Let's go through the years leading up to this one, and then I'll present to you this year's nominees (please keep in mind that it wasn't until 1992 that my taste in music became worth a damn):

Adamian year	Song	Artist
1980-1981	"Amazing Grace"*	John Newton
1981-1982	"You Are My Sunshine"*	Jimmie Davis
1982-1983	"Total Eclipse of the Heart"	Bonnie Tyler
1983-1984	"Eat It"	"Weird Al" Yankovic
1984-1985	"We're Not Gonna Take It"	Twisted Sister
1985-1986	"Amarillo by Morning"	George Strait
1986-1987	"My Toot Toot"	Rockin' Sidney
1987-1988	"You Give Love a Bad Name"	Bon Jovi
1988-1989	"Take Me Home, Country Roads"	John Denver
1989-1990	"18 & Life"	Skid Row
1990-1991	"Blaze of Glory"	Jon Bon Jovi
1991-1992	"Bohemian Rhapsody"	Queen
1992-1993	"Brighton Rock"	Queen
1993-1994	"Time Is on My Side"	The Rolling Stones
1994-1995	"Sway"	The Rolling Stones
1995-1996	"Here Comes the Sun"	The Beatles
1996-1997	"Don't Stop Me Now"	Queen
1997-1998	"Love, Reign O'er Me"	The Who
1998-1999	"Down by the Seaside"	Led Zeppelin
1999-2000	"Powderfinger"	Neil Young
2000-2001	"Ambulance Blues"	Neil Young
2001-2002	"Rocks Off"	The Rolling Stones
2002-2003	"Offend in Every Way"	The White Stripes
2003-2004	"Mean Old Line"	Jimbo Mathus
2004-2005	"Expecting To Fly"	Buffalo Springfield
2005-2006	"Desolation Row"	Bob Dylan
2006-2007	"All or Nothing"	Small Faces
2007-2008	"Icky Thump"	The White Stripes

Yes, it's been a great life, and nowhere near as great a soundtrack. So far, disc one sucks, and disc two rules. If I live long enough for a box set, I'm sure things will improve unless I go on a 12-year Barbara Mandrell kick.

So...it's mmix now, and it is time to determine the Song of the Year for the Adamian Year 2008-2009. Here are the nominees:

"Hello Hooray" by Alice Cooper	"Butcher" by Leonard Cohen	"Let Me Roll It" by Paul McCartney & Wings	"Consoler of the Lonely" by The Raconteurs	"Salute Your Solution" by The Raconteurs

And the winner is...

"Let Me Roll It" by Paul McCartney & Wings!

Cinco de Mayo Dinner

I'd Hit It

Paul McCartney & Friends: Change Begins Within (a Benefit Concert for the David Lynch Foundation)

My pal Stephen visited New York from Austin this weekend, and we wanted to do three things:

1. See the Cubs and Yankees break in the new Yankee Stadium.
2. See the Raptors play the Knicks at Madison Square Garden.
3. See the David Lynch Foundation benefit concert at Radio City Music Hall, featuring Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Donovan, Sheryl Crow, Eddie Vedder, Moby, Ben Harper, Paul Horn, Jim James, Bettye LaVette, and Angelo Badalementi.

Who'd'a thunk that #2 would be the one we wouldn't get to see?

Here's the play-by-play review of what is arguably one of the four or five best shows I've seen this April*:

1. Angelo Badalementi - "Falling (Twin Peaks Theme)" Badalementi plays the music in most of Lynch's films, so it was nice to see him open with this piece.
   
2. Moby with Bettye LaVette and The T.M. Choir - "Natural Blues" I'm not sure how exactly Moby got a record deal. His live performance leaves quite a bit to be desired. LaVette's vocals on this song were good.
   
3. Moby with The T.M. Choir - "Stars" An unnecessary performance of an unnecessary song written by an unnessary musician. yawn.
   
4. Bettye LaVette with Moby - "Close as I'll Get to Heaven" Great performance by LaVette, and good job by Moby not getting in the way too much.
   
5. Sheryl Crow - "Riverwide" Haven't heard this song in about ten years when I bought The Globe Sessions, and I forgot how much I liked it. Crow's voice live is strikingly good.
   
