I Bet on the Chorizo. Damn.

I mean everything I say in this video, and I'm not taking it back.  Check that kid's papers.

IMG_2274.MOV Watch on Posterous

 

Final Standings:

1. Guido
2. Frankie Furter
3. Brett Wurst
4. Stosh
5. Cinco, the laziest bastard on the planet who cost me a free beer and needs to go back home and quit taking jobs from hard-working Americans.

Me Ripping Chicago a New One (No Poncho Needed)

Live from the Wrigley Field left bleachers:  Something of Which I'll Always Be Proud

IMG_2055.MOV Watch on Posterous

Adam Wilson Song of the Year no. xxxi

I recorded this yesterday.

This year is special because you get a vote.  Help me pick the Adam Wilson Song of the Year:

• "Fare Thee Well, Miss Carousel" - Townes Van Zandt
• "I Used To Be a King" - Graham Nash
• "You Nearly Did Me In" - Ian Hunter
• "So Fine" - Electric Light Orchestra
• "Peace Like a River" - Paul Simon
  

  Movie_on_2011-06-03_at_19.57.mov Watch on Posterous
• "Still the Same" - Bob Seger

Ozzie Guillen Got Ejected, and I Didn't Even Notice

IMG_2011.MOV Watch on Posterous

New York - 3 6 0

Chicago - 1 7 0

_____________

Wilson - 1 0 0

Fries - 0 0 0

fu·til·i·ty: noun \fyü-ˈti-lə-tē\ - A 30-year-old American Helping a 9-year-old French Kid With His Homework

IMG_1509.MOV Watch on Posterous

Three-Sentence Review of Your Highness

The fact that James Franco and Natalie Portman said "yes" to this script can mean only that Danny McBride & Co. have some amazing weed. Because I hate reading books and find such an activity to be an offensive waste of time (I love seeing libraries closing), I enjoyed the film more than I enjoyed Jane Eyre. Though I can't for the life of me comprehend how in the name of hell a movie this bad can get financing, I consider its production and release to be undeniable proof that the movie industry is willing to do what it takes to meet my most basic needs. *1/2

Three-Sentence Review of Jane Eyre

The film began with opening credits, which is a drastic departure from the way Charlotte Brontë began her novel. I struggled to stay awake in the film's molassal middle, which ended when Mr. Rochester uttered the word "taint." There was almost as much underage lesbian sexual tension as there is in an average Rapides Parish Pentecostal church camp. **

Is This Beagle Fat? Be Honest.

p56.mov Watch on Posterous

Why I Never Gamble on March Madness

p44.mov Watch on Posterous

Three-Sentence Review of Rango

The movie won me over with the Greek chorus' gratuitous use of a sparkly blue near-Strat during the eighth montage. The word "damn" is used so many times that I never again need to see The Secret of N.I.M.H. The film gets ***1/2 because it had more gay innuendo than my WMHS junior year French class.

It's "Adam Is Wearing Women's Deodorant" Season

Secret. The clicky kind. Used/borrowed. I feel fresher than just-mowed grass.

This is what you get, Mitchùm, for half-assing it for the past six years. I used to be able to skip a day like it says on your label, but now I smell like I've been bathing in fat-guy stink by the time I get to the subway.

Secret should just go ahead and market itself as men's deodorant. It's awesome.

xxxxxiv iii: xiv Things I Like Just as Much at xxx as I Did at xiv

As you get older, things change, but not everything. The great John Wooden once said, "The true value of a man can be seen not in his ability to adapt, but in his willingness to stay true and consistent to what allows him to live." Coach Wooden died on my 30th birthday, and his words inspired me to see how they apply to my life--to take inventory, so to speak. I've changed a lot over the years, but some things--important things--make me just as happy as they did when I was xiv:

You still can't leave me open.

• Queen
  
• Citrus Cooler Gatorade. I can't find this stuff anywhere anymore. It was the fourth flavor of Gatorade, introduced circa mcmlxxxviii, and now the only place I can find it is at the Circle K at State Street and Highland Road in Baton Rouge.
• Ren & Stimpy
• my ball-handling skills
• my hair
• clearing a room with a fart, the most undeniable demonstration of pure, indefatigable masculinity
• teaching kids dirty jokes that they don't understand yet
• Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! I can beat Mike in Round 2, by the way.
  
• making up John Wooden quotes for blog posts
  
• when West Monroe beats Ouachita at football
• lists
  
• 40-minute showers
• Pee-wee's Big Adventure
• breasts
  

xxxxxiv ii: Top xiv White Stripes Songs

The barely-necessary tempo change does the trick for me.

The White Stripes broke up while I was xxx, which is sad since the Stripes are easily one of Jack White's three or four best bands (I'll go out on a limb). Here are their top xiv:

• xiv: "Why Can't You Be Nicer to Me?"
• xiii: "Blue Orchid"
• xii: "Seven Nation Army"
• xi: "Death Letter"
• x: "St. James Infirmary"
• ix: "One More Cup of Coffee"
• viii: "Apple Blossom"
• vii: "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself"
• vi: "Little Bird"
• v: "Fell in Love With a Girl"
• iv: "Little Acorns"
• iii: "Offend in Every Way"
• ii: "The Big Three Killed My Baby"
• i: "Icky Thump"

Can I Convince Him That Ruth Was a Quadroon?

	Hey GD.
	Hey, Adam. Glad we could get together and watch a sporting event together.
	Definitely. I'm psyched. GEAUX TIGERS!
	Yes sir! GEAUX TIGERS! Hey, Adam, I have a question for you.
	Go ahead, pal. Ask anything.
	You're a smart guy. Best baseball player ever. Dead, retired, or alive. What's your take?
	Babe Ruth.
	Come on. How can he be the best without playing against black players?
	Ok, fine. Hank Aaron.
	His home run total is deceptive. He benefited from a shallow power alley in Milwaukee for 12 years.
	Ok, then. Willie Mays.
	Oh, so now you're just going to go down a list of all the greatest black players just to shut me up?
	Roberto Clemente.
	You're a racist.
	Cecil Fielder.
	Forget it. Go to hell.
	Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Ty Cobb.
	Oooh, nice choice.
	But he never played against black players.
	Yeah, you're right.
	But he did beat a lot of black people up in his lifetime, so one could assume that since he could beat them at fighting, he could beat them at baseball.
	What?
	Bad things will happen to you one day.