6. Sheryl Crow with Ben Harper - "My Sweet Lord" Great selection. Crow introduced the song with the first of what would become many comments that George "may not be here with us physically, but he's here in spirit." Great work on the lapsteel by Harper.
   
7. Jerry Seinfeld. A surprise guest! Did a solid eight minutes. Mostly new stuff, filled in by the bit about a cab driver having the chemical symbol for boron in his last name (I hate that joke--the chemical symbol for boron is B, not Ø!).
   
8. Eddie Vedder - "Far Behind" Poignant song with Vedder alone on an acoustic. Vedder's set absolutely blew me away. I had no idea he was this good musically.
   
9. Eddie Vedder - "Rise" Vedder on a mandolin. Beautiful song.
   
10. Eddie Vedder - "Arc" Vedder loops his own vocals in this a capella piece not unlike Freddie Mercury in the middle of "The Prophet's Song." I had no idea Vedder could perform such dextrous vocal acrobatics.
    
11. Ben Harper & Relentless7 with Eddie Vedder - "Indifference" Harper is as good as advertised. That is to say that he delivers great performances of music that I don't like.
    
12. Ben Harper & Relentless7 - "Fly One Time" See above.
    
13. Ben Harper & Relentless7 with Eddie Vedder - "Under Pressure" This one got a very wealthy crowd on its feet. I seriously hope this one's included on the DVD. It was amazing. Harper took Mercury's part, and Vedder, Bowie's.
    intermission
14. Mike Love is reduced to tears in his own speech about the possibility of transcendental meditation leading to world peace. I was distracted by the fact that this sonofabitch will wear--with a designer tuxedo--a baseball cap that says "The Beach Boys" on it as if we don't know he's bald.
    
15. Donovan with Jim James - "Hurdy Gurdy Man" Great to see Donovan! Love this song!
    
16. Donovan with Jim James - "Wear Your Love Like Heaven" Another piece of healthy ear candy from Donovan, and I still have it in my head.
    
17. Donovan with Sheryl Crow and Moby - "Season of the Witch" An average-at-best song made awful by Donovan's attempt at dancing with Sheryl Crow.
    
18. Donovan with Paul Horn - "Isle of Islay" Great duet with jazz flautist Horn.
    
19. Paul Horn - "Meditation" Beautiful flute piece that mixes both eastern music with the blue notes of American jazz.
    
20. Howard Stern. Another surprise guest! Stern delivered a jab or two at himself before saying "Mike Love greeted me backstage by saying, 'Howard, you are living proof that you don't have to be a pussy to be into transcendental meditation.'" He followed with a sincere anecdote about how meeting Maharishi Mahesh Yogi saved his mother's life. It will go down as one of the great discomforts of my life: to see Howard Stern not be a dick.
    
21. Ringo Starr with Ben Harper & Relentless7 and Eddie Vedder - "It Don't Come Easy" At 9:52 Eastern Daylight Time in New York, I first laid eyes on a Beatle, the first Beatle ever born. And he was out of tune and nervous, as usual. A real treat.
    
22. Ringo Starr with Ben Harper & Relentless7 and Eddie Vedder - "Boys" Not sure why he felt the need to play the worst and gayest of all Beatle covers.
    
23. Ringo Starr with Ben Harper & Relentless7, Sheryl Crow, and Eddie Vedder - "Yellow Submarine" Would have preferred "Octopus' Garden," but this'll do. Gear!
    
    Paul McCartney I had no idea how truly good this guy is live, and at the age of lxvi.
    
24. "Drive My Car" My favorite of Paul's Beatle tunes.
    
25. "Jet" Great song played live.
    
26. "Got To Get You Into My Life" My least favorite Beatle plays my least favorite Beatles song. Damn you, James Paul McCartney.
    
27. "Let It Be" Decent.
    
28. "Lady Madonna" M'eh.
    
29. "Blackbird" Paul plays this one alone on an acoustic. It was nice.
    
30. "Here Today" This is a song Paul wrote to John shortly after John's death. Not many dry eyes in the house.
    
31. "Band on the Run" My favorite Paul solo song.
    
32. "Can't Buy Me Love" Overrated. I hate this song.
    
33. Paul McCartney with Ringo Starr - "With a Little Help From My Friends" How many times have more than one Beatle played together onstage since the rooftop? Wow!
    encore
34. Paul McCartney with Ringo Starr and all performers - "Cosmically Conscious" A song that Paul wrote in 1968 in Hrishikesh, the most enlightening and spiritual time for the Beatles, yet you'd be surprised at how shitty and typical of Paul it is.
    
35. David Lynch with Donovan and Ringo Starr - "A Poem of Unknown Origin" Ok.
    
36. Paul McCartney with Ringo Starr and all performers - "I Saw Her Standing There" There are two people who have ever lived who can harmonize this song correctly. One is John Lennon; the other is me.

Oh, and here's the Knicks/Raptors box score in case you need that.

* This is a joke. It's the best show I've ever seen.

I Almost Botched My Salvation Like a Papa Shango Sneak Attack

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xiii years ago today, I was baptised. I always remember this day because it was on the fourth anniversary of Wrestlemania VIII. I always remember that day because six days later on Saturday Night Live, Kevin Nealon delivered a story on Weekend Update, saying, "Wrestlemania VIII was held in the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis this past Sunday, and experts are still trying to figure out why."

It was a Wednesday night when I was baptised by Eugene Brown at Rocky Branch Assembly of God, located on the outskirts of Farmerville, Louisiana. To give you an idea of how small a town Rocky Branch is, it's located on the outskirts of a town called Farmerville.

It was minutes before the service was to begin, and somebody noted that I hadn't thought to bring a change of clothes. I said, "No problem--I think I'll just do it in my underwear." Horrified by the thought of so much of my surface area in plain sight (and perhaps more horrified that I would have such a stupid idea), panic ensued, and a search party was organized to find me some baptisewear. At the last minute, I was given some clothes much too big for me, and it was my turn.

After Brother Brown asked me the standard questions about my plans to serve Jesus, he asked me if I had any words for the congregation. I said, "The water here is freezing, and I can't think of a better night to get baptised than tonight...the fourth anniversary of Wrestlemania VIII."

How To Tell If You Are an Idiot With Your Bracket Picks

Follow these simple steps:

1. Fill out a make-believe bracket with the high seed winning each game.
2. Fill out your own picks in another, non-make-believe bracket. This is the one on which you're betting money.
3. Watch the games.
4. Tally the scores of both brackets.
5. If your real bracket scores lower than your make-believe bracket, you're an idiot.

Ok, now let's see if I'm an idiot.

Make-believe bracket: 36 correct (50 points in the weighted round system).
Non-make-believe bracket: 37 correct (51 points in the weighted round system).

Way to be dumber than me, idiots (except for Bonnie McNemar Budyach, Gustavo "Goose" Douaihi, and Jeremy White, all of whom scored higher than me).

Midnight Snack

1. Easy Mac.
2. Some extra sharp Cheddar.
3. Some Swiss.
4. 6 jalapeño slices.
5. 1 teaspoon Louisiana hot sauce.
6. 1 teaspoon Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue sauce.
7. A dash of Bac-O's.
8. A dash of Tony Chachere's Original Cajun Seasoning.
9. 1 roll industrial toilet paper for the near-instant diarrhea you'll have.
___
xiv

Lunch Today

Easy-Mac.
One slice of Swiss cheese.
One slice of extra sharp cheddar cheese.
8 drops of Louisiana hot sauce.
14 shakes of Tony Chachere's Original Cajun Seasoning.
4 jalapeño slices.

___
xiv

So I get on the subway this morning, and it's literally duct-taped together. I'm not sure how alarmed I should be--after all, I've always viewed a bad economy as a "Big Bad Wolf": if you build a house out of bricks, you'll be fine in the end. But I'm not sure how a Three Little Pig would do in a house made of duct tape. I guess we'll find out. I smell another crack epidemic. I'm gonna move to 125th Street and set up shop really soon.
___
xiv